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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Thanks for the words, everyone.
I didnt send that email, my best friend did after she was so appalled at what he did and said/has said to me this whole entire time. I think it is a great email so I wanted to share.
I will not be emailing him anymore at all, no worries there.
Still having a rough time, but thanking god that I have such amazing friends- seriously, if I did not have these people I would never ever get through this..and that is one huge blessing that has come out of this. I was so deeply in love with my ex that while with him I tended to focus a lot on him and only him and missed out on a lot of times with my friends...I regret that now and know never to do it again, and I guess this needed to happen for me to learn all of the wonderful and amazing people that Im surrounded by.
I had an epiphany while in class today- this is total Karma, and it sucks. When I was 16, my boyfriend of the EXACT same length, 1 year and 8 or so months (first guy I dated, said I loved, etc.) went to college and I was still in h.s. We were long distanec for a year (sound familiar?) and I made a whole new group of friends and guys started flirting with me and I just liked it. I remember I broke up with my boyfriend very quickly, although he had a lot of issues so he wasnt exactly treating me well. Anyway, he flipped out and I kind of kept it 'open' saying I wanted to be friends for awhile. I never said anything as hurtful as my ex said to me, but I remember just not having feelings for him anymore. Looking back I think I was just immature, I mean 16, come on. Well, 2 months later I started hooking up with a friend just for fun and he asked me and I told him the truth.
Well, here now is my ex TWO MONTHS later doing the exact same thing. Except hes 23. Maybe he has the maturity of a 16 year-old girl. It seems so, if not worse.
I know I am just eating myself up and this isn't helping, but i truly believe now that thats what this is. Sigh. At least I know never to do this to anyone, and hopefully he'll get his too. I really hope that.
I have my psychologist appt tomorrow at 11, until then I am trying to get through the night. Thanks everyone, really your posts are helping...keep em coming.
You guys will be ok---a little scarred and a little more cautious, but OK--I promise. I thought I would never be ok again when my husband of 12 years left our home. We have two children, and own a home together, and I had no income, so believe me it was scary!!

The other woman thing makes you absolutely crazy for a while. The obsessive thoughts, the not sleeping or eating will last for a while and are not easy, but it does get better. I lost a lot of weight and even passed out in the gas man's arms when that was the last thing to be cut off in my home. All my neighbors saw and it was very embarrassing to say the least!

I really wished I would die for a time, honestly, I did. It would have been easier thatn the pain I felt, I thought at the time. Nothing has ever hurt so bad. I was a shell of a person--broke down in front of everyone, and literally vomited everytime I thought of him with the other woman. Felt like my eyeballs were gonna fly out of my head due to dry heaving, had to go on sleeping pills because if I was anymore sleep deprived I was in fear of getting in a car accident with my kids.

About two months later, (sorry to say it was a whole two months, but it was...)I suddenly realized, "what in the heck am I doing??" I was crying for what should have been, not what was. I took a long hard look at my life and how much I had lost myself in being a wife, giving to him, our marriage and our relationship. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I had forgotten what I even liked to do.

I started making a list of things I had always wanted to do, but couldn't (or chose not to really) They were small and they were huge. I started seeing a therapist. I gutted everything that was his, or his and mine together. I tore down curtains and scrubbed walls and got a new bed. I went out and made new friends as if I was a child again. It was almost as if I was 5 and said, "Do you wanna be my friend??" But people responded and gave me their phone numbers and email addresses. I reconnected with all my old friends and we went out on the weekends when my kids were away.

I joined a gym and worked out HARD. That is a biggy!!! I started tanning for a little color and light therapy, HA HA. Before long, I was really, really happy and wouldn't have taken him back if he were the last human on the planet. I have discovered so many things about myself I never even knew before, and I know now I have a lot to offer anyone, but am still very guarded when it comes to love and think I will be for a long time. It's just one of the scars we bear.

Every day get up and get in a quiet place for just a few minutes. Self talk that you are a great person, you are worth the world and nothing less, that you are ok, right where you are, and that life is a journey. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to cry and feel it, b/c staying busy works for a time, but it only delays the pain. I believe you have to wallow and get cried out, then pull up your socks, find yourself, and find a hot rebound guy to set your head right!! HA HA.....did that too.

