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Hello -- I posted here many months ago regarding my relationship with an alcoholic, narcissistic, emotionally manipulative man. My last post stated that I had finally broken up with him. I thought I was done, but lo and behold, I'm right back where I started, well actually, in a worse situation. I don't want to type every horrible detail because that would take forever, so I will outline the fundamental problems that I had with him to start.
1. He drinks almost every day, and he drinks a lot.
2. He collects disability but is healthy and able to work. He claims "mental disability" from the armed forces.
3. He sleeps until noon, does nothing productive, then complains at the end of the day about "what a hard day" he had. Then he starts drinking.
4. He gets surly, loud, obnoxious, outrageous and disgusting when he drinks.
5. He makes plans with me and constantly breaks them, blows me off, or completely stands me up because he's at the bar. (we've been together almost two years we practically live together...and he is 45 and I am 40).
6. He has three children from a previous marriage, ages 13, 18 and 21. They are ALL very messed up emotionally and one is a recovering junkie. He has his 13 year old son every other weekend and he leaves him alone at his place while he goes out and gets wasted until 2:00 in the morning. He will often bring his drinking buddies home with him when the bars close and continue drinking while his son attempts to sleep. He also brings his son to bars and leaves him sitting in the corner with his GameBoy while he plays pool and gets wasted.
6. He blows up and has temper tantrums (drunk AND sober) and displays violent behavior...he doesn't hit his kids or me, but it is violence all the same and it scares his son and it scares me. He says inappropriate things around his kids and acts very volatile -- one minute he's irrationally yelling at me or his children, the next minutes he's overly loving, "oh i love you so much", etc.
7. I found out last month I was pregnant. We were shocked. My first thought was "abortion." I even went so far as to look up clinics on the internet. He said to me "I find myself wishing you would have a miscarriage." Then the VERY next day, he around to everyone we know telling them I was pregnant and how HAPPY he was, etc., etc. Talk about confused! I almost feel like he manipulated me; he didn't want it, I didn't want it, then he thought about it, like Hmmmm, maybe this is a way I can control her, keep her from leaving me, if I tell everyone, then she CAN'T have an abortion. As time went on I decided to have the baby. Then things really went downhill. His bad behavior towards me escalated, almost as if he was thinking "i can go out and get drunk whever I want, and she will stuck at home because she can't go out and drink," like he had me where he wanted me or something. I don't know. It was bad before, but now at least 2 or 3 times a week he stands me up or blows me off...tells me he'll be here at 6:00 and never shows up, or calls me at 8:00 and says "he's too hammered to make it here." (I live a few blocks away from him). You don't know how many nights I've received calls from concerned people because they see him out drinking and know i'm home alone and probably scared and lonely. Since the day I got pregnant, I have been stressed out, lonely, angry, sad, exhausted and I feel beaten down and unhappy. I don't feel happy about being pregnant; he has taken that from me.
8. The last straw was last night; he was supposed to spend the evening watching a movie with his son. I told him "you really need to spend time with him and stop leaving him by himself when he comes to visit you." He said he agreed and was going straight home. He stopped by and I told him I was feeling very ill; I had come home from work early that day; i had a headache and bad pains in my stomach and not to be graphic, "passed" something when I went to the bathroom that made me fear I was miscarrying. I was scared to death and he knew it. He said he had to get his son home, but would call me to check on me shortly and would be in for the night with his son. Well, I called him about 20 minutes later because I read some things on the internet that stated that I was exhibiting signs of miscarriage and I was frightenend. He didn't answer the phone, and he never called to check on me as promised. I tried to reach him from 9:30 until midnight; no answer and no call. I even left him a message telling him I was scared and feeling really awful. He never called. Turns out he was at the bar ALL NIGHT. Left his son all alone again and did not call to see if I was okay. Again. I don't know why I expected anything different. Then he called this morning and acted like nothing happened. I told him how angry I was that he didn't call me, told him how worried I was and he said "I wasn't worried. You were all right." I asked why he didn't answer the phone and he said he didn't notice it rang; it was in his coat pocket. Yeah, right. He was the one that was supposed to be calling me to check on ME. I heard from a friend that he sitting at the bar all night getting drunk and playing pool. I asked him why he didn't call at 10:30 like he said he would and he said "because I was getting high." Can you believe that? Then I gave him hell for leaving his son alone again even after he promised his son he would be with him all night and promised me too...that kid needs him...he is SO messed up...and he said "my relationship with my kids is NONE of your business" and said yes it is, it sickens me to see you abandoning your son over and over again when he comes to visit you and you only see him 4 days a month!! We hung up. Then he called later, only to brag about winning a pool tournament! I couldn't believe it. Then he said "I'm sorry about our argument this morning" and I said "we didn't really argue. The big question is, are you sorry about last night?" and he said "hmmmmmmmmmmm, i'll have to think about that one" and I said "Don't waste your time" and hung up. Then he called back and I didn't answer. He left a message saying only "The only crime is in your mind." He always says little manipulative catch phrases like that to get to me. I didn't justify it with a response. Then 2 hours later, he sent me a text message saying "he misses me." I think he's truly insane, I swear.

Anyway, I have decided not to go through with this pregnancy; it has brought me nothing but pain and fear and misery and stress and that is not a healthy way to bring a child into the world and I cannot afford to do it myself and I cannot fathom raising a child with him. He doesn't really want the child, I'm sure, but he will raise hell. I'm not even going to tell him I'm doing it. He's not the dad, he's a donor. He's never been supportive to me. If anything, he has caused me so much stress that it has made me sick -- I still feel like I'm on the verge of losing this baby; haven't felt well all day. The question is, why did I keep taking him back, and how do I split up with him and make it permanent this time? He's soooooooooooo manipulative and so good at tugging at my heart strings and toying with my emotions. He's really good. Many years in military intelligence has honed his skills, not to mention a lifetime of manipulating everyone around him. I've heard things from his family, so I know it's been going on a really, really long time. We live VERY close to each other and we both know everyone in this city...I run into him or someone we both know if I just walk out the door; and that's how he got me before; I would just give in because he never gave me a chance to get over it because he was always there, in my face. I can't move any time soon, so that's not an option. I also don't want to spend every night hiding in my living room, because lonlieness will make me want to go back to him too. Please, if you have any thoughts or advice to help save me from going back the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life, please, please help me. I am at the lowest of low right now and I have GOT to get my life back. Thank you so much.

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