It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....

Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

[B]Cliff Notes at bottem of page[/B] :wave:

My wife got a job a few months back, after staying home with our 2 year old for a year.First couple weeks were fine with her working.Then she starts working overtime to try and save up for are next house.I look at her paycheck stubs and they were all around 30-35 hours.I asked whats the deal with your checks.She tells me the temp agency shes going through has been messing up on alot of peoples checks. I told her she needed to fix have them fix her hours, she never got it done.

She started coming home a bit to late and I could tell she had been drinking a little.She says she went and hung out with her friends after work.A couple weeks go by and she kept coming home late.It iced over and she was stuck out there by her work and she was going to spend the night with her friend which has 2 kids of her own.Thats fine she works 40 miles from home and it really was iced over.

One night I got tired of it and told her maybe she should go stay with her mom for a little bit and clear her head since she would rather hang out with freinds after work then come home to her family.We both agreed of good terms and we wernt actually splitting up just getting some space.

A week goes by and she calls me and tells me that she worked 14 hours and she was going to spend the night with her friend because she would have to get up in a fews hours and go back to work anyways.I told her, you need to come home, Ill come pick you up if your to tired but your not staying out all night.Well she didnt take it very well and gets mad and starts calling me controlling .I asked her where she was and she said an intersection.I told her Im coming to get her and bring her home.She said yeah theres like 100+ apartments on the road I told you we were on.I told her I have my instincs and Ill find you.So I take off and stupid me Im already drunk by this point and still drinking doing 80 mph down the hwy.(I know I know).I get about 10 miles from the exit she said she was at and what do you know theres her fking car.I get behind her and theres a guy in the back seat and someone driving.They figure out its me and lead me to the police station where 7+ patrol cars block me in and start questioning me.I kept my cool and explained what was going on and they let me go.Luckly they didnt smell the alcohal.

So basically we talked that next morning and and she explained everything to me.It turns out that she has a friend at work which is a guy and he a pothead.He has a girlfreind and basically for the past few weeks my wifes been taking off of work early and going and hangin out with them and getting high all day.I checked the bank statements and it shows her buying buffalo wings every other day.(munchey food).She had also been carpooling with this guy everyday.And it shows it on the cell phone call log that she would call him every morning and talk for 1-2 minutes and then call him around 8:00-9:00 PM the same day.

So were back together and I ask her if shes had her peroid this month.She told me no but Im about to start.Well another week goes by and she still hasnt started.Im getting nervous and I check the bank statements and there a reciept for a preganancy test that she bought 3 day before.She said nothing about the test results to me.I check what transactions had been made over $100..Theres one for $350. withdraw.I call her sister and ask her if she knows anything about it.She says no but I know she went to the doctor today.Ding Ding Ding.Abortion.I know it.I ask her about it when she gets home and she denies the abortion thing and says she went to the obgyn (I thinkl thats what it is).I asked for the reciept.She doesnt have it.I eventually force it out of her.She told me she was scared to tell me and she didnt think I would want another child.I told her I dont really but if happens it happens Ill love it like my other two.You dont keep something like that from me!

I check her sisters call log on her cell phone and it shows her calling this guy she works with 2 hours after hse buys the pregnancy test.I said why would you call him after taking the pregnancy test?She called him becasue she left her coat in his truck from carpooling with him.

So I accuse her of cheating on me.Shes sticking to NO I didnt.I said prove it with a lie detector test.She tells me I have to take her word for it and that the lie dectector thing is stupid.

[B]CLIFF NOTES:[/B][B]I think my wife cheated on me and I want her to take a polygrapgh test and she refuses.Am I being insecure and just jumping to conclusions or did she she on me?Would you take a lie dectector test if you knew you were innocent and you knew your spouse was hurting from wondering about it?[/B]
If it walks like a duck...quacks like a duck...looks like a know the saying! Don't think that "lie detector test" will be necessary!
I know what your sayin.Im giving her the benefit of the doubt.

