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Relationship Health Message Board


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I am SOO sorry- trust me, I know exactly how you feel. I am still fighting back the tears over my ex 'seeing' some other girl after he told me he wanted to 'be alone' due to stress and time constraints and 'finding himself' now that hes in dental school. It was all crap. He had the time he just didnt want to give it to me. THAT is why I will not take my ex ack. I have caught him in some lies here and there and just wish that I could call him and tell him, but I know that I cant, whats the point? This is coming from a guy who was so moral that I just knew in my heart he could never lie, I trusted him so much. Well I was wrong. For ex., I asked him a month after his confusing break-up with me- do you want to date other people? And he said, flat-out- NO, I dont want to date anyone, I want to be alone. He also told his best friend only 2 weeks after he broke up with me that he was ready to close the chapter of 'me and him' and move on, yet a week later he told me he wasnt ready yet and dragged me hanging on a string waiting for answers out for a month; he kept saying 'I'll keep you posted".

The f-in *******. THIS is why I will not take him back. I dont know your story of the break-up exactly, but my ex made it clear he would propose too and our whole relationship was the most intense, loving, respectful thing that I had ever been a part of, so it makes it completely shocking. I know what you mean about not seeing it coming. Mine started being wierd for only a month when his tests set in hard-core (really ignoring me, never wanting to see me, when he did he was rude and wierd), out of a 1 year and 8 months...he even said he didnt put much thought into it when he broke up with me. My god I could kill him re-hashing this to you!

My point is, I dont know how much of an a-hole yours was, but if he was nice about it, it makes it even harder, I know. I made excuses for mine in the beginning, and cried straight through for 2 weeks. Then it became once or twice a week for a month until this Tuesday when THIS news came aout. I called my mom 5 times a day to cry in the beginning yet I still went to work and school (as you are doing, too- so thats a good start!)
It got better after I asked him flat-out if he was coming back and he said "I dont think so". I cut him off after that. As hard as it is for you, WHEN YOU ARE READY, you need to cut off all contact with him. Well, by all means, ask questions and so forth now if you want for a little so you can get the full range of understanding as to what happened (had I not done that, I would never have known how much of a jerk my ex really was since his words were all lies).

What is hard is that my ex WAS one of those special people that is really sweet and caring and respectful and moral- still a virgin (he's Muslim), didnt drink, really understanding to me and just NORMAL for god's sake. He was seriously my other half. I know that is hard to get over in the intial stages as Im sure your ex was an amazing person too. I still havent gotten over that! I am just trying to concentrate on the negatives (and theres a ton right now); however, I keep having images of him downtown being that special guy he was to me to his friends and that girl, and that is so hard. I want him to be hated and have a horrible time like I am having.

I know I am rambling, but feel free to share your feelings. Just to relate, It has been 3 days now since I found out about his feelings toward the girl in his circle of friends, and I feel right back to where i was and I cant concentrate in class (you said you cant focus on the computer screen- Im the same). I know the girl, shes his friend, Ive hung out with her, so it makes it really hard for the mind to handle. I couldnt concentrate in the beginning as well, I had to miss class and work for a week and go home.
You said you'd take him back in a second...I felt that way too in the beginning. Once you get through the initial shock, you can start looking back and seeing if and how you were unhappy in the rltsp. That might help you realize that you dont want him back (concentrate on his faults and the ones that made you unhappy- then imagine dealing with them again after he's done this to you...it would be a different story, right?) Also, would you ever be able to trust him again? I know its hard when you want nothing but the person you love so much to come back into your arms and reinstate their love for you, and while it would stop your pain, I know I would resent my ex for EVER having the want to leave me...I do now! And now, for my specific situation, I could never take him back for being a polar opposite person of the person I fell in love with, hes now an immature selfish lying person.
Im ranting, I apologize, but i hope this helps...keep posting, it helps me to do that. I will respond with all the advice I can give!

Oh- how old are you and your ex? And what is your break-up story...
To both Citygirl and Murray—
My heart goes out to you ladies…I remember so well how horrible the immediate aftermath of losing someone you loved so much and with whom you planned on spending forever. It’s just awful, and I really hope that it passes soon for both of you. The best advice I can give you is not to think too much, especially when it comes to the future…thinking too far ahead is just so overwhelming and depressing when you’re going through such a horrible trauma, and so the more you can avoid it, the better off you’ll be. Try to stop yourself whenever you catch yourself thinking negatively about the future or dwelling on your exes. Yes, you need to mourn over time but that will come naturally, and there’s absolutely no reason to torment yourselves by spending anymore of your mental energy on your exes, who aren’t remotely worthy of either of you. The other thing to remember is that everything gets easier in time, though I won’t lie and say heartbreak passes quickly or completely…it’s been almost a year since my first and fortunately only experience with heartbreak, though not my only experience with love, and it’s still tough, but the pain DOES lessen in time. Try to remember that almost everyone has felt the way you’re feeling and been convinced that they would never get over it, never feel better, never love or trust again, etc., and that most people do heal and end up looking back wondering what they ever saw in the person who clearly wasn’t the right person for them, since those exes were foolish enough to break their loved ones’ hearts. Especially for young people, losing your first serious love or someone you loved more than anyone before almost always feels absolutely soul-crushing, but most people do get over it, though in cases where the relationship and the love truly was extraordinary, it’s not uncommon for the ex always to hold a little piece of your heart. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t love again or that you can’t love someone more, in a different but healthier, happier, and more sustainable manner.

