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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

To be honest, it really upsets me when people think they are more moral or somehow better than people who have had a lot of sex just because they haven't had much sexual experience. It just seems like such people invariably wish they would have had more experience but weren't able, over the course of their lives, to find many people who were interested in becoming involved with them. So whenever a guy is so insecure as to be threatened and troubled by his girlfriend having had a lot of guys want her and experience her in the past, it tends to make me defensive. I don't want to let that color my advice, however, it sounds like you might be in a bit of denial as to how your insecurities and the fact that you seem embarrassed by the very limited amount of sexual partners you've had are influencing your opinions about your partner. To say that all your partners were meaningful just because you felt a meaningful attraction to them strikes me as an attempt to compensate for your lack of sexual experience and to take it out on people who have felt a strong attraction to more people and been lucky enough to have more people than you have had take them up on their interest in sexual involvement. A lot of guys who aren’t extremely popular with women tend to resent attractive women who have had their pick of male partners since they were old enough to be interested in sex…by your age, that means that a particularly desire woman with a strong sex drive and not much interest in settling down could easily have racked up a hundred partners without having been at all indiscriminate in her choice of lovers. For many men, this can exacerbate their preexisting insecurities and lack of pride regarding their own limited sexual experience, as it’s a lot harder for the average guy to find a willing female partner than it is for a good-looking woman. I don't mean to be critical, I really don't, but I think you should examine how your own preoccupations and insecurities are impacting the way you view this entire situation before making any firm decisions about how to proceed with the woman you're currently dating.

Anyway, her past doesn’t really matter at all, and if you were truly in love with this woman and envisioned a future with her, I think you would be eager to do anything you can to leave her past in the past and embrace her, as well as love her, unconditionally from now on. The fact that you are unable to look past the fact that a lot more men have been with her than woman have been with you either suggests that you are suffering from a debilitating lack of self esteem about your lack of sexual experience or that you are judging your girlfriend because you resent her past being so different than yours. If the first is true, then you should seriously consider seeking professional help to try to come to terms with the fact that not many women have as much trouble as men when it comes to finding desirable partners who throw themselves at them and make it very hard to say no to sex. A TON of men out there let this bother them, probably because they have spent so much time and effort trying to find women they like who feel the same way about them and want to get physical without experiencing much success and therefore can’t help being resentful or even hostile deep down toward attractive women who have never had the slightest bit of trouble finding men who are eager to take them to bed. But in this case, it sounds more likely that the latter situation outlined above is the primary problem, and that your minimal sexual experience and your personal values regarding sexual involvement are causing you to have considerable objections to her being open to a wide variety of different partners and going through periods in her past where she was less than discriminating about with whom she was willing to be intimate. My personal feeling is that you’re having these concerns because you have hesitations about this woman, and because subconsciously, it’s easier for you to blame these reservations on her past, her sexual experience, her problems with bulimia and cutting, and her lack of certainty regarding her future with you than to admit that you may not be the kind of open-minded, accepting partner that she needs. If she’s just not the right woman for you and you know that deep down, then don’t worry about anything but being honest, upfront, and immediately letting her know that you aren’t interested in pursuing any further relationship with her. But the fact that you lump all 3 billion women in the world together and patronize them by assuming they are all alike and that you could easily understand all of them by understanding “women,” makes me think that a number of the insecurities, hang-ups, and preoccupations I listed above might be at play here, and that you might benefit dramatically from seeking therapy regarding your issues with women and relationships.

But what this particular issue really boils down to is, can you see yourself with this woman in the future or not? If you just can’t envision yourself forming a long term relationship with a woman with her problems and her sexual past, then you’re doing both of you a disservice by continuing to see her and maintaining the illusion that there is still a possibility of a future with her. So if anything that she has done or is doing will inevitably stand in the way of you being amenable with a future of her, I really hope you will be honest with yourself and her by cluing her into the fact that you don’t view you two as compatible. If however, you really like her and are just having a hard time getting over the idea that she’d had a lot more sex than you with a lot more people, then that is your issue, and working with a professional counselor is probably the best way to overcome your bitterness and resentment toward women who have never had any trouble having as much sex as they wanted with just about any guy they desired, which is a very common reason why men feel hostile towards women and have difficulty forming and sustaining mutually satisfying, long term relationships. And guys who object to that number of partners for a woman should give some serious thought to whether they are sexist and hold women to absurdly outdated standards of modesty…it sickens me how many guys out there want women who have little sexual experience, yet envy and congratulate their male friends who succeed in bedding a large number of women. Anyway, it would definitely be worth your while to address any hang-ups and other issues that may be getting in the way of you being able to leave the past in the past and focus on enjoying the future with a woman you really like without obsessing about her past or letting her previous sexual experience cause resentment or insecurity within you that prevents you from being able to devote your full attention, energy, and enthusiasm to a woman who could potentially greatly enrich your life and improve your overall satisfaction with life and love. In any event, I wish both of you nothing but the best and hope that you both find happiness very soon…I also hope that everything works out for the best with this situation. Good luck and take care!

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