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Re: Help please
Feb 21, 2006
i woke up in a real state this morning, i had planned to wake up very early and go to my lecture but i was too fragile, i literally couldnt move in my own bed...the images of him and her, him being so excited with her, getting butterflies in his stomach, calling her to take her out, kissing her and not feeling anything for me but bitterness and spite. i thought he was mad about me, doesnt seem likely even once upon a time, does it? otherwise how could feelings vanish in the space of 3-4weeks as he put it? all feelings definately vanished otherwise the explanation of my side of what happened, declaring my love for him last saturday wouldve brought about something, even if it was some respect- or no, maybe just me being upset, him listening to how hurt i am would bring about something in somenoe who became very close to me? or simply he wouldnt have abused me so bad on the phone. he would have been more considerate. its my fault too, i shouldve stopped calling him, but i really thought there was a change of getting back together. what a fool i was. i also keep thinking that if we hadnt have talked so much and have him abuse me so much that things wouldnt have got to this stage and he wouldnt dispise me and that he would one day call again- the feeling of him calling freely on his own out of the blue appeals to me but it probably wont happen now even tho we agree to talk in a month (trust me, i dont want to at all, even the simple thought of him talking to me would push me over the edge)- its all come too much now. doesnt seem like he even cared once upon a time- screaming at me down the phone, calling me names, blaming it all on me= the emotional abuse hurts the most...:( for the past week my head has had a constant ringing in it from the shouting and abuse :( i didnt deserve any of this...i never did anything that remotely bad...yesterday was an all time low tho, he was taking the mick of out me crying...that hurt...
i woke up in a real state but now all your posts have helped me...thanks so much.
it is possible for me to tell him to go away.,i couldnt handle simply saying "hello" to him on the phone. yesterday we were talking online then he got frustrated and wanted to talk on the phone and i kept telling him i didnt want to because i was scared- i genuinely was scared of the possibility of him screaming and hurling abuse- he promised me he wouldnt so i picked up to hear what? you guessed it right. no, i dont want to speak to him ever again. it hurts way too much.
i really wonder if he'll miss me.
i cant believe he kept saying "lets take this month to simply see how we feel, i want to know, without pressure or anyting to be expected from me, if i have made the right decision. of course im going to think about things, ill think about getting back together if i want and when i want but i think ive made the right decision. ive started seeing jess and will be with her in a few weeks" this was the entire conversation for almost four hours. "who knows what the future will bring, i may miss you, i dont know because i cant predict the future. lets leave eachother alone. i dont know what life is like without you. let me see. but im pretty sure ive made the right decision." I CANT BELIEVE I SAT AND LISTENED TO THIS FOR HOURS, BUT WHAT MADE IT WORSE IS THAT HE KEPT SWOPPING AND CHANGING HIS MIND. he kept confusing me and when i asked for explanations he would end up screaming. i was too upset to put the phone down, i was too distraught to do anyting. i was crying and trying to make sense of things.
i gave him so much even after the breakup. it means so little to him, thats obvious otherwise he wouldnt treat me like an animal- even on the phone. who has he become? i serioulsy never ever saw any of this coming otherwise id have been out of this very quick. we shouldnt pretend this girl is not going to be better than me- she will be and he'll love her and itll be so longerm, i can feel it, i really can. and its tearing me apart. i dont know how to deal with it. can i ask for advice on how to deal with it please?? how do i not let it grind me down? i feel as tho ive been pushed over, face down, and im lying on the ground in the mud with no way of getting up...he wont miss me at all, especially when a new relationship is on the cards- at the beginning of relationships theres always excitement and a feeling of newness and starting afresh- hes got all those feelings. he wont miss me at all especially not after this week of intensity. he may possibly feel guilty but i dont want that. what would i like? haha, well id like him and her not to get together. id like last week not to have happened, especially ysterday. i wish i never met him. i wish i didnt have to be going through this pain. i wish he would one day call and tell me he misses me so much and that he wants me back. but none of this will come true. its all reality and altho ive accepted it, its bloody hard to deal with...its so hard not to cry...its so hard trying to pick myself up from the mud... :(
ive been such a fool and hes been so cruel
im afraid to say it but today im not feeling as strong as i was last night. i know im still madly in love with him. lastnight i promised myself that if my feelings returned that i would simply think about yesterdays phone call conversation and think about the way he treated me- i thought itd put me right off. it does but it doesnt put off my feelings of love for him, feelings of betrayal, feelings of hurt, abuse etc. i really thought a few weeks ago that i couldnt feel any worse, i genuinely believed that, but now look, ive been torn into a billion pieces...i cant function well at all...the feelings are so strong and neagtive i really cant deal with it
i dont really want to see a counsellor, i dont want to explain this whole situation again to someone, its too deep and complicated and i cant drag it all up again...this will just have to get better with time, i hope someone is watching over me because im so scared about whats going to happen to me in the future to come, im so scared this is going to take me a long, long time to get over....
whats happened to me is so traumatic :( i need help and advice please
i cant stand these feelings...i feel so down, i feel as tho i am not worthy of anything...i feel so ugly, i dont even want to look nice...i cant bring msyelf to even think about walking out of the house anymore...please tell me the best way to get over all these feelings i have





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