Now, I am going out with a young, hot, nice guy. He worships the ground I walk on--and we need to be worshiped after this kind of thing!!! My kids are happy and well adjusted, and I am working and starting my own business. I have tons of friends, an active social life, and I let NO ONE around me that isn't a positive influence to me spiritually. Life's too short not to be happy, is my new mantra. You'll get there, I promise. It just sucks for a while. Wanted to assure tho, it does go away, and you will honestly be better for it!!!!
To both Citygirl and Murray—
My heart goes out to you ladies…I remember so well how horrible the immediate aftermath of losing someone you loved so much and with whom you planned on spending forever. It’s just awful, and I really hope that it passes soon for both of you. The best advice I can give you is not to think too much, especially when it comes to the future…thinking too far ahead is just so overwhelming and depressing when you’re going through such a horrible trauma, and so the more you can avoid it, the better off you’ll be. Try to stop yourself whenever you catch yourself thinking negatively about the future or dwelling on your exes. Yes, you need to mourn over time but that will come naturally, and there’s absolutely no reason to torment yourselves by spending anymore of your mental energy on your exes, who aren’t remotely worthy of either of you. The other thing to remember is that everything gets easier in time, though I won’t lie and say heartbreak passes quickly or completely…it’s been almost a year since my first and fortunately only experience with heartbreak, though not my only experience with love, and it’s still tough, but the pain DOES lessen in time. Try to remember that almost everyone has felt the way you’re feeling and been convinced that they would never get over it, never feel better, never love or trust again, etc., and that most people do heal and end up looking back wondering what they ever saw in the person who clearly wasn’t the right person for them, since those exes were foolish enough to break their loved ones’ hearts. Especially for young people, losing your first serious love or someone you loved more than anyone before almost always feels absolutely soul-crushing, but most people do get over it, though in cases where the relationship and the love truly was extraordinary, it’s not uncommon for the ex always to hold a little piece of your heart. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t love again or that you can’t love someone more, in a different but healthier, happier, and more sustainable manner.

Laurie’s advice was great—the more you can stay healthy by working out, sleeping regularly (even if you need sleep meds or melatonin for awhile), and eating healthily when you can force some food down, the easier and quicker your recovery will be. In my opinion, it also really helps to try and stay busy and surround yourself with caring family and friends. You will know when you need time alone to veg out, cry, reminisce, etc…but there’s no need to do anymore of this than necessary, because it will be very painful for awhile, and you might as well find healthy and fun ways to distract yourself. I started dating again pretty early on, because I love men and dating, and while it was undeniably difficult and painful for awhile, I also think it expedited my healing process…but I know that rebounding and/or casual dating isn’t the best choice for everyone soon after a major heartbreak. I also made a deliberate attempt not to think about my ex whenever I could avoid it by somehow distracting myself (snapping an elastic band on my wrist helped too), and CG is totally right that it’s absolutely essential to cut off all contact with your exes for the foreseeable future—to do otherwise is unnecessary torture and ensures that your healing process will be prolonged and made much more difficult and painful.

CG, I know we are the same age, and I think that it might help you to be happy, as I eventually came to be, that I didn’t end up settling down with a guy I met in college…I think that’s way too young for most people to form a lasting, fulfilling partnership, because neither person is independent yet from their parents or has any experience living life on their own terms. It’s so beneficial and provides a great deal of wisdom to hold off and have more relationships before picking one guy to be the one. Also, I think your Mr. Right won’t be so hardcore about religion, abstaining from sex, school, and instead will be able to make you a central priority in his life. You deserve nothing less than a strong, confident man who knows what he wants and is everything you ever wanted, and I just don’t think your ex was good enough for you in terms of being caring, devoted, and unselfish. Some people just aren’t like this by nature, but I think the right person will make much more of an effort and will make you feel happier and more cherished than ever before. Also, people who make a big deal about how moral they are very rarely end up to actually be good people in terms of being kind, honest, and open-minded. There is absolutely nothing about being a virgin, being religious, and not drinking that makes people who do these things any “better” than those who don’t…and people who think in terms of being “moral” compared to others tend to be self-absorbed hypocrites. The most loving and kindest people are not necessarily those who are the most “moral” as we traditionally think of it—this is an important lesson that many people take far too long to learn and far too often get hurt because they don’t realize it in time. I can already tell that both of you ladies are just too good for the men you were seeing, and I have little doubt that you will see in retrospect that they were the ones who messed up by letting you go. Please don’t think either of you did anything wrong! You loved those guys as best you knew how, loyally and consistently, and they were the ones who screwed up, NOT you! It won’t help anything to obsess over what you did wrong because what went wrong was them—they just weren’t the right partners for you and ultimately, they needed to clear out of your lives to make way for the men who will be the right ones for you to be with permanently. Anyway, please remember not to think too far ahead, and definitely don’t worry about being stuck on these guys forever, as that is in actuality quite rare…most people do just fine given enough time to heal and get on with their lives, and I know you will both make it through this and end up happier, stronger, and wiser than ever. Youth is on our side too—GypsyArcher is right (all her advice is great, actually) that 22 or the like is way too young to settle down permanently—we still have far too many adventures in love and dating yet to savor! For now though, just get through one day at a time, as I know you can do, and remember that you have more power over your thoughts and mood than you often realize…have a great night, everyone!
Going ice-skating today with my best friend's 6th grade class, she's a teacher...so that will be interesting!

