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Relationship Health Message Board

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my fianse is going through some hard times. He has been diagnosed with Hep C and has to start a treatment due to high viral count. We had to move out because the only way he can have the treatment is through state insurance which means no job and I am in college

He is dealing with more. He just got his kid back in full custody because his ex got caught with dope and is having to deal with everyone in his family trying to run the childs life and get in his business, and now had to move in with them. He is 25 and his mother treats him like a 14 year old

I feel very sorry for all the horrible things he is going through, however, he has been pulling some very weird stunts. His mother called and said he'd gone to Colorado. He didn't call for 4 days I thought he was dead. Come to find out, he never left but had plotted to make it look like hed left so he could spend the weeekend playing with his friends. I was so hurt by this, having lost a best friend two years ago to a horrific car crash this was a horrible rehash of those memories. He feels so bad about it and I find that I don't want to get mad at him because of all he has to do deal with

I have indemetriousis, which makes sex horrificly painfull for me to the point that I am in tears. He has come to me and said this is a problem he needs sex or wants it from somebody else. I told him he could have sex with somebody else before but when we got together originally I told him it was under the condition that I couldn't have much sex. He said this was fine.

He currently lives with his mother and doesnt even have his own room. He has a bed in the middle of the living room that he sleeps on. This is a 3 bedroom house with 4 adults and 2 children living here. Whenever I want to see him, I will cry over the phone often telling him I miss him, and his only response is "you have a car." I have college every day, and on top of his really weird uncle (who tells me has had sex with all of his brothers and sisters) starring at me all night, they all blare their alarms at 6 am and sleep with the lights on so I can't have sleep. He doesn't like to leave home to see me but always wants me there.

I dont understand how to make things easier for him by no getting mad at him, but at the same time not get walked all over. I love this man tremendously, more than myself, and am willing to sacrifice for his health and until he gets out of this rough spot
Sweetie ~ You need to look at all of this and see that YOU ARE being walked on BIG time!!! You are only a college student with your entire life ahead of you...look at this picture!!!! Nobody should be willing to love somebody so much to forget about their overall well being. :nono:

I hope that when it comes to his Hep C that you are taking all precautions possible to insure that you do not acquire the condition yourself since it can be transmitted sexually. With that being said I also would like to point out the unhealthiness of this relationship where I see one person's needs being met (and I just say in a rather selfish and self absorbed kind of way) and the other not. He is getting his needs met sexually, emotionally, and physically by you and others in his life but what about YOU!!! What does he contribute to this relationship to make you feel special or to address your needs whether they be emotional, physical, or sexual???? Is his going out and getting sex from others supportive of your medical condition??? We all know that there are other ways that you both can be sexually satisfied without that having to be a factor.

All in all I see a man who is taking advantage of his medical condition to prey upon somebody who genuinely cares for somebody who doesn't give a hoot about his life or anybody elses.

Think about it...he has Hep C and an ex who is on dope....Hep C comes from sharing needles or blood transfusions and can be sexually transmitted as well. Your BF disappears for 4 days without even calling and says it was so he could "play with his friends"!!! Add it all up and this spells [B]trouble[/B] and I would stay as far away from it as possible.

PLEASE, care about is obvious that your BF doesn't. You are too young to waste you life on something or somebody that is going nowhere but downhill. I know you care about him but it is time to care about yourself more.

Sending you lots of (((HUGS))) ~ Goody :angel:
i couldnt agree anymore with goody.
youre still so young, you dont need this in your life. but youre in love and itll be difficult for you to see sense, but try to see it now rather than later. read over your post- what would you advise a friend if she had written that? hun, i think youre only going to get hurt. its time to start loving yourself and put yourself first- and not this man who really doesnt seem to care. its going to be tough but itll only get tougher if you stick around...
Goody and Charlatans already nailed it but I want to add my observations. If you're willing to sacrifice for his health until he gets out of the "rough spot", be prepared to sacrifice indefinitely. It's not a "rough spot". It's serious character flaws. His lifestyle is [I]not [/I]normal by any stretch of the imagination. His family sounds dysfunctional and from what I'm reading, he is obviously dysfunctional as well.

