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Thank you. I am really trying, I just dont know if I can trust anyone ever again. I put feelings and emotions into this guy I never even knew I had. And it seemed he did for me, too.
Im realizing that I dont want to be with him. I know I will never take him back, and that he wont come back anyway. Its getting past the hurt and betrayal and rejection and just...the sheer hate and devastation I feel right now. And jealousy, as sad as it to say. For knowing he is down there happy and with a new girl in whatever way they are together. I will try to remain positive but i know there are a lot of people in life that are lonely and dont deserve to be.
Part of me wishes he would come back, though, just so I could see that his feelings really didnt change overnight after all we had. And so that he could be humiliated and know what its like to be hurt. I wish so many evil things on him right now and I hate that.
Ruth, crying for weeks- I understand you. I cried for two weeks straight, then once a week up until yesterday when I found this out and now Im right back to where i was, crying every time I think about it. I feel crazy.
[QUOTE=citygirl23]Thank you. I am really trying, I just dont know if I can trust anyone ever again. I put feelings and emotions into this guy I never even knew I had. And it seemed he did for me, too.
Im realizing that I dont want to be with him. I know I will never take him back, and that he wont come back anyway. Its getting past the hurt and betrayal and rejection and just...the sheer hate and devastation I feel right now. And jealousy, as sad as it to say. For knowing he is down there happy and with a new girl in whatever way they are together. I will try to remain positive but i know there are a lot of people in life that are lonely and dont deserve to be.
Part of me wishes he would come back, though, just so I could see that his feelings really didnt change overnight after all we had. And so that he could be humiliated and know what its like to be hurt. I wish so many evil things on him right now and I hate that.
Ruth, crying for weeks- I understand you. I cried for two weeks straight, then once a week up until yesterday when I found this out and now Im right back to where i was, crying every time I think about it. I feel crazy.[/QUOTE]

No, you're not crazy, even though it may feel like it sometimes. Society isn't much help when it insists we get over break ups lickity split and if we don't then there's something wrong with us. But everything you're feeling is normal and valid. It just really hurts a lot, and will for a little while yet, but it will get better. Just keep focusing on that. This won't last forever, nothing ever does.
You guys will be ok---a little scarred and a little more cautious, but OK--I promise. I thought I would never be ok again when my husband of 12 years left our home. We have two children, and own a home together, and I had no income, so believe me it was scary!!

The other woman thing makes you absolutely crazy for a while. The obsessive thoughts, the not sleeping or eating will last for a while and are not easy, but it does get better. I lost a lot of weight and even passed out in the gas man's arms when that was the last thing to be cut off in my home. All my neighbors saw and it was very embarrassing to say the least!

I really wished I would die for a time, honestly, I did. It would have been easier thatn the pain I felt, I thought at the time. Nothing has ever hurt so bad. I was a shell of a person--broke down in front of everyone, and literally vomited everytime I thought of him with the other woman. Felt like my eyeballs were gonna fly out of my head due to dry heaving, had to go on sleeping pills because if I was anymore sleep deprived I was in fear of getting in a car accident with my kids.

About two months later, (sorry to say it was a whole two months, but it was...)I suddenly realized, "what in the heck am I doing??" I was crying for what should have been, not what was. I took a long hard look at my life and how much I had lost myself in being a wife, giving to him, our marriage and our relationship. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I had forgotten what I even liked to do.

I started making a list of things I had always wanted to do, but couldn't (or chose not to really) They were small and they were huge. I started seeing a therapist. I gutted everything that was his, or his and mine together. I tore down curtains and scrubbed walls and got a new bed. I went out and made new friends as if I was a child again. It was almost as if I was 5 and said, "Do you wanna be my friend??" But people responded and gave me their phone numbers and email addresses. I reconnected with all my old friends and we went out on the weekends when my kids were away.

I joined a gym and worked out HARD. That is a biggy!!! I started tanning for a little color and light therapy, HA HA. Before long, I was really, really happy and wouldn't have taken him back if he were the last human on the planet. I have discovered so many things about myself I never even knew before, and I know now I have a lot to offer anyone, but am still very guarded when it comes to love and think I will be for a long time. It's just one of the scars we bear.

