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Relationship Health Message Board


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Hello. Well, I usually post on the back boards (just had a 2-level spinal fusion), but I need some input on my relationship.

I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 years now. We live in a great house in a nice neighborhood. We have a 3 year old who is absolutely beautiful and happy. We certainly look to be a perfectly happy family on the outside.

Well, "J" is very successful, driven, and very intelligent. He runs his own business with a partner. So, this means he is the boss. He is also very even in his emotions...there is hardly ever a variation.

I suppose we have been having problems about 6 months into our relationship. In the beginning, he was very "fun", always telling me he loved me, hugging me, kissing me, etc. His friends all said they were amazed b/c they had never seen him act this way before. I know the newness of a relationship wears off, but it was like night and day almost. He became more serious and stopped showing affection, etc. In fact, I was going to leave about 9 mnths into the relationship, but decided to give it some more time.

We decided to build a house, and 2 weeks after we signed, I found out I was pregnant. During my pregancy, he did several thiungs to really hurt my feelings. Like staying out all night playng poker with the guys and not even calling, not going to a wedding I was in, but telling his parents he was so he would not have to attend a familt function. I was 6 month pregnant and had no date and was a bridemaid. I had to drive 3 hours by myself and stay in a hotel all alone. Then, at 32 weeks, I went into pre-term labor and had to go to the hospital and get a shot. I called and told him about my contractions and that I was in the hospital. He had just sat down to dinner ith the guys and actually asked if he had to come. I told him not to...I was so hurt. He was not even concerned.

ANyways, we had decided not to get married just b/c of the pregnancy, but I thought he might at least get me a ring. Well, after I had the baby, I began hinting around at it. I decided to leave my FT job at an investment banking company to just work PT at the hospital so I could be home with the baby, but still get out and get health insurance for me and her.

He decided that we needed to build a deck and actually asked me if I wanted a ring or the deck. Well, you know what I wanted,but he built the deck instead. It almost seemed like a slap in my face. So, at this point, there was tenson between us and really no affection. Around this time, I began having back problems...difficult delivery..I ended up damaging my discs, etc.

I became very depressed and pulled away as well. And then I did something wrong. I became frinds with a guy I worked with and in Novemeber of thatbyear, decided I wanted out and had an affair with him. He was there for me, cared about my health problems, etc.

Now, I have to say that J is a wonderful father, and I would never take that away from my daughter. But, he would tell me that I was hypochondriac and just loved going to the dr. Well, I proved him wrong when I ended up having to have this surgery.

He talked me into ending the relationship at work and giving it another try for the baby. After a few weeks or turmoil, I agreed. And, I have NOT cheated since.

The last 2 years have been the worst in my life. I was in a car accident and ruptured a disc in my neck as well as injured my back more, the lady who hit me never went to court and we still have noit been able to file suit b/c my docs will not agree to make a statement saying the accident negatively affected my back (which before the wreck, I was still working...I have not worked since). The ddeath of my father was sudden...just 10 days after his wife had passed. My uncles were there and called me (we are in Ohio and he was in FL)and asked permission to go into the house b/c they saw his foot through the window and it was purple. He said he was going to call, but over an hour later when I called to see if he was alright...he told me he was going over later that night. I had to call 911 here from Ohio and have the police go. They found him dead and told me it had only been a few hours. My uncle never has told us the truth of what happened and many items were stolen, it was hurricane season, Hurricane Charlie had hit and it took us 10 days to get down to his home and make arrangements, etc. Through the estate we got an awful attorney who ultimatley did nothing for us and we ended up losing his house b/c she told us not to talk with the mortgage company b/c that was her job.

Anyways, it has been a very, very hard time for me. With the surgery and all, chronic pain leading up to the surgery, being on narcotics to controll the pain, etc. And I still do not know if I will be able to work, it has only been 2 months.

I am able to take a step back and see that somehow I am now totally dependent on J. Everything is in his name...house, cars, insurance, everything.

And all through this, I have tried to "prove" to him that I can be trusted...it has been over 2 years. I gave up my friends, don't go out, can not work. He keeps telling me that marriage is a piece of paper. And that we will marry soon. It is always soon.

While I was in the hospital for my back surgery, he only visdited me 2x for about 15 minutes and only brought my daughter 1 of the times. He did not even get me a card. Nothing. I am a firm believer that actions speak much louder that words...and that told me he did not care...was not even worrried. And I almost had to have a blood transfusion. And sex..well, that is the only time he even touches me, and it is all for him. Basically, drop your pants and let's go. He insists that words are the real meaning, not actions.

I do not have the means to leave...even to give him an ultimatum. He is in complete control of my life and I feel the anxiety and fear of that. I really hate it, I never in a thousand years would have thought thisw would be my life.

Anyways, I know this is long and confusing, but if anyone has an opinion on what I can do, please reply. If nothing else, writing this has been kind of refreshing.

I know I cheated, but when is it time to say enough? Maybe I am selfish, but I think e should be here for me emotionally...this has been the worst time in MY life. Not that it has been easy for him. There is no affection, he told me while I was in the hospital that he read all my emails, he just had to know if I was having another relationship. I am just so hurt. I am so depressed and desperate for attention that I feel so lonely and pathetic. Thank God for my baby girl..she keeps me going. I really do not know what to do. and if we did marry...it would be worse.

Am I still here just b/c he does not want to be a part-time Daddy? He had said that when we were going to split. He says that is not it. That he loves me. Yet, the only time he says it is when we argue. I just don't get it.

All my friends that I still email say he has me in the perfect position, where he is in control of everything. He has all the benefits of a marriage w/o the risk.





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