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Hi raaar.
I, myself, am going through similar stuff. Actually, the psychologist I'm seeing told me I need to stop blaming myself and being hard on myself for anything I am doing, and even DID in my relationship with my ex (I keep looking back lately and think that I drove him to break up with me- its horrible). I am so frightened that I am not going to get over him, despite how horrible he was to me at the end, that I have een trying to force myself not to think of him, talk about him, etc etc. My problem is that I just want answers to it all, and I have to realize that I will never get them. It makes no sense what happened, and I feel the need to find out or obtain justice or something like that, and it frustrates me that 1) I'M feeling the way I am while he has clearly moved on in some form, and 2) he feels great and is happy and will get away with treating me the way he did. Its enfuriating.
Last night I went out with my girlfriends and had a great time, but its almost like it is bittersweet. I came back home, and it was 4 am and I just started crying and talking about him. First time Ive cried over him in...3 weeks?
Ive been told by the psych. that I need to just ride out my feelings. I need to just let my low moments happen and not get so upset that I'm NOT moving on. I can't bottle it up like Ive been trying to do in hopes of expediting the process. She said its all a long process, its a loss, and that we will have our lows and our highs. That, if anything, it shows improvement because each low is a little better than the previous one.
I think Im not stuck on HIM as much as Im still stuck on the betrayal and feeling replaced. My friends last night made a good point- I don't know the purpose of this new girl. Maybe she is just a rebound. Maybe shes just a 'friend wtih benefits'. Maybe hes in love with her. Who knows? I keep torturing myself with all these questions, and I think about him all the time, but its wierd, because I dont think about the person he is, I think of the person I knew him as. And that person doesnt exist anymore. So, in a way, I think these lows we have are us mourning the loss of that person who once existed, who we trusted so much. And in that sense, what we're feeling is totally normal.
Im also still really angry that my self-confidence is shaken so much from this, and that I hate feeling that way. I was so confident and content in life with him, and am generally a confident person in general, so Im extremely resentful that a person could make me feel this way when i didnt deserve any of it at all. I hate sounding like a 6 year-old, but its so ridiculously unfair.
I hope this helps- I dont have much advice for you as I am going through the same thing. The only thing I can think of is just to pamper yourself, fill your time up with positive activities (which you've been doing :)) and try to just build yourself up as a person. It makes me angry that I am seemingly this insigificant to him, and he is so significant to me and in my thoughts all the time, so maybe we just need to keep telling ourselves that we shouldn't let a person like this consum us and bring us down. Theyre not worth it. Easier said than done, right? We'll get there...





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