Every day get up and get in a quiet place for just a few minutes. Self talk that you are a great person, you are worth the world and nothing less, that you are ok, right where you are, and that life is a journey. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to cry and feel it, b/c staying busy works for a time, but it only delays the pain. I believe you have to wallow and get cried out, then pull up your socks, find yourself, and find a hot rebound guy to set your head right!! HA HA.....did that too.

Now, I am going out with a young, hot, nice guy. He worships the ground I walk on--and we need to be worshiped after this kind of thing!!! My kids are happy and well adjusted, and I am working and starting my own business. I have tons of friends, an active social life, and I let NO ONE around me that isn't a positive influence to me spiritually. Life's too short not to be happy, is my new mantra. You'll get there, I promise. It just sucks for a while. Wanted to assure tho, it does go away, and you will honestly be better for it!!!!
Going ice-skating today with my best friend's 6th grade class, she's a teacher...so that will be interesting!

Your situation is identical to mine Opie, he said the same things to his friends- 'she's taking it really hard, i hope she's OK'. And when we broke up I spent the whole trying to hold him as he cried. I do feel like hes an idiot for letting me go. Thanks for reminding me Im not the idiot here, although I feel like he could easily pass me off as a psycho if he wanted to exaggerate to people and build up his ego. Oh well, I guess it doesnt matter, you're right.

Gypsy- as hard as it is to want to admit, I think you are very right. I am somewhat mature, got a lot out of my system in college, and really believed I was ready to settle down with him, and STILL think I could settle down with the right person in 2 years or so. I was his first seriuos relationship and he didnt date really at all prior to me (a girl or two or three, only lasted 2 months), and never showed interest in doing so. So that is why this is a shock. I realize he was probably so freaked out over the fact that he was feeling differently, he just should have told me that and not the crap he did. Then I would have not had the hope I had for so long that he would figure himself out and return to me. I assumed he loved me so much that he couldnt let me go. So this makes me realize that he fell out of such intense feelings really fast. Cowardly or not, its not right to say what he said, and I dont want to make excuses for him and I feel like I will if I keep thinking of it this way (as being something that was most likely bound to happen due to age). I think you are right here; however, I loved and trusted him with all of my being and never in a million years thought he would leave me. Im still dealing with that along with the new 'friend' turned 'fling'.
As far as his religious practices, I told him I would never convert and I laid down what I would and would not do if we had kids. The reason why I did adapt some of the things he did (I mean, the no sex was not my choice, I had to deal and respect that if I wanted to be with him), really just the fasting, was just to see what I might be getting myself into someday and try to adapt to it a little. I know people that dont compromise at all in their early stages, then try to get married and realize they are in shock at how different they really are re: religion and culture and so forth. A friend just canceled her whole wedding ecause they realized they really didnt agree on their relig diffs after all. I guess I was trying to avoid that and figure it out as best I could early. So I WAS true to myself in that intent, but you are right- I wasn't exactly happy doing it since I wasn't getting any huge sacrifices come back to me on his part when I needed him. It put me in a sticky place- I knew if I wasnt going to bend in a way, I couldnt be with him. I just never realized how much he wasnt willing to bend for me, and that was a problem. One of the HUGE cons I need to focus on now. Thank you for your advice.

VM- I read your email last night around 5 am after I came in from my night, and I could barely keep my eyes open but I really almost cried! ESPECIALLY the part about people who pass themselves off as moral and are really self-absorbed. As of now I somewhat believe that my ex is one of these people, however, hes a closet example (everyone still and always did think he's god's gift). I wish everyone could see how it really is...maybe they will. I am feeling the best today I have felt yet over this, and I think last night I just realized I cant do anything, I am so hurt and angry with him yet I should try to let it go. I shold try not to think about the two of them together. I dont want to know. Im starting to realize that he is young and obviously much more immature than me and I hope someday he realizes what he lost and regrets it. Otherwise, I have to keep remembering how wonderful I am and try to go from there. I still cant help thinking Im getting what I deserve because of what I did to my high-school bf. I know its not helpful to think that way, but I do- goes to show what kind of person I am. I am trying to put it out of my head.
Last night the guys were seriously lacking at the lounge I was at and it sort of made things worse for a while when I was there because i kept comparing them to him and realizing I wanted him...and then thinking how I cant have him and feeling depressed. And how this girl has him in some way now and probably is as infatuated as I was in the start of our rltsp. Everything about my guy on a visual, shallow level was beyond perfect for my taste and going out among guys in a visual, shallow way is really hard, Im not interested in any of them because they REALLY dont measure up. I hate the fact that I most likely have to lower my standards, but I guess we'll see. Im not exactly looking right now, Im not stable enough yet, so..?
This is in response to a thread from Citygirl...the thread was so long I just wanted for her to see this...I hope she reads this..