Laurie’s advice was great—the more you can stay healthy by working out, sleeping regularly (even if you need sleep meds or melatonin for awhile), and eating healthily when you can force some food down, the easier and quicker your recovery will be. In my opinion, it also really helps to try and stay busy and surround yourself with caring family and friends. You will know when you need time alone to veg out, cry, reminisce, etc…but there’s no need to do anymore of this than necessary, because it will be very painful for awhile, and you might as well find healthy and fun ways to distract yourself. I started dating again pretty early on, because I love men and dating, and while it was undeniably difficult and painful for awhile, I also think it expedited my healing process…but I know that rebounding and/or casual dating isn’t the best choice for everyone soon after a major heartbreak. I also made a deliberate attempt not to think about my ex whenever I could avoid it by somehow distracting myself (snapping an elastic band on my wrist helped too), and CG is totally right that it’s absolutely essential to cut off all contact with your exes for the foreseeable future—to do otherwise is unnecessary torture and ensures that your healing process will be prolonged and made much more difficult and painful.

CG, I know we are the same age, and I think that it might help you to be happy, as I eventually came to be, that I didn’t end up settling down with a guy I met in college…I think that’s way too young for most people to form a lasting, fulfilling partnership, because neither person is independent yet from their parents or has any experience living life on their own terms. It’s so beneficial and provides a great deal of wisdom to hold off and have more relationships before picking one guy to be the one. Also, I think your Mr. Right won’t be so hardcore about religion, abstaining from sex, school, and instead will be able to make you a central priority in his life. You deserve nothing less than a strong, confident man who knows what he wants and is everything you ever wanted, and I just don’t think your ex was good enough for you in terms of being caring, devoted, and unselfish. Some people just aren’t like this by nature, but I think the right person will make much more of an effort and will make you feel happier and more cherished than ever before. Also, people who make a big deal about how moral they are very rarely end up to actually be good people in terms of being kind, honest, and open-minded. There is absolutely nothing about being a virgin, being religious, and not drinking that makes people who do these things any “better” than those who don’t…and people who think in terms of being “moral” compared to others tend to be self-absorbed hypocrites. The most loving and kindest people are not necessarily those who are the most “moral” as we traditionally think of it—this is an important lesson that many people take far too long to learn and far too often get hurt because they don’t realize it in time. I can already tell that both of you ladies are just too good for the men you were seeing, and I have little doubt that you will see in retrospect that they were the ones who messed up by letting you go. Please don’t think either of you did anything wrong! You loved those guys as best you knew how, loyally and consistently, and they were the ones who screwed up, NOT you! It won’t help anything to obsess over what you did wrong because what went wrong was them—they just weren’t the right partners for you and ultimately, they needed to clear out of your lives to make way for the men who will be the right ones for you to be with permanently. Anyway, please remember not to think too far ahead, and definitely don’t worry about being stuck on these guys forever, as that is in actuality quite rare…most people do just fine given enough time to heal and get on with their lives, and I know you will both make it through this and end up happier, stronger, and wiser than ever. Youth is on our side too—GypsyArcher is right (all her advice is great, actually) that 22 or the like is way too young to settle down permanently—we still have far too many adventures in love and dating yet to savor! For now though, just get through one day at a time, as I know you can do, and remember that you have more power over your thoughts and mood than you often realize…have a great night, everyone!
[QUOTE=citygirl23]
Nina-
Thanks for your compliments. When you said that you admire me for not contacting him and showing him my pain...well, I am now doing that, but in the first month/month and a half it wasn't that way. I contacted him here and there and usually asked him a lot of questions and showed my pain and was very honest with how I felt. Then, when I found out about the girl and the whole entire situation changed (after he outright said he wanted to be alone and would have been with me had he had 'the time'), I showed him my pain all over again. He deserved to see how I felt due to him!
So, while I technically cut him out at the end of Dec., my new suspicions of his true intent arose, and as of the first post in this whole thread, I planned to not speak to him ever again. So yes, as of now, that is the case. Just wanted to let you know that I wasn't completely free of contacting him in the beginning...but I cant blame myself...he lied and was confusing as he** and I never saw it coming so I was hurt and confused and physically ill.
I am so sorry to hear about your relationship problems. I am not quite sure what is happening when you say you see the red flags and know it is coming...if that is the case, maybe you should cut it off completely now and just start the process of grieving..? I dont know if I would have the strength to do it myself, but if you know its ahead of you, maybe it would be better to just accept it now? Please feel free to talk about that whenever, we all know that myself as well as many others here have gone through a traumatic break-up very recently.
[/QUOTE]

Thank you City Girl for showing interest. He sometimes abuses drink but that's fine, I say to myself everyone needs to take it off their chest! He is a bit unstable materially and I accepted that he is trying hard going to work 40 hours a week so I turned a blind eye to that too.... Recently he left me in a restaurant on my own (New Year's Day) and raced to ring his ex, was extremely gentle to her, etc.... The problem is that my bf is passive, and wouldn't stand up for us....On Valentine's day, his ex and his son are coming to visit after 5 years of no proper contact, and mainly he wants HER to be happy and is complying with her demands to see his son, he says! Her condition is that he sees his son only when she 's present and without me being there, so they arranged to meet on his dad's birthday! Of course I am out of it, but never mind!

I still think that you are strong by the way, you are strong enough to have taken the decision at some point, and to have been able to be honest before. Be strong and remember that he lost out, the hype, and excitment of being his new girl will soon fade away, and he will know that he is the LOSER.





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