I mean shes is outgoing and has always like to hang out so its nothing really new.She is scared to tell me things because she says I take them the wrong way but I still feel like something isnt right here.

Anyone else?
Don't bother asking her to take a lie detector. You have ample evidence that she's cheating.
Agreed - no lie detector needed.
I just wanted the test for peace of mind and closure on the subject.Instead of wondering my brain crazy.
Wow, that's messed up. Even if the two of you are having other marital problems, I can't figure out why she wouldn't want to come home to be with her children. I think a marriage counselor would be of more benefit that a polygraph test. She's already proven to you that she's quite capable of lies and deception and I don't think a polygraph will tell you anything you don't already know in your heart.
She lied about her non-existent overtime hours, lied about the temp agency messing up her paychecks, lied about what she's been doing after work, lied about the abortion, lied about her reason for not telling you, and she most likely lied about why she called her male friend two hours after the abortion.
She's headed down a slippery slope, and she needs to put the brakes on it or she's going to wind up losing you, her child, end up in jail, or all three. If she won't agree to go to counseling with you, then go by yourself anyway. At least you can get something out of it. She has to want to fix what's broken.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and sorry for the children too. It's awful to see someone willing to throw everything away like that. Does she have any family that might be willing to intervene on your behalf?
she's not going to submit to a lie-detector test, but you could always get a private investigator to tail her......
[QUOTE=SoFarSoGood]I just wanted the test for peace of mind and closure on the subject.Instead of wondering my brain crazy.[/QUOTE]
I don't think the lie detector test will really give you peace of mind.

If it comes back she lied - you will have to face everything she has done. There will be nothing peaceful of accepting that.
If it comes back she didn't - I really doubt you'd be convinced, and even if you were, you'd always be looking out for something else.

The trust is already gone, and no lie detector test is going to solve that problem. As it was said - counselor would help you more than a lie detector could.
Shes all here now.Shes really sweet like before and swears it was her just being imature and not thinking clearly.Now the tables have turned and Im moaping around and upset all the time.I told her Im going to end up driving her away because the thought of you lieing about cheating is making me crazy.

I agree with the marriage counsler.In fact I just called a couple about an hour ago.

Im by no means a saint in our relationship.I havent cheated or anything but weve been together for 11 years and Ive had anger issues.Theres alot to be told about our relationship and lifes and why there not like others peoples.We really missed out on our childhood.We got married very young because I had gotten her pregnant and I made the stand and married her hoping to raise my family like normal.

About the P.I.Well its over if there was anything.I mean he doesnt work there anymore and my wife comes home on time and everything.Were living with her mom for the time being saving up to move out.I just dont know if I want to go through with everything with the possablitly of her cheating on me last month.I love her more than life, but Im sick of the games.
Ok well there something I didnt say.She did cheat on me last year.I knew it, she admited to it and I got arrested twice thrown in a mental hospital, lost my good paying job, lost the house cars all within a month.I got over it and forgave her.

I am a bit paranoid when it comes to what shes doing. or who shes talking to.It took a little over 6 months to stop crying and beating myself up about it.

The trust is there but its hangin by a thread.She tells me to take her word.Well her word has been used and lied over and over gain.Its not really easy to take her word for it.
Dude, I can understand the desire to make things work but is it going to take an explosion to go off in your head to see she if full of crap? I read the first few sentences of your first post and already knew she was a liar. Its sad but I have become good at seeing the common themes when people are lying. You either need to decide you are ok with her going behind your back and lying or you need to get away. That is no enviroment for a child to grow up in.
I agree. Telling you to take her word for it isn't enough. You both need to be in counseling to work through all the issues if you intend to try to make this marriage work. You admit you have anger issues, and she's cheated before. The two of you, no matter how much you may love each other, can't deal with this problem on your own. You need the help of a professional who can teach you what you didn't learn while growing up. How to manage your anger and the way the two of you handle conflict, and for your wife, how to gain control of her impulses. And that's just the beginning. The two of you will have to learn communication skills (and it [I]is [/I]a skill). I'm so glad you decided to make the call. You two have a very dysfunctional relationship right now, but a good counselor can help you learn how to turn that around.
She agreed to go to counseling.Shes so tired of me bringing it up.She real depressed because of the abortion and her being a bad mom.I keep stressing the lie dectector test issue and all it does is have us end up in a fight.