Wow! I feel your pain..My heart really has ached as I have been
reading all your posts. I feel this tight feeling in my chest that I have not felt in years.

I am 22 and married a little over a year to a wonderful gorgeous guy that I am so blessed to have. I see this more and more with each passing day that I wake up and see his chizeled features next to me and feel his leg intertwined with mine. I wasn't always this lucky. I never thought I would fall in love with anyone again. I couldn't even fathom that possibility.

Citygirl----- I know that this is the most painful thing you have ever experienced in your life and that you literally feel a physical pain, like your heart is being ripped to a thousand threads slowly...and with a whole audiance watching as you are bending over in pain.....I know it feels unbearably bad, you probably can't eat, I didn't, you probably feel a nauseating sensation when ever you think of him and her together..well my guy didn't have a her, but I still pictured thoughts of him with another girl and you know what is funny is that thinking of him having sex with another girl didn't so much really bother me, but thinking of him being more intimate, like patting the girl on the butt like he did to me all the time.....okay ..you know all the endearing things we all do when crazy in love...that is what I hated to picture.....
It took me over two years to get over my first love and we were together for 3 almost 4 years in highschool and right after.... The bad thing was that we didn't end on a bad note we ended still so much in love but broke up for other reasons...which as it turned out was for the better.Although for a year and a half of those two years that I was getting over him, we continued to have contact, even though I was at another college on the other side of the country...but holiday breaks, cell, e-mail...yeah he couldn't let me go...
I loved him with every part of me. I was his first kiss, first everything, he was the first guy that I had sex with..we had an intense, fiery, passionate, relationship, I know that if we had not ended like we did, on our own, the flame would have eventually burned out....it had to have.....
My husband is the only guy that made me forget about him....I dated a lot of guys at college, but they did nothing for me and they were some of the most beautiful guys that any girl would have died to get with....but nothing stirred inside of me with anyone of them.... I felt that he, the first, had ruined me of ever finding another love and then Lance, my hubbie, found me when I leaste expected it..and the First was history..he still trys to contact me..he has still not had a lasting relationship since us...but I have him blocked on e-mail and have a new cell..... and yes sure I think about him every now and then and it is tempting to e-mail him to see if he's ok..but I don't...because I don't want those feelings to be stirred again. I love my husband with all my heart, it wouldn't be fair. Lance know of him..and he doesn't like that another guy had my heart...You will always think of your first love....he will always have a place in your heart...and this pain you feel will fade more and more over time.

I know that you can't see past this pain.....I know you can't picture your future with anyone else....that you ache for your guy....you will for a long time...but know you are beautiful and intelligent and WILL find another love even better than this one and that he will love you and cherish you...This pain you feel is neverending will soon end. I promise...it might take months and heaven forbid it might take a year...who knows....But you deserve better..know this.
I assume you and you love were sexually intimate and I have spoken of this in other posts but briefly here I will say that when two people are intimate though sex, orgasms, hugging, body contact, etc.... many chemicals are released from the body, but one most importantly is a hormone called Oxytocin...It is meant to bond a husband to a wife and a child to it's mother... It creates a physical attachment over time and much contact.The bonding can last up to two years from the last time the couple engage in sexual intimacy..know that this is part why you are feeling such an empty feeling, like a litteral part of you is missing because in a sense a part of you is.
Also please please please.....this is so important for the happiness in your future..please take all the proper steps to heal. Ask your therepist what those are but they are so important so that someday you might be able to be open to feeling love again.......even though you don't want even think of it right now.
Remember....Time will heal.
Goodluck---Charly
Part 2:

