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Relationship Health Message Board


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Each of you has been insightful and spot-on...thank you.

[QUOTE]You seem to be seeking the comfort of your own home because you see how fragile your life is...wanting to be with mom right now is a safe place where you find the strength to continue your journey away from alcoholism. You are straightening your life out while your boyfriend continues in the lifestyle that you are trying so hard to get away from[/QUOTE]

Yes, exactly. The comfort of my home, my bedroom, reminds me of being younger and unaffected, before I fell down the rabbit hole. It is very safe. Giving up drinking...it is as if I was dumped into the middle of the woods, with no protection. After years of blotting out every single emotion with alcohol, all of sudden I am feeling everything...and everything just seems so REAL. At times, it is creepy. My boyfriend was never much for drinking, but would usually have a beer each night since me and his friend were drinking. To his credit he did stop drinking for my sake. But still...his friend has not stopped, and won't any time soon. Hanging out in a room surrounded by empty beer and liquor bottles...I don't want that anymore.

[QUOTE] Not to mention, the roommate's influence on your bf can't possibly be any good. Is he comfortable living with this guy?? [/QUOTE]

I don't think my boyfriend has a problem with his friend because my boyfriend is one of those he-man types who revels in being the strong one, the capable one, the powerful one. Which was why WE got on so well before I stopped drinking. It doesn't bother him one bit if people are weaker or lazier or useless. He loves being the hero.

[QUOTE] He moves out of the current dungeon and gets a new apartment, which hopefully he will be able to keep relatively inhabitable since the messy/messed up roommate won't be living there and trashing the place anymore.[/QUOTE]

He was planning on moving this past January, when his lease was up, but somehow the idea just passed. Where he lives now is just too convenient, not to mention that all of the work that would need to go into the house...that would take a monumental effort. Plus, he pretty much carries his friend. His friend would be screwed if he was left to fend for himself.

[QUOTE]However, are you sure if this strong desire for your own space isn't a sign that you might have some major doubts about marrying your boyfriend?[/QUOTE]

Oh, certainly. And I have tried to tell him this, over and over. I told him that when it comes to settling down, I don't want to live with, or have children with, someone who uses pot. I just don't want to have that in my house, or life. I keep telling him, but he keeps on insisting it is a non-issue. It's not a non-issue to me, though. But I do love him, and we have already invested so much into this relationship. I think that in the back of my mind I am hoping we just stay this way forever - each with our separate addresses. But I know that doesn't make any sense.

[QUOTE]Also, is he just as messy as his roommate? I can't imagine him being able to tolerate it if he was the opposite in terms of tolerance to mess.[/QUOTE]

He is not that bad, and claims that the house he lived in before he and his friend moved in together was spotless. But here is the thing about my boyfriend. As much as he likes the idea of having the upper hand with people, he allows himself to be walked all over. I know that he cares a lot about his friend, and he will put up with just about anything to ensure that the people he cares about stay close to his side. I guess that is a roundabout way of manipulation. He doesn't want to lose you, so he will let you get away with anything as long as you stick around. He likes knowing that people are weaker, and somehow depend on him.

[QUOTE]And I'll be honest, if you are this close to your mother that she is the reason that you are still living at home then you are still a bit young to be getting married anyway.[/QUOTE]

Oh yes, I am definetly too young to be getting married, I am only 23. Emotionally I am much younger...I think my years of alcohol abuse have seriously stilted my emotional growth, which I am trying to work on.

Well, the thing is, I am not still living at home because I am very close to my mom. It is just a convenience thing. I have this house that I like, it has everything in it that I need, it's convenient to work and other things, and my rent is extremely cheap. I just don't see the point of moving out, when I'm fine where I am. I just meant that I don't mind seeing my mom everyday. It's like she's my roomate. I think it would be lonely having my own place. I just like having my own bedroom.

The main thing is, I feel really bad. When we started dating I was officially an alcohol abuser, and he did not realize he wasn't even getting to know the real me. I know that he is very confused now that I am sober and my personality couldn't be more different. Yet despite my boozey haze, we managed to develop a very deep connection, and I would be sad to lose him. But the truth about me is that I have always preferred to be alone most of the time. I don't want to see him every night. But there is no way he could understand that. He thinks if we go one night without seeing each other that means I hate him. I feel like I need to start getting to know myself and start working on things other than a relationship. My years of alcohol abuse really set me back...it is unfortunate to start a relationship under those conditions. But he is an all-or-nothing guy. It's a tug-of-war.

Thanks you, thank you...you guys always see the heart of a matter.





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