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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

Re: He called....
Jan 21, 2006
Wow, Hiya, I am so proud of you! You have come so far since we've known you here :). Your advice is awesome, and every word rings true...I just hope you know that everything we say applies just as much to you as to any other woman. And you are as loving, big-hearted, kind, and caring as anyone I know, as are many other women here...honestly, I don't think any of the women currently posting about men who are putting them through the wringer emotionally have to worry about being too cold, harsh, or quick to write the guys off. All of you have given the guys you're posting about chance after chance to demonstrate their dedication to you and your relationship, and time and time again, they have failed to capitalize on these opportunities. At some point, for your own well-being, you have to draw the line and just end it. Sometimes it seems like people who are in love resist this as long as humanly possible, telling themselves they don't want to do anything that would infringe on their partner/ex's chances to come back begging for a reconciliation. But even when we want the relationship to work and do everything we can to make it work while the other person is pulling away, sometimes we have to end a relationship for our own good even when we don't want to, because the other person is forcing our hand but too cowardly to tell us once and for all that it's over.

Like I said with my painful breakup last year, which was my first experience with a guy leaving me and with being heartbroken, at first he pulled away gradually and wasn't quite sure what he wanted to do as far as the future of our relationship was concerned. We had lived together since we met, and I was so distraught that one day he walked out and rented a room for a week or two, then moved home, then after promising that everything was okay, that we'd still be together forever like we always said, etc., he left again. At that point I knew I couldn't put myself through anymore uncertainty and physically felt like it was killing me. Even though I still love him more than any man I've ever loved or can envision loving in the future, the day he walked out for the second time, I vowed that there would never, ever be another chance for us, no matter how much he begged or pleaded or crawled on his knees desperate for forgiveness. Not like that was going to happen, which is really quite sad because I think he was even harder hit by the breakup than I was, being a lot more sensitive and less tough...we were also both devastated that my chronic pain, his unhappiness and uncertainty about his direction in life, and various family members' influence and interference efforts, some of which were concerted and deliberately manipulative from the start to the end of our relationship. It was all very tragic and while I still miss him like crazy and occasionally feel my heart breaking all over again at the thought of going on without my ex, I knew that we had no future, and that if I held out hope to the contrary, no matter how much I wanted to, that I wouldn't ever truly be able to heal or move on with my life, and deep down, I knew that I would date, have relationships, and even date again because I genuinely adore men and treasure their company. I guess what I'm trying to say to all of you wonderful and amazingly brave, strong women is that sometimes you have to be the one to draw the final line in the sand even when you're not the one that wants the relationship to end.

Again, Hiya, I can't truly put into words how much I admire you and how proud I am to see how far you have come, even if you may not realize it or feel appreciably better than you did a year or two ago. Your advice is so wise and so strong that you are a great, consistent, and reliable inspiration and source of insight for everyone who visits this board. You are a remarkably intelligent, sensitive, and wonderful woman who deserves love and happiness as much as anyone I've ever come across...while you may have effectively given up on finding true and lasting love, I will never give up on this kind of love blessing you. I bet it will happen when you least expect it, as there is just no way that a woman with so much love to give will go her whole life without receiving genuine, caring, reliable, and consistent love in return from a man worthy of a woman as wise, lovely, sweet, and sensitive as you, Nini. Your friends here all love you so much that if we could bottle that and send it to you, I bet it would be almost as good as having a real life Mr. Nini by your side every night and every morning. That really is a special thing, and if there is any fairness or justice in the world, you will get to experience it before long. Since I absolutely adore sex and think it's the best thing, by far, about being alive, I also hope you get to experience a wonderful and mutually satisfying sex life with a man you love, whether or not you are formally married. Whoever came up with the notion that it's somehow wrong or bad to have sex outside of marriage with a partner you care about, when you are taking pains to be responsible, was a pretty stupid, small-minded, and mean-spirited person to want to deny anyone such an exhilarating, mind-blowing experience. I will never, ever, give up on the idea of you getting to experience love and sex with an amazing man who is truly deserving of you...I just know it will happen soon for you!! :)
Re: He called....
Jan 22, 2006
[QUOTE=Hiya]This may be of small comfort to you, cinting, but a lady I work with has a saying:"what you think of me is none of my business." You are a wonderful, classy, kind-hearted lady who tries her best to do right by people, who is aware that every human has room for improvement and maybe you have things to learn, and you will learn them in time and experience, and you are a worthy being on this earth. that's all you need to know. What he thinks you did or why his feelings changed is none of your business, as strange as that may seem. I know it's only natural to feel like there's some kind of "misunderstanding" to clear up, if only you could explain things a little better, he'd understand you more and want to be with you again. I used to go through all that stuff too. But you have to trust me, please listen to me, it's a dead end road. You did the best you could, it didn't jive with whatever it is he wants or thinks he wants, and that's beyond your control. You could waste months, even years and years of your precious life trying to figure out what you did "wrong" and maybe you might have moments of clarity on what not to do the next time. But those little moments will come to an open mind and heart like yours whether you obsess about this guy and what went wrong or not. Chalk it up to the wrong person at the wrong time and do your best to move on. There are no answers to those questions you keep asking, even though we all ask them, and even if there were answers, they can only be applied to next time. This guy has exercised his free will and it's beyond your control. All you can do is react to it as maturely and as dignified as you can.[/QUOTE]

Again, this couldn't be more right on, accurate advice. Hiya is so wise and kind to share the lessons she's unfortunately learned the hard way, and I hope SOOO much that she will get a chance to put all her hard-earned insights to use in a wonderful, healthy, mutually respectful relationship. I am also thrilled that she has realized that tormenting herself by asking questions like what did I do wrong and why did his feelings change is a dead end road. Honestly, Cinting, there just aren't any answers to these questions...he probably doesn't know himself, except he does seem to know that for whatever reason, you aren't the right partner for him. That's OK and doesn't mean you aren't an awesome, wonderful woman; most of us just aren't compatible with each other in the long run, as much as we might like each other and hit it off in the initial stages of dating. Since you've run into obstacles and problems this early on, you can be sure that he's not the right partner for you either. So it really doesn't matter whether he wants to date casually or just be friends, because you deserve a lot more, and better, than he's willing and able to give you in a relationship. He's made that clear, so you should leave him in your dust and find someone who is everything you want in a man and who gives you everything you want in a relationship. Don't ever feel like you need to lower your standards or worse, change yourself to suit what a man wants and is looking for, because the right man will be looking for a woman exactly like you are when you are being yourself. Anyway, I can't reply to your post as well as Hiya did, so I won't keep rambling on, but I really hope you read her post several times and save it so you can refer to it when you start dwelling on the same questions. It's hard not to think about these issues obsessively when someone you really liked lets you down and makes it clear that he isn't going to be what you hoped he'd be as a partner, but you'll only drive yourself nuts and make your healing process unnecessarily long and difficult if you think about these questions that have no satisfactory answers. And whatever you do, PLEASE make sure you don't humiliate yourself by calling and otherwise contacting him repeatedly asking the sort of questions you posed in your last post, because you'll never get any responses out of him that will help you get over him, which is what you really need to be concentrating on now. It's time to be selfish and focus your energy and attention on healing from this setback and moving on, just like he's been selfish and focused on his own life rather than on you. You deserve a lot better, and there are lots of guys out there who are dying to meet a great girl like you, so please don't waste anymore time on someone who doesn't appreciate and want you exactly as you are!!

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