Your situation is identical to mine Opie, he said the same things to his friends- 'she's taking it really hard, i hope she's OK'. And when we broke up I spent the whole trying to hold him as he cried. I do feel like hes an idiot for letting me go. Thanks for reminding me Im not the idiot here, although I feel like he could easily pass me off as a psycho if he wanted to exaggerate to people and build up his ego. Oh well, I guess it doesnt matter, you're right.

Gypsy- as hard as it is to want to admit, I think you are very right. I am somewhat mature, got a lot out of my system in college, and really believed I was ready to settle down with him, and STILL think I could settle down with the right person in 2 years or so. I was his first seriuos relationship and he didnt date really at all prior to me (a girl or two or three, only lasted 2 months), and never showed interest in doing so. So that is why this is a shock. I realize he was probably so freaked out over the fact that he was feeling differently, he just should have told me that and not the crap he did. Then I would have not had the hope I had for so long that he would figure himself out and return to me. I assumed he loved me so much that he couldnt let me go. So this makes me realize that he fell out of such intense feelings really fast. Cowardly or not, its not right to say what he said, and I dont want to make excuses for him and I feel like I will if I keep thinking of it this way (as being something that was most likely bound to happen due to age). I think you are right here; however, I loved and trusted him with all of my being and never in a million years thought he would leave me. Im still dealing with that along with the new 'friend' turned 'fling'.
As far as his religious practices, I told him I would never convert and I laid down what I would and would not do if we had kids. The reason why I did adapt some of the things he did (I mean, the no sex was not my choice, I had to deal and respect that if I wanted to be with him), really just the fasting, was just to see what I might be getting myself into someday and try to adapt to it a little. I know people that dont compromise at all in their early stages, then try to get married and realize they are in shock at how different they really are re: religion and culture and so forth. A friend just canceled her whole wedding ecause they realized they really didnt agree on their relig diffs after all. I guess I was trying to avoid that and figure it out as best I could early. So I WAS true to myself in that intent, but you are right- I wasn't exactly happy doing it since I wasn't getting any huge sacrifices come back to me on his part when I needed him. It put me in a sticky place- I knew if I wasnt going to bend in a way, I couldnt be with him. I just never realized how much he wasnt willing to bend for me, and that was a problem. One of the HUGE cons I need to focus on now. Thank you for your advice.

VM- I read your email last night around 5 am after I came in from my night, and I could barely keep my eyes open but I really almost cried! ESPECIALLY the part about people who pass themselves off as moral and are really self-absorbed. As of now I somewhat believe that my ex is one of these people, however, hes a closet example (everyone still and always did think he's god's gift). I wish everyone could see how it really is...maybe they will. I am feeling the best today I have felt yet over this, and I think last night I just realized I cant do anything, I am so hurt and angry with him yet I should try to let it go. I shold try not to think about the two of them together. I dont want to know. Im starting to realize that he is young and obviously much more immature than me and I hope someday he realizes what he lost and regrets it. Otherwise, I have to keep remembering how wonderful I am and try to go from there. I still cant help thinking Im getting what I deserve because of what I did to my high-school bf. I know its not helpful to think that way, but I do- goes to show what kind of person I am. I am trying to put it out of my head.
Last night the guys were seriously lacking at the lounge I was at and it sort of made things worse for a while when I was there because i kept comparing them to him and realizing I wanted him...and then thinking how I cant have him and feeling depressed. And how this girl has him in some way now and probably is as infatuated as I was in the start of our rltsp. Everything about my guy on a visual, shallow level was beyond perfect for my taste and going out among guys in a visual, shallow way is really hard, Im not interested in any of them because they REALLY dont measure up. I hate the fact that I most likely have to lower my standards, but I guess we'll see. Im not exactly looking right now, Im not stable enough yet, so..?
Veronica Mars, thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I am trying not to think of him, like you said. Every time a painful memory sneaks into my mind, I try to throw it away, but the heartache stays.