Nonetheless, I met a great guy maybe 4-5 months after my breakup and found myself slowly sucked into another committed, pretty serious relationship for several months until I felt totally trapped and had to tell him I wasnít ready for anything that serious. Since then, Iíve been dating a lot whenever Iíve felt well enough, with some breaks here and there, but Iíve been determined to remain single for the time being. I canít complain about having been consistently lucky to meet great guys who were more interested in committed relationships than I was, in most cases, so itís not that I regret having the relationships Iíve had, but I still feel quite young at almost 24, and Iím not at all interested in ever getting married or being committed to one guy anytime soon. In a lot of respects, I have very little in common with most women, and in each of my relationships, the guy was more emotional, sensitive, and serious than I was, so while I donít think my experiences are that typical or common, I have gone through a pretty conventional heartbreak when my ex left, wanting a break, then came back, giving me hope for our future, before finally leaving again. I had to firmly resolve and promise myself at that point that no matter what, I could never get back together with him, because otherwise I would have always kept hoping that things would be different, since it wasnít any lack or change in feelings that kept us apart, but rather outside influences.

But ultimately I think it was for the bestówhile we were best friends and incredibly close and in love all through our relationship, and couldnít really stand being apart, we were only meant to help each other through a few difficult transitional years and not to stay together permanently. I think most people in their early and mid-twenties are still developing their true personalities and figuring out who they are, so they arenít ready until later in life to realize what they want in life and be mature and experienced enough to settle down with the right kind of partner. Young love is wonderful and also incredibly painful at times, but young people, at least in my opinion, in most cases lack the experience with dating and life in general to have enough perspective to choose the right kind of partner and not let their emotions override the good judgment that older and more mature adults are more likely to demonstrate when it comes to assessing compatibility. Most young couples just arenít right for each other in the long run and arenít built to last, as intense and powerful as these relationships feel during and after theyíre occurring. There is probably nothing sweeter than a first love, or more devastating than a first heartbreak, but the intensity of these emotions doesnít mean that a couple is right for each other, especially when one person voluntarily walks away and makes no effort to reconcile, and even more especially when that person gets involved soon after the split with someone else.

