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OK--now seriously people, what the heck do you really expect me to do here? OK--Goody (love ya!) So.... ya got me, it IS a relationship. We have been together for 4 months now. See eachother every weekend, in btw most of the time too. We are exclusive to one another, and would consider it cheating to be with anyone else. --we both have stated that clearly. However--we do not involve my children at all, he wants to hear nothing about my past, and is almost 22 yrs old--16 years younger than me. I do not expect this will be my future husband, Mr. Right, or an equal life partner.

That being said, I am newly divorced, learning to live on my own--in every sense of it, and lived the last twelve years with an emotionally dead man--unless he was angry--his only emotion toward me in years. I had NO sex, no intimacy, and no passion for him for many of those years, and was not animally attracted to him in the first place, but thought he would be a good husband and father, and I did love him once.

I was cheated on, betrayed, and devistated--as were my children. I really almost died from it. Stopped eating, wouldn't get outta bed, the whole sha-bang. It was ugly. When I realized how dead I really was--for so many years, I decided in a BIG way that I wanted passion back in my life--that I needed it. I grabbed it like never before--passion for everything, and nothing was going to be done going thru life numb and not living it out loud, ever again.

I had a rebound relationship shorty after my separation, and had my heart broken. Kids were involved and it was horrible all around. I walled up--and dove head first into I hate men and they all suck, mode. Hung out with my kids, friends, spent time in NY with my very best friend, and licked my wounds, and fed myself. I pushed every man I met far, far away and kept my distance from liking anyone. I was NOT ever going to get hurt again. EVER!! This I knew for sure.

Then, this guy that I joked constantly about b/c he was gorgeous, hot, and young, walked into my life for the third time. This time, I couldn't take it anymore. It was a pull, A YANK really, that I had never in my life felt before. An attraction SO strong I felt posessed. I thought it would be a one night, get it outta my system thing. I couldn't get him out of my head after that. It was magic--everything I had fantasized about, and more--which was freakin me out. BUT--easy enuf, Laur...he's 21--this is not going anywhere--so get a little more---who cares?

Then, a little more became more and more, then a connection beyond the sex, laughing, great times, seeing a sweet, romantic, caring side, and becoming by far the most intense sexual relationship of my life--let's just say I discovered things about myself that I never knew existed. Imagine that at 38?

Then came some drama, some immaturity---as does when feelings get involved with a young guy especially. I knew I didn't want that, or like it and tried to put a stop to it. I do realize it now probably comes with the other stuff, and that part kinda sucks. There are always pros and cons to everything I guess. SO--I find myself in a situation...

a)gorgeous, amazingly hot, sweet guy. Poetic, articulate, passionate, and crazy for me. Looking at him takes my breath away, and when he touches me--forget about it. He's close and loving one day, and withdrawn, uncaring and lazy the next. He's immature sometimes. He responds to the negative more than the positive. He's desperate to make things right when he screws up. He's infuriating and intoxicating but most of the time knows exactly what I want like know one else has, adn wants to give it to me.

b)let all that go, b/c it's really not going anywhere. Let all that go b/c he's young and can be stupid. Be sad and miss him b/c he is amazing, yet was infuriating sometimes--but I was strong and stood my ground.

I mean, seriously. This will get old, I know that. For me or for him at some point. It has already started for me, and I can see me out growing it, but for right now, the pull is way too strong still. I just have to work on not counting on him. It's when I try to count on him that I am dissappointed. It's more about my expectaions when I get hurt, than actually what he's doing. He's doing what young guys often do, and as long as I have no unrealistic expectations, I'll be fine.

I don't think he has any unrealistic expectations and will get hurt. He's just going with the flow---minus the times where he freaks a bit when he thinks it's over. That's probably more of a winning thing, than a love thing anyway.

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