Citygirl, I'm so happy you feel better today! I'm sorry to move in on your thread with my own sob story, it just helps so much to know that I am not alone.

I feel ok today. I talked on the phone all evening with a great friend and took some tylenol pm's and slept like a baby till about 5am. I just got back from class and I feel ok. I'm going out tonight and actually looking forward to it. This is a very good thing.

Unfortunatly, yesterday, after work and before talking with my friend I had a break down. I called him. I was crying so hard just asking him "why?" over and over. Then I told him to go to hell and I want to die. Basically, I made an *** of myself and I feel so dumb today. I know I should show him that I am strong and I don't need him. I want him to see that he is giving up a wonderful person and regret it. But instead I acted like and immature, psychotic, idiot. But the pain gets so incredibly bad at times I seem to dial his number not even knowing why. He used to be the one who made me feel better. He was the one I called when I felt sad. Now he is the reason I am sad and I don't know what to do with myself at times. I know I can call friends, but I don't want to when I am like that.
Do you guys have any tips on how to get through those awful moments? I can make it through 95% of the day without a breakdown. I'm sad and depressed, but not a basketcase. But once in a while, the emotions get so overwhelming, I want to die. I would never do anything stupid...I just feel like I want to die at times.
CG, just wanted to add how cool and rare it is to find a girl my age who doesn't have any compunction about giving herself credit where credit is due. When did women become so uniformly self-deprocating that now whenever we say something positive about ourselves, we automatically apologize and make sure to explain we aren't intending to brag. That makes me sad--what would be so bad about that? We all have a lot of great qualities and achievements, lots of things to be proud of, and from the sound of it here, a lot of women could definitely benefit from the self-esteem boost that comes from complimenting ourselves on the things we like and admire most. And when someone is going through a major trauma, I think we should take every possible opportunity to remind them of all the great things they have going for them. I guess maybe one reason I tend to connect better with men than women is because men don't have the same sort of modesty when it comes to complimenting themselves. I've found that men actually find it appealing when girls speak up about their talents and achivements...I've gotten really positive responses to some of the things I say in my online dating profile that come closest to bragging. The girl friends I had look it over mentioned several times that I might want to tone it down and sound like less of a fan of myself, but I don't think guys respond in the same way at all. They seem to find it refreshing and admirable when a woman is confident enough to be frank about her impressive qualities, and come to think of it, I think that it's appealing when guys are confident and don't feign false modesty about the things they have to brag about. Confidence is attractive, especially in the somewhat shy, nerdy guys I like to go for who have a quiet confidence underlying their reserved demeanor, which disappears after they get to know someone well. I think the guys I like might describe me the same way, though the older I get, the more outgoing I become, and once I'm in a social sitaution, I have no trouble being gregarious. In any event, the type of guy I like is sexy when he's smart and confident, but the same guy might seem a lot less attractive if he didn't have confidence in his abilities. I think guys find confidence equally sexy, and equally intrinsic to whether or not they find a particular girl appealing or not, especially because sadly, it's less common for young women to display confidence openly than it is for young men to do so.

We are taught starting pretty early that while boys compete, girls are supposed to gain skills and work hard on cooperating, getting along with everyone, and building consensus. This never suited me well--other than a few other equally assertive, confident, outspoken, and competitive female friends I have from when I was little, I never had as many female as male friends, and girls rarely liked me while nearly every guy I met liked me either as a friend or as more than a friend, or both. The more I think about this, the more I think my experiences could be very strongly impacted by guys finding confidence and a willingness to express one's talents and achievements appealing and common, women seem to find it very rude and distasteful, probably because they were urged growing up not to brag for fear of seeming full of herself. Well, I think this is selling women short--better to be honest about your abilities and risk people getting the wrong idea than to undermine yourself in the name of modesty and in the process, jeopardize one's self-esteem and risk increasing insecurities.
Ive been posting my updates on the thread "To Murray" because I know a few of us are going through break-ups, but I wanted to update here because so many others of you have given me such insightful advice.
Its been a lot etter for me this week- Ive even been able to go back to giving people advice and actually believing the things I tell people! Ive been able to push stuff out of my head (mental images) and even watched a whole movie tonight alone in my room (used to do this quite often on a tired evening) and it was fine.) This time, I could concentrate and actually enjoyed my own company :) Ive enjoyed my life lately and have actually smiled walking down the street and danced around in my room to my music...so its been good!

