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[QUOTE=citygirl23]I just have to concentrate on the negatives! That always seems to help...and there are a lot. It was always about him, even when he was sweet and caring and loving, so it made it really hard to realize.
I am worried about not finding someone who is so attractive like he was AND someone who clicks with me right away on so many levels like he did. We were attached at the hip, never thought it would change. I know I cant think about it now, and everyone says here that I will find someone better...I dont know, aren't there lots of people who don't?[/QUOTE]

Hi CG!

Iím sorry that I havenít been around over the last few days to provide support, but I really hope youíve been holding up as well as could be expected. I think you are incredibly strong, special, and brave, and I have absolutely no doubt that you will come out of this happier and tougher than ever. Itís important to remember that while many people donít find love that lasts a lifetime or only find love with one person, this isnít that common, and it certainly doesnít happen to really amazing, confident, and well-adjusted people who have as much to offer a partner as you do. People like you will always attract men, and Iím sure that once you have time to healóand please donít push yourself to get over this in any specific amount of time, as it is a long and painful process that is different for everyoneóthat there will be no shortage of interested potential partners for you to choose from. Iíd suggest giving online dating a try when you feel up to datingÖit definitely did wonders for my ego after my heartbreaking split last year to get messages from hundreds if not thousands of guys since then, almost all of which were filled with compliments and made me feel really desirable and appealing again. I love men and dating, and I started soon after my split, but donít feel badly or like thereís something wrong with you if you arenít ready or interested in dating for some time to come. However, I think you are completely unjustified in worrying that you wonít find someone better than your ex, and it will probably happen sooner than you think. Iím sure there are more guys out there than you realize who are every bit as attractive, sweet, and caring as your ex without being nearly as selfish, self-absorbed, immature, and inconsiderate as he was on way too many occasions. Itís impossible not to feel like you might be alone forever and not find someone as great as your ex again following a breakup, but in reality, your ex wasnít all that great, or he wouldnít have been stupid enough to leave you. The fact that he was able to turn his back on you just proves that he isnít the right partner for you, because the right man would never ever want to live without you in the center of his life. Somewhere out there is a man who will love you as much as you love him and treat you as well as you treat him, and given enough time to heal, I guarantee that you will someday look back filled with relief that your ex cleared out of the picture in time for you to meet someone who made you realize how much better you could do (not to mention how much better you deserve)!

As far as moving on, I think Susie hit the nail on the head, and my own experience supports it. Before the breakup Iíve discussed, I had been the one to end every single one of my numerous past relationships, and in each one, I was able to move on quite quickly and without much difficulty because I was already emotionally detached from each relationship before I actually ended it. In a lot of cases, I even overlapped boyfriends, which Iím not proud about in retrospect, but I do think itís important to point out that dumping someone and then moving onto someone else ASAP isnít a behavior thatís confined to men. I think itís almost universally true that people who initiate a breakup have given it serious thought and come to terms with the idea of going forward without their significant others before they actually break the news. Thatís one of the reasons why I think itís such a horrible idea for the people who are broken up with to hold out hope that their partners will change their minds if they wait around patiently, because their partners have likely given the breakup all the thought they plan on giving it before announcing their decision. Everyone gets over relationships and moves on at a different rate, which also varies depending on the particulars of the relationship in question, but in general, those who decide to leave get on with their lives and date again much sooner because they have had a lot more time to adjust to the breakup and get used to the idea of being single again compared to their exes, who often didnít see it coming or were in denial about the impending split.

But CG, in your case, the fact that your ex said all this stuff about still loving you and not wanting anyone else then turned around and acted exactly the opposite just proves that he isnít good enough for you and that he definitely isnít the right guy for you. As far as trusting again goes, itís so worth it to open your heart again, please believe me, as my ex did just what you describe in post #144, but I have had a relationship since and have no doubt that Iíll find someone else to love who will make me happier and be a better match for me than my ex ever was, as much as I loved him, because we were in retrospect probably too young to know ourselves well enough to pick a lifelong partner. I think all of you ladies in your early twenties need to keep the faith and get back out there and enjoy dating again when you feel up to itÖremember that itís way too early for most people to settle down. Itís important to grow into yourself as an independent adult and have a lot of dating and life experience before you are really ready to pick the right partner and settle down for good, and for most people, itís a mistake to do this before your thirties. Also, keep in mind that you can never know for sure how a relationship will turn out, but love is so wonderful that it is well worth the riskÖalso, most relationships arenít meant to last forever, but can be wonderful during a particular time in your life. Someday soon you will find another person to love who will love you back just as fully and unselfishly, and it wonít be all about himÖplease believe that you deserve better, and that you will get it now that you know not to settle for anything less in return than everything youíre giving to a relationship. Your ex wasnít meant to be with you forever, or else he would have wanted that as much as you did and shown you a lot more consideration, devotion, and respect and a lot less selfishness and self-absorption. His behavior just doesnít make sense, so please donít drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of itóand please, please stop torturing yourself asking these questions that have no answers! It is doing no good at all to obsess about him and try to make his irrational actions seem logical. You were still quite young when you started dating your ex, and hopefully over time, experience will show you that your ex wasnít nearly as special as you thought, and that there are tons of attractive guys out there with who you have equally great chemistry and who are much, much more sweet and caring than your ex. Please donít doubt that, and donít doubt yourself, no matter whatóthis is your exís loss, not yours! When the time is right, you will meet someone who makes your ex pale in comparison and makes you thrilled that you were freed up to meet himÖjust hang in there in the meantime, as it will get easier over time, and you have a great attitude and tremendous inner strength that will get you through this before you know it!





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