You say this guy is your fiance? Try to imagine your life, being married to a guy who's 25 (going on 14), lives with his kooky family, already has two children, has a drug using ex who will eventually get out of jail, a perverted uncle who may or may not be a child molester, makes up a story to "play with friends", won't visit you, expects [I]you [/I]to take all the initiative, and finally, wants to have sex w/ someone else because after all, why should he sacrifice anything for you? He knows you're willing to do all the sacrificing and he doesn't have to contribute anything at all to the relationship. Remember, when you marry the man, you marry into the family. His dysfunctional family and all his behavioral problems become yours.

I hope you'll stay in college and make a future for yourself because there is no "good" future with this guy. Work on building up your self-worth and surround yourself with positive people. Being willing to settle for such a one-sided, selfish relationship will only drag you deeper into the mire he calls his life and eventually cause you to lose all self-esteem. Please don't minimize your own worth for him or anyone.
I have to tell you, I'm going through the most painful thing I can ever remember in my life right now, because I was wasn't willing to sacrifice myself and be a doormat anymore. But you know what...even though right now I want to die, some part of me knows this is what had to happen...for myself, and for him. Because eventual one of two things is going to happen. You'll either spend years and years playing to him and eventual realize you need to change, maybe by then with bigger consequences, or you'll eventually resign yourself to being his doormat, and lose yourself. And when that happens, you won't be the one he fell in love with anymore, and you'll hurt him too. It's gonna be really hard, and he's gonna say all kinds of things that will make it seem like it's going to be better, but it's NOT. Those are just defense mechanisms to try and ease the pain right now. He needs to be away from you for a while to get his priorities straight, and you need to think about what you really want. Believe me, it hurts and it's awful...but it will get better, and it may change your life for the better. Lay it on the line...somethings going to change, or you're going to be gone.
how can I do it though? Every week I tell myself, I'm not going to call him I'm not going to see him, I'll let him come to me, but then I always call him. How do I keep myself from him? He is the love of my life and I can't stand it. What can I do keep myself from calling him?
you know this is what you should be doing- i think youve accepted this is what you need to do and is what you want to do- now youre asking us how to do it. well done girl. maybe start to realsie he isnt the love of your life otherwise you wouldnt be asking us how to leave him. its going to be so hard but its better youre doing it now and preventing yourself from even more hurt. well done chick.
how to do it? youve got to be brave and youve got to stick to the decision- no going back. he is going to come after you, he'll ask for youback and this may seem great to you, you may think he'll change this time- but he wont.
youve got to do it when you feel ready to do it otherwise youll end up going back...
you will be happier after doing this but it will take time, effort and patience but youll get there.
no I dont want to leave him. I just want to stop coming to him all the time so he can actually come to me. I just dont know how to pass my time to keep from wanting to be with him.
How do you do it???? You put your chin up and say to yourself...."I give 100% and I deserve 100%". And you keep on saying it until you believe it!! are going to be just wait and see. ;) You have it pretty easy in the sense that you are in college and have your own place, you have your studies and friends there to keep you busy and distracted....the hardest part will be to come to the realization that you are better off without him and that today is the first day of the rest of your life!!

And remember.....there are lots of us here who will hold you up when you're falling down along the way!!!

(((HUGS))) of courage ~ Goody :angel:
well, the only way is to stop contacting him. if he really loves you and cares for you, he'll come to you. put this to the test...start tomorrow...dont call him again...lets see