However, I ran errands today after class for about 3 hours, and went aalll over the place downtown and of course had to walk through his neighorhood. I kept clear of his avenue but I was around his street and within a ten-block radius. It was hard. I am always so scared I will run into or see him, or him and her, or he'll see me from afar...whichever. So Im alone, walking around for hours with my ipod just thinking about him again...running scenarios in my head, etc etc. Now I usually love spending time with myself, especially running my errands and shopping around the city and just people-watching (I love new york!). And I refuse to avoid any area and go out of my way just ecause I 'might' see him. He has ruined my life enough, I will still live my daily life the same. However, as soon as I got up in my area away from down there, these feelings diminished.

What I still cant put out of my head right now are just the mental images of them two together, and its funny because I dont even know the status of their relationship. So who knows how accurate I really am...but one general one that consistently pops into my head that is painful is them being in their group of friends, yet still acting like a couple, all in different situations (sitting together at dinner, him paying for her, dancing at a club all night together, going on a vacation with friends and sleeping together in the same room/bed). It is just hard.

I am interested in opinions on this. How can someone move on so quickly and it doesnt affect them at all? How can they easily replace their first love of 2 years who they wanted to marry, all in a month's time (with a FRIEND for that matter, that he met 4 months ago). Now, Ive seen girls do it to guys just the same, its not only guys; however, given my situation, can any guys give me a male opinion? Why didn't he mourn me, or miss me, or have a hard time jumping in with someone new? He can cry on the phone to me 3 weeks efore he all of a sudden has a new development with this friend? How is that humanly possible to do...shouldn't you have a hard time or miss the person and feel wierd? Especially after you blatantly said "I want to be alone", "No Im not dating _____(her name), why would you think that", and "I will just think of you if I try to date anyone else".

I just cant understand how he could do this and just not be phased by the memories of us, or miss me and feel wierd about this new person. It just seems so easy and carefree for him to do this. I will never know the answer because I am trying to get over him (and somewhat succeeding...Im so angry and hateful) and I know I will never talk to him again. I just don't get it, you think you know someone so well and that their love for you could never go away overnight...
*and let me just add that 5 days before he 'needed to be alone' and broke up with me, I spent the night, & he was pouring out to me how he loved me and I was being so patient with his coldness and a**hole-ishness...Im still so disgusted by all of it.
[QUOTE=steakie46]Hi VM,

How long after you broke up with your ex did you start dating again?

Also, why exactly did you two break up?

I really need to make some friends and have ppl to hang out with, but I am so bad at it. Any tips?[/QUOTE]

Hi Stacy! :)

Please don't ever hesitate to ask me anything that crosses your mind...I've shared just about everything here, and I certainly would never hold back anything that might help someone else! As I've said, prior to meeting the ex who broke my heart toward the end of college, I'd dated quite a lot of different guys and had several other relationships during which I was genuinely in love, so I'd had a pretty unusual amount of experience with guys by the time I started dating my ex, though I'd never been dumped or had my heart broken before.

We moved in together right away and from the start faced numerous outside pressures, such as our respective roommates plotting together and lying to us in an effort to manipulate us into not getting involved with each other. They tried really hard to avert this as his roommate was literally going through a prolonged mental breakdown, during which time he had to be institutionalized by the police and his parents three different times because my roommate, who wasn't at all popular with men, was so enthralled by having her first ever boyfriend, mentally ill or not, that she helped him break out of the mental hospital each time. When he finally moved out of state to be near his family, she went back on her fruitless crusade to dissuade my ex from being with me and to try and steal him away, which it turns she'd also done behind my back several times with past boyfriends.

