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Hey Murray, I have to say I am very surprised with how well you are doing. Right after my break-up I dont even think I could have brought myself to go out at all...actually I went home out of state for a while and laid around my parents house weeping and staring and drinking wine...haha. It was awful. I am impressed that you actually got all dressed up and had your friends over.
To be honest, I think it is somewhat insensitive that your friends discussed their coupled lives all night with you...how hard that must have been! I cant even imagine. I am lucky in the sense that, when I was with my ex, I was the only coupled person out of my best friends (we're all 23/24 and all single now- its nice), and while all of my grad school friends are either married or coupled, I am not as close with them so it doesnt bother me as much. If anything, it gives me hope for the future by looking at them getting along so well...my ex rarely gave me the time to come out and hang out much with these people and be a couple along with everyone else when he finally moved here, so I was usually alone anyway (and when we were long-distance, I was used to being alone). I think there is somewhat of a danger when you only have a social life in groups of romantic couples. I know it is difficult when everyone gets married (or close to it) to go out alone, but when stuff happens like this, it is somewhat insensitive to just show up as moral support flashing their significant other in your face.

On the other hand, I wonder if your friends were just trying to distract you. If they had sat with you all night and discussed your feelings and wallowed with you, that would have put a huge damper on the evening Im assuming, and didnt you say you had planned to go out? Either way, I dont know if that is the most sensitive tactic to distract you with, but they may have been trying to help you. With my friends, in the eginning I did not go out and instead I stayed in at people's houses, ordered chinese and drank wine and just talked it out with all of them. Then we'd watch a movie and the whole evening would just be a somber and supportive atmosphere...it helped in the initial stages to just get it out and that way I didnt have to be hurt by people talking about their coupled vacations- you're not ready for that yet.

As for advice- I am the type of person that has no qualms whatsoever about discussing my feelings, showing my emotions (if theyre exaggerated, I dont care, its how I feel at the time), and wallowing. For me, my first week was spent in denial. I stared, I cried, yet I did OK. It was the 2nd week when I talked to him and got some depressing and confusing answers that I became a nutcase. However, the way I deal with things is to just get it ALL out of my system, in all ways, and then pull myself together after Im tired of doing that, and take it step-by-step from then on.
I had a friend last night who told me that: [B]break-ups are the equivalent of someone extremely close and intimate to you dying, except maybe even more HURTFUL because you know they CHOSE to leave you.[/B] This really resonated with me. She said she doesnt find it fair that society allows people all the time in the world to grieve and be depressed, over an actual death, and this is seen as NORMAL and expected, whereas if people do that after break-ups, it is seen as weak, neurotic, and crazy. She also said that, in my situation, the real grieving and response to the break-up should have begun this past Tuesday when I found out about the 'female friend', and I think she is right; because it changed everything, it snapped me into reality. Hes moving on, not coming back. Our relationship is really dead to me, etc. I was dragged along for so long, kept harboring hope due to what he was saying, and assumed he was mourning me like I was mourning him. Now that I see that that is not the case at all and hes a liar and Ive been replaced, I feel like, while I had a head-start with the healing process, I am NOW really going through it.
So for you, heres what I would do. If you have to call him, call him. It might make you look weak and it might not help things, but I do not regret going a little emotional and crazy on him. I was honest with my feelings. I laid it all out on the table, and I was true to myself. It made me feel worse when he would selfishly yell back at me ("you're hurting MY feelings". Please.) and tell me really devastating answers to my questions ("I dont love you anymore"). However, at least I helped myself out...I wanted to call him, I did. I didnt self-sacrifice anymore because he might not like me calling him. I did enough of that when we were together.
Eventually I got over that and cut him out. Now, this new girl thing is horrible to think about, but I really just try to push it out of my head. Let yourself mourn, grieve, get it ALL out and over with, and eventually you will get tired of crying. You are mourning a loss. It is normal, even though society might say otherwise. After that, do what you have been doing. Cram your social life up so that you still realize you can have fun and he didnt ruin that for you. I have seen visual proof that mine is out having a blast, so why shouldn't I? Lay around and mope all you want for awhile (I still am, my room is a mess). Write on these boards, they really help. Try to compliment yourself ALL the time and pick out the things that you find rare in yourself. Make yourself look as hot as possible all the time, it will help you feel attractive and boost your confidence. When you have mental images, try to push them out (this step comes later). I am still having a hard time there but the more I try to consciously block it out, the easier it is.
Over time, we will be oK. I am still right here with you so I think you are doing very well considering how early this is! You are being very mature and I wish I had had the composure that you do, but I am too passionate of a person and I let my emotions overcome me in front of him. Oh well! He can deal...and I'll find my pride again, haha. I hope this helps in any way possible.





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