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[QUOTE=Nina000]Stacy, I can see my future ahead!! My Bf is the same type of soft person who wants to please everyone (To me, this is passive and undetermined personality). Their control over him has recently started to cause me panick attacks. They are trying to create and protect a re-union between him and his ex, and despite all the suggestions that he proposed (from seeing his son without anyone being involved, to seeing him outside their house), they were nothing but deaf to anything that can be a fair solution. I feel the the pressure is getting too intense now that I have to accept that he will be seeing his ex and their son at his dad's birthday while I was not even invited. Besides that, on Thursday, I have been offered a very challenging (but well-paid) job. I am more in need of settlement than ever, with my full-time phD and now permanent decent state job.

Over the last few days, I have had frequent panick attacks out of the blue. I have been a bit excessive in drinking (having 3 bottles of wine a over three nights of the week!!!!). I couldn't even answer one of my closest my friend's calls and had loads of missing calls. I just don't have the energy to see anyone. I am full of anger towards his softness and his family that I have asked him to forget this marriage issue completely at the time being.

Sorry about this diversion from the original thread but I couldn't help feeling related to your story with our ex...I feel like I am on the edge of breaking up with him![/QUOTE]

Hi there Nina :),

I'm really sorry to hear that you are having a rough time and especially that you are struggling with anxiety--I can certainly understand why! It's incredibly tough and stressful to try and protect a relationship when you're under siege, and when the would be sabateurs are his family members, and he's not the kind of guy who can ever stand up to anyone or risk displeasing someone he cares about, it's nearly impossible to cope and maintain the status quo. You poor girl! I am really sad and worried for you, Nina, and unfortunately, I know how you feel, and I've been concerned about your partner's family for awhile now. I don't think you're at all wrong in thinking that his family is conniving and manipulating him in an effort to get him to reconcile with his ex. This is probably because they want more control over their grandchild, but nonetheless, it's extremely mean and selfish, in my opinion anyway, for a family to sabotage a relative's relationship and compromise his happiness just to get more power over his life and to advance their self-absorbed goals. I really wish I had some great advice to help alleviate this situation and make everything okay for you again, but unfortunately, I'm not sure that fighting a boyfriend's family is a battle you can ever win in the end, because they always have a connection to him that chances are, he'll never risk severing. I'm just so sorry that neither of our guys were strong and tough enough to stand up to their families and insist that they stop meddling in and trying to sabotage their relationships, but I'm worried for your sake that your BF won't be any more successful in this regard than my ex was. In the end, I think you might be better off without your ex, anyway--you are a very courageous and resourceful woman, and you probably belong with a stronger man who makes a more capable, braver partner and suits you better. Your BF might just not have what it takes to be by your side in the long run.

And Nina, congratulations on the job offer! You must really be an exceptionally skillful and talented student to have received such an offer already--I hope you are giving it some serious thought if the job appeals to you. At this point, I'd caution you against turning anything down on account of your BF, as I fear that you're stuck in a battle with his family that you didn't want, but unfortunately also one that you may not be able--or want--to win. Ultimately I just want you to be happy and to be with whoever is the best partner for you, and I truly hope that everything works out great for you and that romantically, you end up with whoever makes you most content. In my opinion, you have already put up with a ton of nonsense for your BFís sake, from his fiscal irresponsibility to his drinking too much to his psycho stalker ex to his familyís constant attempts to undermine your relationship and his consistent wimpiness when it comes to taking a stand and defending you and him as a unified pair. I donít think youíve done anything to cause that, or that heíd be any stronger if he was with any other woman, but youíve certainly been plenty patient, put up with a lot more than many people would have been willing to tolerate, and given him every chance to prove himself worthy of your love and loyalty.

Do you really still want to be involved with this relationship? It sounds like it is causing you many more negative than positive emotions lately, and I remember all too well what itís like to be besieged by anxiety when the pressure heats up with a manipulative familyís efforts to sabotage your relationship. I consider myself to be pretty strong, even-keeled, and well-adjusted, like you, but when things really got bad with my exís family and all the other obstacles we were trying to overcome, I was a nervous wreck. I can definitely identify with your feeling panicked, avoiding calls, drinking a lot, and basically just trying to cope and calm your completely frazzled nerves in any way possible. You are such an amazing woman who deserves a partner who enriches her life and brings out the best possible side of her, not someone who has such a negative influence on you, at least thatís what I think, though the ultimate decision about how to proceed is of course one that only you can make and only you know what is best for you. I just hate to see such a sweet, caring person go through such stress and turmoil, as I know firsthand how distressing, exhausting, and devastating that kind of prolonged strain that you just feel powerless to fight against (itís not as if you can openly express your rage and resentment against a guyís mom!) can be, and I wouldnít wish it on anyone.

Unfortunately, though it may be in your best interest long term, it sounds like his parentsí siege against your relationship and all the problems its caused, especially with his meddling ex involved and him not taking a stand against her sabotage efforts just like he hasnít resisted his parentsí, may be reaching a breaking point. I personally think your instinct to end this soon and thus save yourself as much additional stress as you possibly can is probably a wise one, based on my own experience, but again, only you know what is best for you. For me though, while it was very difficult and painful for me to start moving on following my split with my ex once his loser family finally got what they wanted, made both of us miserable, and got him back home under their complete, uncontested control, it was still an immense relief once I resolved once and for all that we were permanently over. The stress and uncertainty I experienced watching things dissolve was much more difficult and unpleasant for me than knowing for sure where I was headed in the future. I hope you end up happy, relaxed, and not at all upset or distressed, and however you think you can make that happen, I wish you all the best of luck and will support you 100%. Please keep us posted, as Iím very worried about you and will be hoping to hear soon that you are OK. Take care, sweetie!





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