Honestly I know everything points towards her cheating, but is it possible she didnt?I just dont want to leave her over her smoking weed and being imature.I know she had an abortion and Im more sad then mad over that.

A couple weeks ago I did something really wrong.I told her I cheated on her six months ago when I went out of town for a week.Now everyone knows how loyal I am and Im completey against cheating.So she didnt beleive me at first and then I started making details up and she beleived it.I was going to come clean that night but it had snowballed so big I didnt know how.I let it ride for two days.She was going through hell like I did the year before.I felt bad but then I thought if she did cheat on me last month this would surely make it come out.We talked about alot of issues because it was such a come clean moment for those two days and she stuck with that she didnt cheat on me and that it was my baby she was pregant with.I told her the truth and it took about 3 hours and a 12-pack for her to realize I really didnt cheat on her.

Theres so many reasons why I think she did cheat but theres apart of me that feels like it was just her being stupid.
Believe you me...wild horses aren't going to drag out of her that she had an affair! So you may as well either leave her or stop trying to drag it out of her and try to make the marriage work. Come to terms with she had an affair because she probably did and knows if she tells you, you're outta there! Unless you had proof, she's not going to admit to anything!
you gusy both need some serious counseling.... her for her deceipt and lies and you for your obvious aggression and anger. If she is out all night playing aroudn and partying and doing things she shouldnt be and then you go find her and get arrested for fighting or whatever.... that is no envireonment for children to grow up on. Truthfully i feel bad it has worked out this way for bouth of you... bu ti think you both need to sit down and think about what is important here..... her lies and cheating.... your anger and jailtime....

or your children.... that shoudl be enough right there to slow it down and do something about what si going on whatever it may be.

Sorry to say it how i did but i know no other way m8,

You dont think she would of spilt it when she thought I had cheated on her?It seems like she would of thrown anything she could at me to hurt me when she was feeling pain.

Im hoping that she will open up to a counsler.I feel like the only thing thats going to prove that she didnt would be a polygragh.But she wont take one.
I'm sorry but I would never take a lie detector test for anyone.

If it takes a lie detector test to solve a problem in a relationship, in my opinion, it's a relationship that will never be worth being in.
This isn't what relationships are about.
She's cheating. Walk away.....No....RUN
You thought that telling her that you cheated was going to make her spill it? NO way! The only thing that's going to make her spill it is if you have black and white evidence and there's no other choice but to spill it. You may as well just get that lie detector test notion out of your head!
When she admitted to you last year that she cheated on you, you obviously went balistic, since you were arrested twice and thrown into a mental hospital, and lost your job and everything else. Think about it. Is she going to tell you she cheated again? No way! Until a person truly realizes that their behavior is destructive and has a strong desire, with concious effert, to change that behavior, the behavior will remain. You might as well "assume" from both past and current evidence that she did cheat and stop obsessing over a polygraph. If you decide that you can't live with her having cheated a second time, get out of the marriage. Otherwise you're obsession over "knowing" will make your life miserable, and worst of all, mess up your children's lives.

