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VM and all others- I am having a relatively great day today actually, and I think I am just starting find more clarity on the situation. Like I said in the thread I started 'To Murray', I think I just loved so deep to the point where i surprised myself, and I just assumed that this type of rare and intense love we have for each other is the kind that doesnt just 'disappear'. Its my sort of fantasy on what love is, I guess, maybe its not reality. Especially the way he spoke about us and the way I seemed our love would never go away. The fact he can get over it in a month and start dating his friend is just giving me a very grey cloudy outlook for my future of love. It makes me believe that all love, no matter how intense or strong or respectful (as my rltsp was), will fade, disappear, or become expendable.

I also was thinking about how a lot of the focus of my rltsp was on marriage, partly becaues my ex was a virgin waiting for marriage (and due to other things that don't occur until you're married, cause of his religion), because we just loved each other so much we though it was inevitable, and because we were long-distance the majority of our rltsp so we were very close due to missing each other ALL the time. It made the idea of being 'sealed for life' our desire. I guess thats not good. It just seemed like a lot of things made me sacrifice in the present time and I knew that once we were married things would become more equal. He was the type of guy I knew would be a good father and family oriented, would love me forever (ha!), and would respect me. And we talked about marriage quite a lot, so it seemed like it would really happen and I just really wanted nothing else but to grow old with him, have our children look like us combined, and so on, etc. So its such a devastation that, not only did we not get to that point we planned so much on getting to, our love ended on his side so incredibly fast that it seems like the whole thing was sort of a...joke. I dont know. I hope this makes sense. I assume I am possibly naive to think that I was going to marry this guy...I just really did. And I dont see why I shouldnt have, the way we were together. Even if we did have differences and I am not nearly religious like he is (I'm agnostic), I know eveyrone has differences and I just felt we were so compatible in all other ways. Guess I was wrong.
Other than these thoughts today, I got to ice skate with my friends 6th graders who were absolutely hysterical and adorable. I have this innate ability to connect and love kids so much, which is why Im in the field I am (school psychology), because I want to work with kids and give back to them, since they provide so much happiness to MY life. My ex used to always commend me for how selfless and giving of a person I was- I used to always talk of going abroad as a relief worker, and I might now that I am single! He said how he wishes he could be more like me and give to people like that (ha, he has a long way to go in that aspect). Well, I guess having so much fun with these kids today made me, he really doesnt know what he just gave up. I am rare! (Sorry if I sound conceited, I think its just good to think these things). And that other friend or girlfriend or 'fwb' or whatever she is, I am sure doesnt have that quality. At least, as strong as it is in me. Shes a dentist, haha. So yeah. I suggest to you girls, start realizing things like this about yourself and you will feel better and know that some guy will love that quality about you (as my ex did once), but the difference is that the person that deserves you will love it so much more that they wont be able to let it go or think that it can be replaced.
Hi Murray

Big hugs to you sweetie. Its so horrible when you have dreams about them - you cant control your dreams and they seem so so real. I've had a few dreams about my ex, like that he came my house and told me that he loved me and that he had left his new girlfriend because he wanted me back. And then I wake up and realise that its not real and everything is still the same. Its heartbreaking and gutwrenching stuff :( BUT I have found that if I am thinking about something else when I go to bed it can alter what I am dreaming about. For instance - I was in bed the other night and got a text message from one of my friends, it really made me smile as he often texts me funny quotes from South Park to cheer me up. I then had a dream involving me, him and lots of South Park characters! Weird-I know, but I woke up not thinking about my ex, but with a smile on my face! Maybe you could try putting a dvd or the radio on when you go to bed to distract your mind :)

I also understand everything else you are feeling - I keep thinking whats wrong with me? and also feel that as much as I hate him I still want to be with him. Realistically - in my head - I know that I am gonna be SO SO SO much better off without him in my life and if we WERE back together it would not work. Try telling that to my heart though! All my heart wants is him to come back and hug me and love me and tell me that i'm special etc etc etc. But my head knows that will NEVER happen, as that person that I am longing for just no longer exists. I think a lot of my pain has to do with the fact that I feel I have no control over anything, and I really wanna regain some control over my life and my own feelings. HE was the one to make the decision to end it and HE has broken MY heart. I sometimes have the overwhelming feelings that I'M not good enough for him and ALL I want is him back but HE doesn't want me. That gives him ALL the control. However, I have to remember that in reality I am WAAAAAY too good for him, he was cruel and selfish towards me and if he came crawling back to me would I have such little self respect as to take him back? NO WAY!! It would be brilliant to have the satisfaction of telling him to get lost but I suppose I will just have to do that in my imagination :P

I think we both definitely need to regain some control over our own emotions and not let what anyone else says or does ruin what we feel about ourselves. We are great people, and they are the messed up ones who are missing out on our love and missing the chance of being with us.

Chin up sweetie

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