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When me and my fiance first got together, we had a lot of "issues", as most might have.

She was not as comitted to the relationship as I was, yet. I tried to talk to her as best as I knew how and explain my feelings about our isssues, but at that time I didn't feel she cared.

(I am leaving out examples of what I did and what she did, because they do not really matter, as I am trying to be objective about our issues, not the blame.)

One thing I have always done in the past is, when I am that frustrated, is I would go to my best friend and complain/vent about my partner. Because he and I have similar views on mostly everything, it was nice to hear that my thoughts, feelings and concerns were actually valid; it's not just me who thinks this way and that what I am saying does make sense.

Thank God! It's not just me who gets this. And I'm not crazy.

The problem is I mentally/emotionally "teamed up" with my best friend and his wife about this against the person "wronging me". That, more or less, created a "I am right; don't you see that you are wrong?" atmosphere.

I am past blaming and finding whose fault it is now and am more focused on the present and future, because that's all we really have from this second forward.

Eventually, things blew up. Almost too much had been said. Her and I reconciled and come to the agreement that I should not "do anything with them for a while." I understood how she felt. I had broken many promises and ganged up (not physically) against her with others for my own feelingsl; never defending her when they might have verbally gone to far. I am not excusing it, but that was the only way I knew to handle it.

I agreed.

(What I didn't know was, "a long time", is a years-to-never time frame.)

About 2 weeks later (that blow up also included my best friend) he text messaged me saying something lightly conversational. I didn't want to completely ignore him, but I didn't want to resume things like nothing happened, so I responded courteously, but short.

This upset my fiance when she found out we had made contact. (What was hurting my fiance all along was she never felt like I defended her, not because I agree with her, but because of who she is to me.) Since I did have contact with him, not mentioning who-shouldn't-have-said-what-all-along in that short text messaging was an issue.

I explained my actions. I didn't want to completely ignore my best friend; that wouldn't have solved anything. On the other hand, I didn't want to act like there was no issue, because there was one. I felt like he and I needed to really talk about all the things that happened. But not through a text message or a phone call.

My fiance wanted it discussed the next time we communicated.
Unfortunately, I can't control him texting or calling me.

Still being my best friend, naturally he had called a few times (in about a 3 months time frame) to say "hi" or something like that. Not wanting to start a conversation that needed to be said in person, I responded the same courteous and short way back mentioning, in almost every response, I suggested we meet up.

During this time, her an I got closer and learned to communicate. Things were really doing better. While not happy about it, nor planning on hanging out or even seeing him, she even said she understood that he would always be in my life and would be ok with it.

Happy Day!

Or at least until last night.

Finally, he texted me that he wanted to meet up. And this is how our conversation went.

(My best friend speaking)
... really the issue is how it made me feel. When I hear that the person I care about (me) is hurting and upset, because of someone or thing, I'm going to be defensive and resentfull towards them (her), whomever they are. I tried ("tried" is subjective with my fiance) to be as nice as I could be. But at the end of the day, what I know is what I've seen and heard. That is how I am going to react; resentfull and angry. We aren't talking about right-way or wrong-way, should-have or should-not-have, but "can you reasonably see how and why somebody could react this way?"

And it does to me. Everybody reacts differently to situations. Whether we personally would have reacted the same way as them is irrelevant; being able to understand that it is a possible reaction is crucial. Again, not the actions, but the reasoning behind it.

This is the only absolute in my mind. And I hate it when people speak of absolutes, because so much is subjective.

If the one you care about is hurting, you will react negatively towards the thing you believe is causing the hurt.

So, here is the ultimatium. I have 2 options and I have to make a choice. Now.

1) I should not talk to my best friend, possibly ever again, (starting immediately) to keep our relationship together. This one is sacrificing what I believe in is right.

2) I should not keep our relationship together, because she is not willing to understand that I need to have my best friend in my life or even telling me we will find a way to do it, aside from me giving up everything and her offering nothing.

Any opinions or suggestions would help me greatly, thank you. :rolleyes:





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