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Re: Hello Ced
Feb 28, 2006
Hi West and Amanda,

Amanda thanks for your story, I really do appreciate hearing a positive one. I'm so glad that things worked out for you. I want that for both me and West too!

West, I too am told that I should be eternally grateful for what I have and to shut up because all of my girlfriends want a man like my husband. My sister looked for a man like my husband to marry, that's how much she thinks of him.

My husband and I separated 8 years ago and I told him then the same things about not feeling a spark and not knowing if I loved him the right way. My sister and mother didn't want to talk to me at all about it. So, I won't have any support from them at all if we separate. I don't know if I'm repeating myself with you, if I am....I'm sorry. But I got back together with him out of fear. Fear of thinking I will never meet anyone nice or have anyone love me.

I know it's wrong to stay and I don't have an answer for us. Sometimes I think I'm the most horrible person in the world. I really do. One of my girlfriends tells me that she thinks my husband is very nice, but that I should be happy and if I'm not then I owe it to both of us to be happy and find happiness! Easier said than done. I know what has to be done, but I'm frozen. I don't like confrontation, I have panic attacks when I'm upset. I feel like I'm dying.

I just can't express to you enough, not to get married. You're not as trapped as I am, West. Really. I mean, I know it would be tough for your boyfriend to move his business, but it can be done. I know he's close to your family, but things will get better. There's no child involved at all. I'm not in anyway trying to minimize or discount what's happening in your life at all. I just want to tell you that you're way better off than I am at this point. It's really fixable for you. I know you feel the same way I do about not moving out of fear, but you're young and I know you will find someone else if that's what you want. I have a 20 year marriage under my belt and lots of history.

I often picture myself signing the divorce papers and getting really sad. So I think...what am I sad over. Would I miss him, want him back..what? I would miss him. He's been my best friend. I would miss our friendship and long history together. We grew up together in a sense. He's done nothing wrong to me at all. It would be hard for both of us. I can't picture running into him on the street and not feeling sad. I don't want to hurt that way.

I know it sounds selfish, but if I had my wish it would be to have him in my life as my friend forever. I just don't think he would be able to do that. I thnk he would be too hurt. He's stated many times that he wants me to be happy, but it would be too painful for him to stay my friend.

I'm really sad, West. I do my best not to think too much about it on a daily basis because it's too much to bear. The other day he was kissing me and I was thinking how I wanted so much to feel turned on. I was also praying to God to make it happen.

Talk to you soon.

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