I have the same issues as you mentioned with making friendsÖI tend to be pretty shy and happy on my own, so itís tough for me to start and maintain friendships. I really hope other people can give you better advice on how to make friendsóare you in school? Do you have any hobbies or sports you like that you can get involved with in order to meet people with similar interests? Iím not really sure what to suggest other than that except that Iíve met some great people and reconnected with old friends on a very popular site for networking, talking with friends, and even dating, so Iíd check that out if you know what Iím talking about. Maybe starting a new thread on making friends after a painful breakup would help solicit helpful advice and suggestions on this particular issue, which unfortunately is not my strong point whatsoever. I hope that at least answers some of your questions, and please feel free to ask me anything else that crosses your mind! I really am sorry for being so blunt in my last postÖI wouldnít do so except that I know firsthand how difficult it is to heal or move on when you are still holding out hope that a breakup wonít be permanent, but eventually itís probably unavoidable if you want to start feeling better and find someone who will love you far too much to ever leave in the future. My heart goes out to you, Stacy, and to CG and Murray and anyone else who is going through such a terrible painful ordealÖI really hope you are all doing well today and feeling a little better each day. Have a good weekend everyone, and take care!
Hey everyone!
So sorry I was MIA, a friend in my program had invited me to go away for the weekend skiing! I think she was trying to 'get me out' (she has a sister who went through almost the same thing as I am going through, except its 2 years later and her sister is STILL crying over her ex. I dont want to be that way!)
Anyway, I have been trying to catch up on all the posts, and thank you all for checking in on me! It is so nice to come home to that :)
VM, your post back a little ways really gave me that pep talk I have to hear every so often when I get down. You're absolutely right. And yes, I am 23, I am young, and I most likely have lots of time ahead of me and shouldnt settle down until Im near-30 or so. However, I really thought I was ready to settle down and marry this guy. I just knew. Its hard to shake that...although, his true colors came out and Im glad that didnt happen, if this is who he really is! It hurts me to think he had been planning to be without me earlier than he ever let on, after he said he 'didn't give it much thought' when I asked him how long he was planning this break-up. I could punch him. So, I realize theres nothing I can do, and while he is off being happy and thinking hes great with this 'friend'/'girl' of his, I know its just to build up his own ego after he hurt me so much. Makes him feel like a good person again...ugh.
Nina, thanks for checking in, too. Im sorry to hear you were having a rough time. Trust me, I know how it goes with drinking too much wine...that is how the origin of this post came about for me, anyway! I don't know if you're still feeling that way, so I'll let u update before I go into a spiel to cheer you up, if it is outdated news...
Theres not much new with me other than still thinking of him and being depressed here and there, although I did have a great weekend. I kept thinking...ok, so yes, he is in the city still having a great time I'm sure (with whoever...don't want to know...), but I'm up here in VT learning how to ski!! I'm awesome!!! Haha (I did pretty well, too!) And i was having a great time with people and thinking...I can just be myself, and not worry about my boyfriend and how he is not giving me his time! Its always bittersweet, my thoughts, but those happy ones are always nice!
The other thing I noticed is my friend's relationship with her boyfriend (he planned the trip). Now, they have a rare relationship in that they were childhood friends and have been together for 8 years. This guy PAMPERS her and they take such good care of each other. He even took care of us girls (as her friends). He surprised us with glasses of wine on a tray, held towels out for us to snuggle into when we got out of the hot tub (in the 20 degree weather), carried our bags/skiis/whatever for us, and was just great. And I thought, my ex would have NEVER done this, let alone even give up his time to take a weekend away with me after dental school started! And her boyfriend is not very attractive, but it goes to show just how that stuff shouldnt matter to me...I am still hung up on my ex's good looks and how I won't find anyone that I am as attracted to as I was him (is that really shallow?). It made me realize that I deserve so much better than what I was getting from my ex (and my friend is one of the sweetest people ever, so they definitely deserve each other!)
Anyway, I am still having my moments, but Im hanging in there. I really appreciate all of the kind words, the encouragements, etc etc. I do plan to take revenge with my success! I am definitely going to be successful and I know I am worthy of someone that would never lie to me and disrespect me in the way my ex did. Im sure I will need reminders of that from time to time from you guys ;)
The psychologist is really helping, too. I recommend seeing someone for anyone going through a traumatic break-up. She gives interesting and different insight...for example, the other day I asked her- how can someone change so much so quickly as he did? And she mentioned how it might not have been HIM changing, but ME changing, in the way that I started pointing out how he was taking me for granted and I wanst going to put up with it. She said it might have been ME who changed, and he didnt want to deal with the change as it meant more effort and some sacrifice on his part. I thought that was interesting...
Well, Im here now, so I will keep posting! Thanks for all of your thoughts, again.
[QUOTE=citygirl23]A note to add:
So Ive been thinking about dating, for fun/distraction/new experiences, etc, and actually got asked out for a drink or 2 tomorrow night- I will most likely go.

[I][COLOR=Navy]You go girl! Just go out and have fun... no strings. And if a guy is starting to get serious with you, tell him the truth that you're not ready. [/COLOR] [/I]


I am sure, like everything else, it will come in time. I just feel like I will miss out on a lot in my future if I cant let myself feel totally free from my ex...its like, in some small, wierd way, I still feel as though I am still 'his', or at least loved by him and only him, even though clearly thats not true since we broke up and he moved right on so fast!
Is this irrational?[/QUOTE]



No, it's not irrational... it'll take time to get used to being by yourself, but it's a good time getting to know yourself. On the next relationship, try not to loose yourself in the relationship. Keep those good, close friends around and go out with them often. Just remember the lessons you'd learned from this relationship, keep the good memories close to your heart and remember not to let this happen to you again. Our hearts are fragile... it needs all the protection we can give it.

Good luck citygirl! You'll be okay.... {{{{HUGS}}}}

:D





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