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thanks sophiaM, that post really helped.
Im sinking back into the depression I went through last week, and Im really, really scared. Im scared of feeling how I did last week. I wish I had the ability to stop thinking about him, keep busy, take my mind off thinsg- but its not working- all thee thoughts and feelings are controlling me and I cant control myself. I havent been to university for well over a week. Sending emails to my tutors explaining Ive been feeling under the weather.
Im constantly crying now, miserable without him, miserable at what happened and how its happened. I keep thinking of how perfect he is and the really good times we had together. If im not crying, Im sleeping in bed. Im still not eating properly. I have dreams every night about whats happened and I still keep waking up and thinking, for the first five seconds, that we are still together. Then I realise we're not then I start crying.
This is such a dramatic change for me, Im not coping well at all. I spent so long with him- near enough every day of my life for the past seven months. Really loved him. I hate him for letting me go so easily. How is he finding this so easy? I cant believe this, I really cant. I seemed to be so so so important to him, he says I still am, which is obviously not true. If he had those strong feelings for me, if he really wanted me- which I thought hedid- we spent all our time together, he seemed to be very dedicated. I wish I hadnt met him, I really do. Despite the happiness he had brought into my life, taught me what its like to love someone, I still wish I hadnt met him because of all the hurt and confusion Im going through now.
Ive organised holidays with friends, I go out every two nights but it all ends up the same.
I feel so alone, I cant seem to do anything, I always feel like I have no one, I feel as though my close friends have let me down- many of them arent making an effort- i mean by not talking to me hardly. Ive had to rely on other friends who I never considered that close to.
I never use to be like this with any of my ex-boyfriends. I use to be such a strong girl- I wouldnt take any crap from any guy. But this guy changed me. I really love this guy but I see no way of getting back and no way of a happy life for me in the near future.
I now wont let him see how hes made me feel.
Last night was bad, I just hope we can still be friends in time. I cant bear not being friends, being there for him, not knowing whats going on in his life. I mean it when I say I can be friends. Just in the meantime, Im finding it hard.
Help :(

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