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Re: Help please
Feb 27, 2006
Thing is, amanda--you don't really KNOW if you want them back until you have some distance and fill yourself up. COuld just be lonliness, losing, poor self esteem, afraid to be alone, whatever. I felt this way over my husband of 12 yrs. I felt this way over the first love I had after him--both times devistated like never before--and you know what?? It all changed with distance. I went thru the self blame, went thru the obsessive wanting him back no matter what, and now I see I wouldn't have either of them in my life. For any reason. They were jerks, liars, pretenders, weak, etc.. It takes distance to see that or otherwise you what, get back together b/c you're there for them--and the same relationship (that mind you, broke up) is still there. Remember--the one that made you unhappy, or them unhappy enuf to end it in the first place.

I still say distance is the way for her to go on this. It will take time and support--right now it's too raw to put herself out there in any way for him. Stay away!! No letters (that you have any intention of ever sending) no calls, no emails. Keep repeating to yourself---I can only give myself closier!! It's a choice I make--no one else. I decide that book is closed. I am doing this for me. I am worthy of more, the best!

Now, as for sharing my story, girl...oooh It's ugly. But it has a beautiful ending!!

I'll try and be brief. Married 12 yrs. Two kids, a home, the works. Stay at home mom for the bulk of our marriage. Money...yup...had it. Husband left for his GF.Totally blown away. Got STD tests done, cried for 2 months straight, didn't eat, practically didn't get out of bed. Got heat, water, electric, gas, trash service, phone, internet, cut off in my own beautiful home where me and kids live. Passed out in the gas mans arms in front of 6 of my neighbors. Ugly, worst time in my life. Wanted to die, swore I'd never love anyone again, begged him, ignored him, hated him, rode the rollercoaster of hell. One day, snapped out of it--for my kids and for me.

Got a gym membership, worked out like crazy. Tanned, reconnected with old friends, made new, went out all the time with friends, read books, gutted my house of all things "him", made lists of my wants and needs and followed them witha vengence, saw a therapist that empowered me, etc... I could go on.

Met "dream guy." 4 months later. Fell in love with him. HARD. He felt same, soul mate, kids involved, together all the time, yada yada..One day he didn't call. Didn't return my call. Strange. A week went by. StrangER. Went to a job where he was working and confronted him, but very cool. "If you don't wanna b w me, fine. I can deal, just have the guts to tell me, and why." He said he did and was so happy to see me, just got scared. Cool. He called, a couple of times, and one time I finally said, "so what am I, your phone a friend now?" It got intense, he "didn't know"...bla bla bla, I told him have a nice life. F U kind of attitude. I wrote several letters, obsessed like crazy and was miserable. DISTANCE...hmmm...worked before and taught me a lot. SO I distanced. This was murder for me cuz his daughter was still coming to my house and crying saying she knew her dad still loved me, adn that it would always be me. Murder!

Now I see he lied, was a coward, immature, and head serious issues. Drinker too. My heart used to fly out of my chest when I saw him. Now it doesn't skip a beat. I saw him last week. He was sitting at our table as I walked in.(we have mutual friends) He said, "Hello laurie. How are you? (looking me up and down, as my cute factor was up that night.LOL) I said, "I'm great! Don't I look like I'm great?" ...(uuuh...what the heck just came out of my mouth?!!!) He looked back and said, "Yes...yes, you really do." I was able to smile back and enjoy my night of flirting and having fun. He left early like a slithering snake, and said goodbye to no one. Ha for him---yeah for me. DISTANCE!!! (notice a theme here?) I didn't deserve a liar, another man with serious issues. God had interveined in a way I had to let HAPPEN , not manipulate in any way, just say, "OK---this hurts. What are you trying to show me?" Distance......OMG--this guy is a jerk!! Thanks for the tip. Got it. Not to be preachy, but I was desperate enuf at this point to be making all kinds of "deals" with God. I think a lot of us do that. Finally what I heard Him saying to me was, "GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!" (not out loud--I'm not crazy, just a feeling) I saw I was self sabbotaging, needy, afraid of being alone, and I was manipulating situations so I wouldn't have to feel that pain. I had to believe once and for all, that things were going to be OK. No matter what, I was going to be ok--and that all this pain had to be for a reason, I just hadn't been shown yet what that was.

I figured out months later it was self growth and recognizing what made ME happy. I couldn't have that w H, couldn't have had that with this guy, had to have it on my AGONIZING own. Sucked at first. But it gets easier. Got drunk more than a few times, had a great roll in the hay with a hot young friend. OOOPS! LOL. Oh well, was starting to feel really sexy again, and I had this realization..."I can DO this if I want to! OMG!!

So FF to October. I'm alone. Happy. Look great. Self esteem way up there again. Have tons of friends. Love my life. Kids are happy and well adjusted. Have a job I like. House and utilities are good, paid for. Enjoy being alone. HUH? Yeah--actually like it. I'm sitting there, in my comfy home away from home with a couple nice guy friends of mine. Havin some beers, when a guy walks in that was the hottest thing I had EVER seen in my life. Young. WAY too young. WAY too hot!! Our eyes locked and we had what I affectionately refer to as an eye ****** for about a half hour. LOL!!

We got together that night---SO unlike me!! In the most animalistic way. Like the most mega attraction I have ever had--EVER. Hot. I was positively gitty and laughed at myself all the next day, as did my friends! Well, to make a long story short, I just had his 22nd bday party at my home this past Saturday. Yup. We are still together. Having amazing sex, laughing, (there;s been some drama--he's young..)but for the most part, having an absolute BLAST. I have tons of new friends, a hot, hot lover, great kids who are A students, a job I like, and starting my own business. I look better than I did ten years ago, and I know it's because I am happier. Took some mountains to climb--but I built some muscle over those mountains!!!! One day, I'll settle back down again--but not anytime soon. Having way too much fun. (oh, and BTW---BOTH men want me back. Both of them can stick it where the sun don't shine, baby!) I've seen the other side of this mountain--strength wise, integrity wise, personally, sexually, spiritually....I'm NEVER going back!!!!

DISTANCE, self work, happiness, fun, doing what you want always, ......and a hot young guy never hurts!! LOL

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