Soon after, we moved to spend the summer with his family in NYC, which was also a difficult and stressful period for us, because I was never really comfortable there, and his psycho grandmother waged a war to try and come between us, as she liked having complete control over my ex. The rest of his family and I got along okay, but they disliked the idea of him being close with anyone near our college, because it might keep him from coming back home on vacations and after he graduated, so it seemed like our relationship was under siege from that angle just like it had been since we first met at college. Then finally we got out of there and moved into our own place, which is always stressful, and as soon as we started our senior year of college, I had my wisdom teeth removed and ever since then, I’ve suffered from horrible chronic pain that shoots up one side of my face. I’ve seen about a dozen doctors and been on and off tons of different medications since then, and the terrible pain along with the side effects and anxiety that came along with the pain and various treatment efforts would have put a huge strain on any relationship.

Through all of this, my ex was wonderfully loving, sweet and supportive—he has never been anything but kind, patient, and caring to me, and he is truly a great person. I guess the timing and cir***stances were just against us, because for the next few years, we stayed strong and united, but tended to isolate ourselves from the rest of the world because our love was so intense that we were happier alone and because we are both introverted homebodies at heart. In retrospect I think that wasn’t a healthy move, but it’s a mistake many young couples make, and we did the best we could, but his family continued to pressure and manipulate him into going home to NYC from the moment we graduated. We were both struggling with uncertainty following graduation anyway regarding jobs, graduate school, and our future plans in general, though we had vowed to stay close and united no matter what. Then one Christmas things got unbearably tense, and I basically couldn’t stand his family anymore and broke down…while we made up and held on for several more months, that was definitely the beginning of the end, and his evil grandmother came to visit and was so horrible to me that I had a car accident, after which I couldn’t stop crying, full of hatred, rage, and frustration with his family, and my ex found it difficult to comfort me without feeling like he was taking sides against his family.

They always made it so it was me against them and put my poor ex in an impossible position trying to please everyone, which he always did because he was so kind-hearted and sweet that he couldn’t stand to let anyone he loved down. After the weekend with his grandmother and my breakdown after it, he left, saying he needed a break, and while we reconciled briefly, ultimately he bowed down to the pressure his parents and other family members, who were greatly inspired to continue coming between us once they saw they’d driven us into needing a break. We really thought nothing would come between us, but ultimately he wasn’t strong enough to resist the external pressures on him, and I think that between my chronic pain and his family, we were just under way too much strain from all possible sides. It’s really sad, because we never had anything but immense love and were nothing but kind and sweet to each other throughout everything we went through, but in the end, I know we just weren’t meant to be, because otherwise we’d still be together.

And quite frankly, in some ways it’s a relief not to have to worry about his miserable family and his uncertainty and unhappiness with everything, though it’s incredibly difficult dealing with my health problems without the unconditional love and support he provided, though my family has helped immeasurably since we split. I was absolutely crushed for months after he left, though I did start dating again within a few months, even though I wasn’t ready to get seriously involved with anyone else. I realized that I loved being single and not having to answer to anyone or be tied down—it was absolutely great being able to date a ton of different guys, because I love men, lots of different men, but I’d been stuck in serious, long term relationships for much of the time since I started dating. I’m kind of like the stereotypical guy when it comes to wanting to experience as many different guys as I find attractive, both in terms of dating and in terms of sex in certain cases, and I loved being free to do whatever I wanted.
Part 2:

Nonetheless, I met a great guy maybe 4-5 months after my breakup and found myself slowly sucked into another committed, pretty serious relationship for several months until I felt totally trapped and had to tell him I wasn’t ready for anything that serious. Since then, I’ve been dating a lot whenever I’ve felt well enough, with some breaks here and there, but I’ve been determined to remain single for the time being. I can’t complain about having been consistently lucky to meet great guys who were more interested in committed relationships than I was, in most cases, so it’s not that I regret having the relationships I’ve had, but I still feel quite young at almost 24, and I’m not at all interested in ever getting married or being committed to one guy anytime soon. In a lot of respects, I have very little in common with most women, and in each of my relationships, the guy was more emotional, sensitive, and serious than I was, so while I don’t think my experiences are that typical or common, I have gone through a pretty conventional heartbreak when my ex left, wanting a break, then came back, giving me hope for our future, before finally leaving again. I had to firmly resolve and promise myself at that point that no matter what, I could never get back together with him, because otherwise I would have always kept hoping that things would be different, since it wasn’t any lack or change in feelings that kept us apart, but rather outside influences.