Either accept it and move forward with the counseling, or let her go. Keep up with the lie detector demands and you're just tormenting yourself over it until you wind up in the same place as before-jail or a mental hospital. I assure you, all this mess will have a detrimental effect on your children. Two parents who don't have adult control of their impulses and emotions is a terribly stressful for children. They need security. They don't have that right now, and without it they can become fearful of everything. If it continues, they'll emulate the same behavior, either with lashing out in anger or with compulsive lying, or both. I know you want a better life for them, so the counseling is a good first step. Even if you can't or don't want to save this marriage, you and the children will be better off with you getting counseling. So if mom turns out to be a hopeless flake who won't be helped, they'll still have a dad they can feel safe and secure with.
Sorry but her actions already tell you what you need to know. She has lied about so much that I am sure you will be unable to believe anything she says again. Why do people have to screw things up is beyond me.
[QUOTE=keepsgoin]If it walks like a duck...quacks like a duck...looks like a know the saying! Don't think that "lie detector test" will be necessary![/QUOTE]

Quack, quack.
Well we went to the counseling last night.We started telling our live story up until now.Everything was fine until some sore subjects came up and my wife starts crying and my temper raises just by talking about our past.

She thinks I have a medical depression which I kinda already knew about just never got treated correctly.When I brought up the lie dectector test and why I wanted it, she said its a shameful thing to do.I guess I just look at it differently then some people.I mean I would take one anyday if someone I cared about asked me to.The counsler said that beleives that my wife didnt cheat last month, but then turned around and said if you cant open up and lay everything out on the table then I cant help you as far as counsleing.Which makes me think she was just saying she trusted her, when she really doubts.

Ive got a question.Lets just say that my wife is telling the truth and that there was nothing unfaithful about what she did and Im just being paranoid from my past scars.Am I right to leave her becasue of the simple fact that she wont take the polygraph?I mean I know its my call but in your opinion.

Like I said I dont want to end this marrige, but theres this part of me thats sees myself still getting mad and beating myself up over this way down the road.See and I dont want to leave her or my children where they are right now.Were living with her mom and it would be hard for her to get out on her own if I left.

Thank you to everybody, it is helping me talking about it.
Hi, I'd like to answer your question with a question... You have a thousand reasons that you could leave this lady over that would be completely understandable.
Why, out of all these reasons, would chose to state 'her not taking a polygraph' as being the reason for leaving?

This is only my personal opinion, but I absolutely do not think that is any kind of reason to leave someone. I don't quite understand your thinking in regards to the polygraph.
I believe counseling will be 1000 x's better for you than any polygraph test.
Why not at least spend some more time with the counselor working things through before pushing the lie-detector issue any further. At least give the counseling a chance to see how much it helps.

Whatever you decide, good luck.
I understand what your saying.My whole problem is one minute Im leaning towards her cheating on me and it drives me crazy, then Ill lean the other way, but think in the back of my head that Im being tricked.Thats exacly why I wanted the test so it would help clear any doubt.

I dont know what Im going to do.Im fking miserable right now.I dont have anywhere else to go either, well atleast not a very welcoming place to go and I dont make enough money to rent a decent apartment.

The only thing that would make her as miserable as me right now would be for me to leave.But thats head games, and I dont like doing that.I dont want to hurt her but I think why should she get to have me around when she wont even help me clear my head.
Wow. I just finished reading through this whole thread and I'd say you have a heck of a lot more to worry about than just her not taking a silly test to ease your mind over something that may or may not have happened.

The facts as you've presented it is that you are involved in an equally unhealthy marriage where there's an immature wife who took off some time from the family to go play and smoke pot and possibly cheat a second time with a co-worker, and a husband who has vicious anger and apparently a drinking problem and issues with control violence that has landed him in jail on multiple occassions.

Can you understand why perhaps it's more important for you two to figure out the best way to take care of your children as opposed to consistantly playing your little mind games, lying to eachother, pushing eachothers buttons, and acting incredibly irresponsibly? You've put your children at risk - driving drunk down the highway, if you had died and mom was off having an affair none the wiser what would your kids have done? What about if you go to jail again for not facing and dealing with your anger problem head on?

No one says it's easy to do therapy, but there's a darn good reason it exists.

You are both seemingly unstable and raising your children in a very unhealthy setting. I suggest you both suck it up and deal with it head on with a therapist before it's too late for ALL of you.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:56 AM.

© 2022 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!