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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Girl Harley, I'm so sorry to hear that you and your son have been having a rough time. It breaks my heart to think about what your son is going through, but he is truly blessed to have a mom who loves him and who tries as hard to help him as you do. Having a wonderful, caring mom can make all the difference in the world...at least it did for me; I don't know how I could have gotten to where I am or been as happy as I have if not for my mom's tireless efforts and unconditional love. Even if your son is having a tough time expressing his appreciation for you being there and trying so hard to cheer him up, please take my word as a child who can't often vocalize my gratitude to my parents that he knows how much you love him and that you are making a hugely positive impact on him at a time when he needs you more than ever. One thing that struck me throughout this thread was how many people who took the position that being single wasn't as gratifying as being in a relationship was that often these people described being single as being alone, when in fact, I'd bet that the vast majority of happy single people have great relationships with friends and family. I think a loving family in particular can make up for just about anything and bring a stable contentment to our lives that few other things in life can match, even if it's just one family member with whom we share that special kind of bond. It's awful that your son lost his dad, but having you as a mom undoubtedly means the world to him and will always play a large part in his feeling happy with his life. I've been fortunate enough to experience intense love and immensely fulfilling relationships with romantic partners, but nothing is quite like the love I share with my mom, and nothing could ever replace it, nor the bond between my dad/grandmom/uncle/aunt and myself.

[QUOTE=GypsyArcher]You could have a point, maybe I do just need to mature. Hey, who is to say Jesus won't come back to Earth for one more miracle? But as it is, I don't see the point. It is MY life. Why would I want to spend it doing things that I don't want to do? I have a very low tolerance for discomfort or unhappiness. And that is why I do choose to spend so much time alone - I just like doing what I like doing. *shrug* I compromise to an extent, like I will spend time at my boyfriend's house, even though I hate it, but I bring a good book and magazine.

I think for some people, it is just really important to have a SO. So they are more willing to compromise and sacrifice in order to keep the other person around happy. Me, since I'm fine on my own, I'm not going to go out of my way to keep a boyfriend around. If they don't like me, then they can walk, 'cause I ain't changing anything about myself. Like Burger King, I have it my way. And it is odd too, because that attitude creates an unintentional psychological appeal. Who wants a partner who gives in to whatever they want and is easily malleable? My casual take-it-or-leave-it attitude only makes my boyfriend value me more and makes him feel he has to work harder to keep me. You know what that means - more expensive gifts ;) Also I found that it has a powerful psychologic effect. The harder a boyfriend has to work for me, the more valuable I appear. Who wants an easily malleable GF/BF who does whatever you want? The more someone acts like they can live without you, the more you want to prove them wrong. In the past,whenever I've hung on a guy and done whatever I could to please him, I ended up being tossed aside. But whenever I've acted like a guy could matter less to me, I couldn't get them to leave me alone.[/QUOTE]

Great post, GA! And while I shouldn’t even get started on the ridiculousness of religion and how destructive such myths can be, I couldn’t agree more with you about relationships (except where child-rearing is concerned, because I'm firmly convinced that one truly loving adult can raise a happier, more fulfilled child than many bigger families). In all honesty, I can’t think of anything less appealing than a guy who felt incomplete and unhappy without a relationship, nor anything less desirable than a guy who would do anything to keep me around because he dreaded being alone. I am also much happier on my own entertaining myself than I usually am around other people, so I can completely understand where you’re coming from when you talked about having a guy who pleases you or else having no trouble moving on. There really are lots of fish in the sea, and anytime people demonstrate less willingness to be stuck with partners who don’t truly make them happy, it makes me smile.


[QUOTE=Opielonghorn]but what is this based on? people you know? people on television? i don't get all these massive generalizations about society. the fact of the matter is that when people got married fifty years ago, or even 25 years ago, it was mainly to further the species and join families together for wealth or land. it would be very naive to think that they married because they were madly in love. i'm not saying that madly-in-love couples never existed, simply that when comparing the way things are now to how they were at any time in history, it's important to consider the context in which they occurred. furthermore, because divorce was considered absolutely taboo, people were unable to get out of marriages. not to mention the fact that women had no way to support themselves outside of a marriage. you take the good with the bad. while i wish that a more cohesive family unit still existed in society, i am also glad that i'm allowed to have a job and vote and get married whenever i please. the human brain hasn't changed, but people adapt to survive.[/QUOTE]

I think it’s great that people aren’t seeking something they lack in large numbers because it means they are more content with their lives as they are and less susceptible to buying into the societal myth that marriage is necessary for happiness. That lie has finally been exposed for how ludicrous it is, and fortunately, women now have other options if they want to be happy, have love and children, live comfortably, and feel complete and fulfilled in their lives. The fewer women out there who are unhappy being single and thus actively searching for “soulmates,” the more likely these women are to appeal to potential male partners, the more choices we all have in terms of paths to contentment, and the better off women as a whole are. Also, it saddens me to think that there are people out there who feel like happiness and enjoyment will always elude them unless they are in a committed relationship. But just because someone might feel this way doesn’t mean all other single people do, and I don't understand why single people who don't feel fulfilled on their own assume others are in denial when they say otherwise.

I just don’t get how it’s not a good thing that lots of people are living satisfying lives without being in romantic relationships…believe me, it’s a lot more than a Sex and the City inspired trend when women say they don’t need men, and some women really do mean this. I want to have kids and a nice house and all, but I do NOT want to get married, nor do I think I want to spend my life living with just one man. I can do this because my own mom did and has given me every material, emotional, and educational advantage I need to attain everything I want without depending on a guy to do so. There are plenty of women out there with great female role models who fought for women's rights, then went on to achieve everything they wanted, regardless of whether or not that included a committed relationship. Again, being single doesn't equal being lonely and lacking love and deep bonds with special people: I for one adore my family and friends and could easily take or leave a relationship. I think there are plenty of women like me out there who are actually happier without one committed partner because we prefer to enjoy the charms of a variety of men without obligations, as are lots of men, which I don't believe is a bad thing unless one chooses to see anything but lifetime partnerships as somehow unfulfilling.

While some people assume that no relationship=alone in the world and lacking meaningful interaction with the opposite sex, other people are genuinely happier being single because they get the good stuff about a relationship (sex, dates, romance) from a lot of different people rather than having to restrict themselves to one person. No matter what people may say, there are plenty of people out there who view the latter option as an unpleasant alternative to being free and single. And just because some people don’t agree with this and feel empty without marriage or a life partner doesn’t mean these people who like being single are deluded/confused, that their priorities are wrong, that they are in denial, or that they just don’t realize that “life is better with a partner,” because such a value-laden, subjective (and in many people’s opinions, patently untrue) idea can never be accurately ascribed to a universal public. I agree with Rosequartz that it’s really difficult to understand why people are so opposed to the idea that you can be single and happy—even if one doesn't agree, wouldn’t they want to hold out hope that their life can be wonderful if they don’t find a partner or end up losing the one they love?





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