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[QUOTE=soulster]Maybe its really just you who doesnt think they deserve respect and pride at the end of it all... because when someone who really feels they deserve pride and respect gets trampled on because of it, they trample on the person who feels this way and not on themselves, if that makes any sense. It really all starts with you, believe it or not, and until you dont whole heardelty feel you deserve it, no one else will.... it is just as simple as that. There is a part of you that feels you do deserve it, and then there is this part of you that feels that you dont and the responses you get from others in regard to this just reconfirms what a part of you already feels, not negates what you wholely feel- if it didnt you wouldnt let what others say take your self worth away as many others who wholey belive they deserve respect and pride dont...[/QUOTE]

Well, IF I understand what you're saying...thsi is why I think my situation is so unique. I firmly, firmly believe, and always will believe, no matter what anyone says, that no man is an island unto himself. No one does it all alone. I think there are plenty of people who love to pat themselves on the back and believe they got through life, hardships, whatever, all by themselves, but everyone who is strong, confident, well-adjusted and secure had someone, a parent, sibling, friend, teacher, coach, neighbor, someone somewhere in their past that taught them how. No one does it alone. I could easily let disrespectful, unkind words or deeds of a few people here and there slide off my back if I had a solid support system of a few good friends, strong family members who loved me unconditionally, to rely on, like everyone who has that kind of pride and self respect have. But when practically everyone I meet, and I have to take on the whole world all by myself? That's simply asking too much.

I don't think I really "deserve" disrespect, but it's what I've come to expect from people. I've learned that at their essence, most people are basically self-serving, greedy, disrespectful, violent and selfish. But the catch 22 is that all people need other people to really be healthy, fulfilled and happy, myself included, and that's where my dilemma lies. I don't believe I deserved to get punched in the face by some strange boy who didn't even know me, or the countless other times I was beaten up, any more than I believed I deserved to be yelled at and spoken to with such disrespect by the mutual friend. But when that happens, you have two choices, and only two cut and dried choices: take it, or kick that person out of your life. I just don't understand why it has to be that way. There isn't one tiny little piece of me that believes I deserved to be treated that way, and I told him so. I stood up for myself, he just didn't care. He is who he is, and he will always be who he is, and he will always see me the way he chooses. I have no control over that. I don't buy into that "you teach people how to treat you" nonsense. I mean let's get real. Take an extreme example. Those Texas bubbas didn't beat up Jim Byrd, tie him to a trailer hitch and drag him to death because they "sensed" that Jim Byrd felt he deserved it. They did it because they were racists, hate-filled, mean sons of bi***es and they felt like it. I didn't teach him that it's ok to talk to me like that, he decided. But he made it clear that he will never change, and I know he will view me however he chooses, no matter how I present myself. So my only alternative is to break off contact with him, which I have done pretty much. I just get frustrated because any time I come close to achieving any sort of real emotional intimacy with someone, it always comes down to that choice. No working it out, no talking, no amount of confidence or what I believe I deserve seems to make a difference. I always end up having to take crap, or, for my sanity and self esteem, having to kick them out of my life. It just gets frustrating. And even if what you say is true, and I do think it is to a certain degree, what really does that say about the human race? If you show any sort of weakness or vunerability, other humans will pounce on it like hyenas on a gizelle? What kind of statement does that make for the supposedly "civilized" oh so highly evolved human race? I've never been that kind of person. I was always the one in school who would befriend the "loser" kids everyone else picked on and was mean to, and they were perfectly nice people. Why go out of your way to stomp on someone who is just being who they are and not causing anyone any harm? What's wrong with treating someone with respect, not because they are filled with an air of pride and confidence, and oh if I push them, they'll push back and I don't think I want to be pushed by them, but just because they are a fellow human being? I have really serious doubts I will ever understand or ever really fit in with other humans. Not that it really matters now anyway. I've already lost for good the only man I ever met that I cared a hoot about. Every man I've met before and since him has sucked in one way or another, so I guess it's just as well. I've been told on more than one occassion that I'm "vunerable" or "an easy target." I truly don't believe that somewhere in my psyche I believe I deserve it. If I thought I deserved it on any level, I really don't think it would bother me so much. I just don't have any defense mechanisms. I just always find myself wondering "why is this person doing this??? Why do I have to fight back when there is no good reason why this person is attacking me or doing this in the first place?? I didn't do anything to them!! I can't believe they are doing this to me!!" That's all that seems to go through my head. Plus the fear of getting hurt even more, like getting punched. It really hurts to get beat up. I don't know if you've ever experienced it, but to have someone hit you on the soft part of the side of your head, or have them cold cock you right on just the right spot on your jaw that rattles your whole head and knocks you flat on your bum so you can't chew and have a headache for days, but it really really hurts, and anyone, anywhere, at any time, can haul off and hurt you like that if you say or do something they don't like. I don't like getting punched out, so I tend to try to avoid it.





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