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Hey guys - thanks for the additional input. I wish I wasn't so dense when it comes to men. I've so little experience with them, I feel like no matter what I decide to do, it's always wrong.

charlatans, I'm 40, I'll be 41 actually in a couple of weeks. Yup, 41 and only one guy in my whole life that could have ever even passed for a boyfriend of sorts. And one feeble FWB that I messed with a couple of times. Any wonder now why I'm ready to just give up?

Crimson, I take it you're about 5, 6, 7 years younger than me? Don't give up just yet! Didn't mean to make you cry, but hang inthere. Anyway, this is what confuses me the most, which, as aggravating as this board can be at times, I am glad to have you all as a sounding board because I feel like my reality is so bizzare, so unbelievable that I just don't know how to deal with it. Like the guy I told you guys about before, I called him Phil, this guy I met at an open mike, and he liked my voice and said he had recording equipment he needed to use and get familiar with and he'd be glad to record some demos with me. We exchanged a few emails about it, met for dinner, he said to discuss how many tracks, arrangement, what instruments would be used, etc. I brought a note pad, but he ended up not talking at all about it. I think he thought it was more of a date, he just didn't tell me. Anyway, we worked together for 7 months, he and his buddy, on my understanding that we were working up songs the three of us could play and be a trio, but rehearsals always turned into pizza/beer bull and jam sessions, and 7 months later, we still only knew 3 songs together. I gave him tapes with songs I knew, he never learned them. I asked for cds or tapes of songs they knew, he was always too busy to dig them out for me. He knew Elton John's Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me, and I know it too, so I thought hey one more song, but he only played the second half then went into Rocket Man. I said well, the second half is the same as the first half, if you can play one half, you can play the other, I mean it's intro, verse, chorus, (the first half,) interlude (same as intro) verser chorus, chorus, coda (same as intro and interlude expect the last three bars) how hard is that?? He said "well, that's how I play it, just the first half then into Rocket Man." What the??? 7 months later, the two of them got a gig and of course, since they didn't know enough songs with me, would I like to come and play the three songs I knew with them, maybe fill in here and there with my solo stuff, make them look good, be the only one not getting paid, of course. That's when I ended the association with him. This was 2 years after I had any contact with the ex, or any of his crowd. Then through some weird circumstances, I got back in contact with the mutual friend then he became a FWB of sorts for a while, and as unluck would have it, shortly after I was back in contact with him, he moved, and became roommates with Phil!! Phil seemed to have forgotten pretty much everything that had taken place except his attraction for me, which I knew of, but had always been clear with him it was platonic and musical association only. And the mutual friend and I had a huge, big blow out fight over it. Kept harping on me about why don't I go out with Phil, he's crazy about you, he's such a great guy, so I told him a story about the Snapple, for those who remember, that didn't show him in such a great light, and he blew up at me, yelling and shouting at me for bad mouthing his friend "in front of my crew" and how he's treated me like a queen and if Iwasn't interested, why did I go out to dinner with him and continue to associate with him before, and blah blah blah. I thought if you tell a man "we're just friends" even if you know he's attracted to you, then if you continue to talk, associate, hang out, whatever, you're not leading him on as long as you don't flirt with him, kiss him, whatever. But I guess I'm wrong?? Why else would my "friend' have gotten so furious with me? I always felt like I was the one who got screwed in the whole Phil situation before, and it seems I was the ice princess who took and took and used and never gave back, etc. I just don't know. It's just so stressful for me. Just living through each day is so stressful for me. I'm scared and nervous all the time, and never really feel comfortable or good in my own skin. No matter what I do, it's always the wrong thing. What I'd really love is to just meet the one man I'm supposed to be with and fall madly in love, get married and live happily ever after (not asking TOO much, am I?? :D ), I guess that's why it hurt so bad to lose the ex. I thought that's what I had finally found. Cut through all the crap, all the lies, the nonsense, the nightmare first dates, all the "I think we should just be friends" speeches, given and received, and just found the one for me. Wrong again. Anyway, I guess I just need to make myself happy and never mind what anyone else thinks. I had a few moments of doubt, that maybe I'm not giving work guy a chance and maybe I'm making a mistake by not pursuing this, maybe it could turn into a good relationship, but I've spent enough time with him to know if there could really be anything between us. I really believe I would have felt it by now. I felt it with the ex the instant we met, and I wasn't even really that attracted to him at first, but for some reason I couldnt' stop thinking about him, like getting hit by lightening but not knowing what it was that hit you or why or where it came from.

*sigh* I don't know, maybe I should just hole myself up in an abby or convent somewhere, I think I'm a hopeless case! I feel like there's a rules for mortal life on earth rule book, and everyone got a copy at birth except me.





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