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Re: What the...?
Jan 30, 2006
[QUOTE=digmusic]I know, it's like he was acting like such a great friend to me and when he realized nothing more was going to happen he just sort of turned into this angry bitter mean-spirited person. I hate losing friends but he isn't acting like a friend to me so I guess I'll just respect his wishes and leave him alone.[/QUOTE]

Hi Julia,

I can totally understand where you are coming from, and I'm very sorry that you're having to go through the difficult experience of losing a friend just because he is too insecure and jealous to be around and watch you date other guys when he knows he can't have you as more than a platonic friend. I've been through this probably at least a dozen times, and unfortunately, it never gets any easier and less frustrating when a male friend, who you have never implied you want anything more than friendship from, all of a sudden starts acting like you are a mean and evil person just because you aren't interested developing in anything romantic and sexual with him. I've never had very much in common with the vast majority of women out there, and a lot of the girls I've known have strongly disliked me without knowing me at all, so I've always had a lot of guy friends and few female friends. For the most part, this has been wonderful, since guys tend to make very loyal, supportive, and caring friends. But when guys want to befriend me because they are hoping it will lead to more than friendship and I don't feel the same way, it's inevitably disastrous. I still cringe thinking of the mean, harsh things men have said to me while writing off what had often been a really close friendship...I think that this is mainly because men have pretty sensitive egos and they can't stand what is involved in fully accepting the fact that a girl they like isn't even slightly interested in them. So instead, they blame us for being shallow or blind or foolish for not wanting to get involved with them as anything more than friends, then they feel the need to avoid our friendship because they can't stand to face the constant reminder that we weren't interested and the effect this rejection has on their egos. They also feel entitled to us somehow, even though we've never given them the slightest indication that we like them as more than friends, so they end up feeling justified in avoiding us and being angry at us because they can't stand witnessing us date other men and processing that as yet another blow to their egos.

I also think this is why men who are bitter and angry that a large number of women have rejected them and that they have been unlucky in finding dates and girlfriends claim that they are really nice, sweet guys and that girls are all the same, foolish and stupid creatures who aren't wise enough to know that we need those guys and blinded by the allure of "bad boys." I think this is total nonsense and have yet to meet anyone but bitter, lonely men who believe that all women are the same and that all men are either bad boys or nice guys...in fact, these generalizations are completely inaccurate. Women differ as much from each other as any individual person differs from any other individual, and the vast majority of men out there claiming that their lack of success with women is because women only like bad boys, not nice guys like them, aren't nearly as nice as they imagine. If they really were kind, upbeat, positive people, they'd have a lot more success with women...in fact, it's almost always these guys who blame their lack of popularity among the women they like on their being too nice that end up being incredibly rude and mean to female friends because their self esteem is damaged by those friends not wanting anything more than platonic relationships with them. Clearly, those cases involve men who aren't nearly as nice as they think, and who would probably do a lot better with girls if they were truly "nice guys" who didn't let their bruised egos and selfish desires come before genuine friendships. Anyway, Julia, I'm sorry this happened, but it's obvious that you are much better off without this guy as a boyfriend or even a friend if he would write off your friendship over something you can't control. While I know how much it hurts, try to remember that you deserve better and are better off without him in your life in the long run. Hang in there and take good care of yourself!





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