But ultimately I think it was for the best—while we were best friends and incredibly close and in love all through our relationship, and couldn’t really stand being apart, we were only meant to help each other through a few difficult transitional years and not to stay together permanently. I think most people in their early and mid-twenties are still developing their true personalities and figuring out who they are, so they aren’t ready until later in life to realize what they want in life and be mature and experienced enough to settle down with the right kind of partner. Young love is wonderful and also incredibly painful at times, but young people, at least in my opinion, in most cases lack the experience with dating and life in general to have enough perspective to choose the right kind of partner and not let their emotions override the good judgment that older and more mature adults are more likely to demonstrate when it comes to assessing compatibility. Most young couples just aren’t right for each other in the long run and aren’t built to last, as intense and powerful as these relationships feel during and after they’re occurring. There is probably nothing sweeter than a first love, or more devastating than a first heartbreak, but the intensity of these emotions doesn’t mean that a couple is right for each other, especially when one person voluntarily walks away and makes no effort to reconcile, and even more especially when that person gets involved soon after the split with someone else.

I have the same issues as you mentioned with making friends…I tend to be pretty shy and happy on my own, so it’s tough for me to start and maintain friendships. I really hope other people can give you better advice on how to make friends—are you in school? Do you have any hobbies or sports you like that you can get involved with in order to meet people with similar interests? I’m not really sure what to suggest other than that except that I’ve met some great people and reconnected with old friends on a very popular site for networking, talking with friends, and even dating, so I’d check that out if you know what I’m talking about. Maybe starting a new thread on making friends after a painful breakup would help solicit helpful advice and suggestions on this particular issue, which unfortunately is not my strong point whatsoever. I hope that at least answers some of your questions, and please feel free to ask me anything else that crosses your mind! I really am sorry for being so blunt in my last post…I wouldn’t do so except that I know firsthand how difficult it is to heal or move on when you are still holding out hope that a breakup won’t be permanent, but eventually it’s probably unavoidable if you want to start feeling better and find someone who will love you far too much to ever leave in the future. My heart goes out to you, Stacy, and to CG and Murray and anyone else who is going through such a terrible painful ordeal…I really hope you are all doing well today and feeling a little better each day. Have a good weekend everyone, and take care!
Hey everyone!
So sorry I was MIA, a friend in my program had invited me to go away for the weekend skiing! I think she was trying to 'get me out' (she has a sister who went through almost the same thing as I am going through, except its 2 years later and her sister is STILL crying over her ex. I dont want to be that way!)
Anyway, I have been trying to catch up on all the posts, and thank you all for checking in on me! It is so nice to come home to that :)
VM, your post back a little ways really gave me that pep talk I have to hear every so often when I get down. You're absolutely right. And yes, I am 23, I am young, and I most likely have lots of time ahead of me and shouldnt settle down until Im near-30 or so. However, I really thought I was ready to settle down and marry this guy. I just knew. Its hard to shake that...although, his true colors came out and Im glad that didnt happen, if this is who he really is! It hurts me to think he had been planning to be without me earlier than he ever let on, after he said he 'didn't give it much thought' when I asked him how long he was planning this break-up. I could punch him. So, I realize theres nothing I can do, and while he is off being happy and thinking hes great with this 'friend'/'girl' of his, I know its just to build up his own ego after he hurt me so much. Makes him feel like a good person again...ugh.
Nina, thanks for checking in, too. Im sorry to hear you were having a rough time. Trust me, I know how it goes with drinking too much wine...that is how the origin of this post came about for me, anyway! I don't know if you're still feeling that way, so I'll let u update before I go into a spiel to cheer you up, if it is outdated news...
Theres not much new with me other than still thinking of him and being depressed here and there, although I did have a great weekend. I kept thinking...ok, so yes, he is in the city still having a great time I'm sure (with whoever...don't want to know...), but I'm up here in VT learning how to ski!! I'm awesome!!! Haha (I did pretty well, too!) And i was having a great time with people and thinking...I can just be myself, and not worry about my boyfriend and how he is not giving me his time! Its always bittersweet, my thoughts, but those happy ones are always nice!
The other thing I noticed is my friend's relationship with her boyfriend (he planned the trip). Now, they have a rare relationship in that they were childhood friends and have been together for 8 years. This guy PAMPERS her and they take such good care of each other. He even took care of us girls (as her friends). He surprised us with glasses of wine on a tray, held towels out for us to snuggle into when we got out of the hot tub (in the 20 degree weather), carried our bags/skiis/whatever for us, and was just great. And I thought, my ex would have NEVER done this, let alone even give up his time to take a weekend away with me after dental school started! And her boyfriend is not very attractive, but it goes to show just how that stuff shouldnt matter to me...I am still hung up on my ex's good looks and how I won't find anyone that I am as attracted to as I was him (is that really shallow?). It made me realize that I deserve so much better than what I was getting from my ex (and my friend is one of the sweetest people ever, so they definitely deserve each other!)
Anyway, I am still having my moments, but Im hanging in there. I really appreciate all of the kind words, the encouragements, etc etc. I do plan to take revenge with my success! I am definitely going to be successful and I know I am worthy of someone that would never lie to me and disrespect me in the way my ex did. Im sure I will need reminders of that from time to time from you guys ;)
The psychologist is really helping, too. I recommend seeing someone for anyone going through a traumatic break-up. She gives interesting and different insight...for example, the other day I asked her- how can someone change so much so quickly as he did? And she mentioned how it might not have been HIM changing, but ME changing, in the way that I started pointing out how he was taking me for granted and I wanst going to put up with it. She said it might have been ME who changed, and he didnt want to deal with the change as it meant more effort and some sacrifice on his part. I thought that was interesting...
Well, Im here now, so I will keep posting! Thanks for all of your thoughts, again.
Hi girls,

