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Oooh oooh, me! *waves hand*

Okay, when I was 17 I attended a new high school for one year. For the most part it was a miserable experience for me, because the whole school was one giant preppy clique and I am just...well, odd. Anyway, like a week into it, I notice that this guy who rides my bus is kind of cute. It was just a really random thing. So I started moving up on the bus until I was sitting directly behind him. And so one day he starts talking to me, and I could have just died. I thought he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, and to this day still think so. He was definetly different from all of the other guys, he was kind of a loner and sensitive and not a jerk (that I knew of). Right up my alley.

So it became a habit that every day on the bus ride home and sometimes in the mornings he would talk to me. Not just talk, but entertain. He would just open up completely, like the sun peeking out from behind the clouds, and have me laughing and smiling all the way home. It was always the highlight of my day. Anyway, this went on for the entire school year but we never connected outside of the bus, really. There was one weird night that he spent at my house, but we didn't do anything but talk. He would come up to my last period class sometimes and just hang out because he had a study hall that period.

Whenever I tried to take it a step further, it seemed like he backed away. There were a couple of times he was going to do something with a friend of his, and I invited myself along but he kind of nixed those ideas. I didn't really understand, because I was the only girl that I ever saw him talking to. I know he didn't have a girlfriend. Whenever someone would point out to him, and people would do this all the time, that he talked to me an awful lot, he would say "Oh, I'm just talking to her because she's new." Like he was doing this real humanitarian deed, you know. And that ticked me off. But it was like...he seemed so happy talking to me, telling me all about his day and boasting about how well he did at basketball and stupid stuff like that. It's like, why would you come up to [I]my [/I] class and start talking to me, and then act like you're doing me some kind of favor? I don't know if he had any idea how completely happy he made me.

So, the last day of school came and we just said good-bye to each other like it was any other day. In fact, I'm not even sure we even SAID good-bye. And I just kicked myself for the longest time. Then five months later I ran into him. And it was like the absolute most serendipitious thing ever. I was walking downtown with the girl I was baby-sitting for, and we were doing all kinds of shopping, and I approached this one intersection from the south at the same exact moment he was approaching it from the west. So we met at exactly the same point. And he called out to me, and we were talking, and I was walking with him. Long story, but he came up to the house where I was baby-sitting, and he was there for like a half-hour, and it all came back to me again how happy I was just being in his presence. Like I have never experienced that kind of just pure joy before or since. And then eventually he had to go, and we just waved and he walked off and that was the last time we ever talked, 6 years ago.

The worst part of that experience was he told me had somehow not graduated last year like he was supposed to, which was too odd because he was a genius. I'll never forget, he looked really puzzled and asked why I hadn't come back that year. And for awhile I seriously considering marching right back into that school, but in the end I was too afraid that it would look painfully obvious why I was back and I was so afraid that he really didn't like me and I would have just embarrassed myself and looked like a stalker.

I regret to this day that I never said anything to him. At the very least I would have wanted to tell him that I thought he was beautiful, because I'm not sure he knew that. I don't know if it was that I simply wanted to find someone to be head over heels for or what, but I can say that I would not have made it through that school year if it wasn't for him. There is no way I could have endured it. Maybe it was just a puppy love thing, maybe we would not have lasted five minutes as an actual couple, but all I know is that just standing next to him, I felt this unbelievable happiness that I only wish I could experience again even if just for a minute.

So, why do you ask whitehorse? Did you let go of someone you love without telling them?
I don't know if I would call it a lost love but this may sound silly but I had this crush on this same guy for over 10 years. Yes it was over 10 whole years. I loved everything about him that it's insane. I went to grade school with him, he was in my class in grade 2 and the first time I saw him was when I was 7 years old. I fell in love with him instantly, everything about him was just special and wonderful to me even at that young age. He sat infront of me that year and he is one of the nicest guys I know. He's also one of the most gorgeous looking guys I know to this day. We went to the same high school and were in a few classes together too. For years when we were together I'll blush like crazy and didn't know what to say to him when we were talking but I somehow managed to have good conversations with him. We were basically in the same schools till we were both 18. At that time I still had a thing for him, it had dimmed a bit through time and the influx of other guys but he was the one that stole my heart all those years ago. When I went off to university in our hometown I lost contact of him. I didnít see him for a whole year. In that year my heart healed a lot, I learned that there were a lot of other guys out there but somehow I still didnít want to let go.

Then in my second year of university he turned up in my physics class. It was weird but I didnít talk to him that whole year. We just seem like total strangers. I still see him sometimes at school and talk to him. Weíre both older, and more mature now but my previous feelings for him hasnít left me. I wish I had the nerve to ask him out on a date so that Iíll know how he feels about me. Is it just a old classmate type of feeling or more. I ran into him once a year and a half ago in a supermarket and he was surprised to see me. He was with his girlfriend and I had already started dating my current boyfriend. We had a nice chat, and I donít know why but I felt his gf wasnít very pleased he talked to me for so long. I think partly he was surpised at how I looked too. I got rid of my baggy jeans, baggy shirts and reamped myself. Gave myself a makeover, got tigher hotter looking jeans, better looking tops and contacts. It does make me feel good that he probably never thought I was ugly all these years weíve known each other but just pleased to see me in a different light. I still wish to this day that I had went up to him in one of our physics class and asked him out. Who knows what could have happened if I had the nerve to do it when we were both single.

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