we're here for you, ok? we want whats best for you and i think most people here think that the best thing to do is to leave this guy...but what is most important is what you want to do and we'll support you...
Exactly. You know how much you love him, now how about finding out how much he loves you? Just as an objective third party, I really don't like what I'm hearing about his saying he needs sex and will look elsewhere for it if you don't give it to his despite the pain, and about his having his mother lie for him and telling you he's out of state so he can ditch you for a few days and do his own thing. Despite what ever issues he's dealing with right now, he's still treating you pretty lousy. You said you love him more than you love yourself. That's the main problem. You can never have a healthy relationship when you lose yourself. Because then there's nothing left of you for him to love, only a doormat lackie who lets him push you around, and no one can respect or really love someone like that. If you refuse to leave him, then you must let him know you love him, will be there for him, but only if he straightens up and treats you right. And let him come to you. Let him be the one to call you. You'll find out just how much he misses you and wants you around by how long he goes without calling you.
Hi, I understand your love for him is very deep and you feel he is "the love of your life," but ask yourself, Would the love of your life cheat on you? Lie to you? Hurt you over and over? You think he can change with time, because the two of you share a deep connection, but what if he doesn't?
Consider that instead of being the love of your life, he was meant to be your love for a time, but not forever. I know you're not ready to leave the relationship, but think about it.
I was in a relationship I thought was the "love of my life," and yes, it was very very very difficult to accept I was better off out of the relationship, but now, I thank God I am no longer feeling unloved and used and ignored everyday. I even feel love for someone new, a love I feel could be so much more mature and lasting!
How do you avoid calling him? Take his number out of your cell phone if it's programmed in, put a little note on your phone reminding you not to call him. Buy yourself some books to read or rent some movies. Join a gym and go work out, to distract yourself. Take yourself out (coffee, movie, walk, etc.) Make plans with friends or family. Take up a new hobby, like cooking or painting or writing.
You also need to think about your health. There is NO CURE for Hepatitis C, and that means you can never be impregnanted by this guy, or you risk catching the virus. If you want to have children someday, what is your plan, considering that unprotected sex with him will probably give you the virus? Depending on the viral strain, it can damage your liver quickly. And all it would take is one mishap with condoms, and you have this disease, too.
I'm not trying to minimize your love for him. I know how you feel. But please think about these things, and if you feel you want to discuss it more or need more advice, post again.
Good god, Honey, what are you waiting for, to have a chicken and goat move into your living room? I mean, LOOK AT HOW THESE PEOPLE LIVE, and LOOK AT HOW HE TREATS YOU. You do know you can get Hepetitis C from him don't you? You do know there is no cure and it can be fatal, right? So, let me get this straight. You've got a boyfriend with a potentially deadly social disease, living with his parents, then disappearing for days (doing god knows about a bit of what got him Hep C in the first place????), nagging you from sex (which, call me crazy, I doubt he even makes mention of how to protect YOU from Hep C during the request, now, does he??? No, of course, not, then YOU get the honer and privilege of staying with this prince among men IF and probably only if you allow him to mess around with another girl (nevermind about the Hep C there. It's already all in the family. Why be responsible and tell this girl about it?) as long as you don't have to do too much sex because this PEACH you found can't wait for you to get treatment for endometreosis, so that YOU could enjoy (safe) sex? Have I got this right? Because if I do, well isn't he just Prince Charming? Won't your Mom be proud? Won't it be great to get your two families together for joint funerals because both your livers gave out at the same time? I don't mean to sound mean, but if it's getting through to you at all, I'll keep going. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF? Don't you know you deserve better??????
Ditto to what tigerlillyrose said. But I think unfortunately if you cannot already see how messed up and hideous your boyfriend and this whole situation is, then I doubt anyone is truly going to be able to get through to you. You are settling way, way, WAY below what anyone ever deserves, and I only hope that someday you will be able to see that.
aww hun please dont be hurt by our comments, we really do understand your situation and are only trying to help...i know it hurts reading these posts but these are truths and you must accept...its going go take time for you to realise all this deep down but hopefully youll see it soon enough before more hurt is caused- and trust me, if this continues, a lot more hurt will be caused and youll regret not seeing this sooner and getting the hell deserve so much better, please dont run yourself into the ground for this, its so not worth day youll realise youll be better off without this man, i just hope it sooner rather than later...
[QUOTE=GypsyArcher]Ditto to what tigerlillyrose said. But I think unfortunately if you cannot already see how messed up and hideous your boyfriend and this whole situation is, then I doubt anyone is truly going to be able to get through to you. You are settling way, way, WAY below what anyone ever deserves, and I only hope that someday you will be able to see that.[/QUOTE]

Yes, this is so true! PLEASE, think of your own well-being first. Love is blind, and I think you are very young, but when this relationship is over (which it will be, sooner or later because this guy is obviously not a good partner), and you are left alone, possibly with Hep C too, you will feel INCREDIBLY foolish for making such sacrifices for someone who didin't even deserve it in the least! Honey, this is NOT a joke: you can acquire a serious, incurable disease if you stay in this situation, not just a broken heart. You are smart, a college student, and have your whole life ahead of you. PLEASE don't ruin it over someone who is NOT WORTH IT. Please go and get tested for all STDs, I'm not joking. If this guy actually said he was going to get sex from someone else, I wouldn't be surprised if he was doing it. Take care and be smart.

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