I was just wondering if any of you (Citygirl, raaar, murray, etc.) ever sent your ex's an email telling them how much of jerks they were and how they were cowards and selfish,lying, and dishonest. i am just wondering b/c I am this close to sending my ex one. I just found pictures of them on her ******* and that really ticked me off b/c he made her something and he never made me anything. plus she's like already friends with his friends and I didn't meet them for a while after we started going out, and we didn't go to disney for a while either. Also on his bank account thing there was a thing on there for a resort meaning they spent the night together.....I am sooo mad how could he do this to me? What a jerk, i know that he's not worthy of this or my love but it still hurts so bad.... how can you be with someone for so long and then just break up and be with someone else with no real grieving and not feel bad about it? I hate the most the fact that he very likely lied to me about it not being about another girl, b/c i am sure she had in someway something to do with it....i just never thought in a million years he would treat me like this and I never thought he could be such a jerk, i always thought he was a great guy but it's like he's not that person anymore, but I'm sure he is a great guy to her now.....I am the frist girl that he ever broke up with so that makes me feel pretty worthless, too. i guess I was just convenient for him while he worked at nights until his schedule changed and he got bored with me. I mean what a lying, selfish, dishonest, coward! I f I new he could be such a cold hearted and mean person i would have never have been with him for three years, been intimate with him (thats the worst), or talked about marriage. I guess it really doesn't pay to be a loving, honest, stable, and caring girlfriend b/c as soon as some other girl shows some interest I don't mean crap. Nice to know that I am so easily replaced and that he really grieved over our break-up. I have been trying hard to be civil and stay friends even, but I can't do that after all this. He took advantage of me and my family for three years and he's the last person i thought could ever make me feel this way, I would never have done what he did to me, to him. He was all i ever wanted and he'll never know how much i loved him, i guess it's his loss though. You know it really wouldn't have been so bad if he had broken up with me becasue he really was "confused" and wanted to be "alone." At least that way he would not be an ******* and we could have been friends and it wouldn't have to be like this. i don't like being like this with him after three years and after how close we were but I'm not the one who did anything to have it have to come to this. I hope he never does this to anyone ever again becasue its hurts so much, i would not even wish this pain upon him. How can men be so cruel to someone they love? How can your mindset change so suddenly from being in love with the person you have been with for three years to wanting to be with someone you don't even know bad enough to break up with the other? So did you guys ever write an email or call or wahtever? i wrote one but I haven't sent it....

It's just I am so tired with being nice about the whole situation, but I am pissed! At the same time though i don't want to be mean b/c then he would never want to come back if I said what I really want to say, but would I even really want him back? i don't know i hate him and Love him at the same time!!!! I'm so messed up!!! how can you hate someone for doing this to you yet not want to be mean about it but want to be mean about it at the same time, but not want to in case he wants to reconcile, but I don't even know if I would want him back, b/c who's to say it would not happen again..... I kinda wish he would just say hes not coming back so i can be like Ok and move on but I don't even knw if that would really even help....I guess I would be pretty stupid to take him back after this but its so hard ...these feelings suck.... It's just so hard after three years to hate him, but it's so hard after everything that has happened (the breakup, possible lying, the new girl) to love him......





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