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I guess the thought of someday watching her fall in love with someone else bothers me alot. But mostly, it's fear of being alone. We're both recovering alcoholics. We've been sober for over 5 years. We got sober together. I don't know sobriety without her. I've never gone through a relationship breakup without DRINKING through it. lol. So I guess that's why it's hard for me to stick to my guns and stay away. I'm not used to coping or dealing with feelings like this. THey're tough, and I haven't had alot of practice. So when the pain gets intense, and she calls me, I give in and rationalize why should be together again. But inevitably, it leads me right back to the position I'm in now, which is NOT FUN!! And each time it gets worse. It's total insanity. What keeps you sticking around? I can relate to the whole "moving away" thing. Outa site, outa mind lol.
MrShannon-
I hate to butt into this thread without following it closely, but I just wanted to comment on your post #16 .
I was wondering if you were my ex for a moment, writing that. What you said is, verbatim, everything he said to me. For a month. Until I finally asked him point blank if he was coming back, and for once he said no instead of the infamous "I dont know". I have threads all over this board about him, so no need to repeat. The gist: Im 23, he was 22 (now 23), and started dental school in Sept, and after almost 2 years of being together, in Nov. he decided to end things. I guess he wanted to go play. He was my first TRUE love, I thought (well, knew, at the time) Id marry him, And he did this to me in the course of maybe 3 weeks, tops, because he all of a sudden just seemed to want me to go away. I never even knew he had changed his mind about me in any way to THAT extent. Just started treating me like crap one or two weekends in a row, and bam. When I confronted him he pulled out EVERY SINGLE THING you just said that you had said to your ex. Its uncanny. Every sentence you put, he used. And the reason I am writing this is because I believed what he said.

I know that it is hard to tell someone you dont want to be with THEM. Its just, as someone who was recently on the receiving end of this (as you called it) bs, please just come out and say it. I think it is hurtful, extremely hurtful, to hear that, but just how more hurtful is it to get strung along, harbor hope that the person will come back once they get 'un-confused' and 'find themselves', really believe the bs they tell you (as I did- I made excuses for the fact that my ex could have been stressed with school/transitioning, could have needed time, didn't know who he was...especially because he cried the whole time he told me this)? In the end, it was really because he was too selfish to spare ME the pain, and wanted to spare his own pain of feeling guilty for hurting me. No matter how you spin it, I was going to be hurt. And I was hurt so much in the end when I found out the truth- that he wanted it to end all along, out of nowhere for whatever reason, all so he could jump right into a new relationship with a girl in his dental program, right in the city that he moved to to be with ME.

So, as someone who recently went through this (I am still recovering), it was the worst few months of my life, and it didnt have to be that way. If you know its over, as you seem to do, please tell the person that the relationship is over, spare them the crap, and let them move on. If you want to soften the blow, I can guarantee it will be easier on you AND the other person if you can just end it with honesty when you know its over and tell the the harsh truth instead of trying to make it 'easier' for them to swallow. Had my ex told me the truth on that first day instead of all the sentences you wrote, I would have had a lot more respect for him than I do now; now, I almost wish him dead, as psycho as that sounds. I can promise you, you will make it much worse by skirting around the issue, especially if your ex really loves you and doesnt want to see you go. After going through this, I vowed to myself that I will always tell the truth, no matter how hard, to people I have relationships with, because I will never risk hurting someone the way I was hurt.
That is really good to hear.I think for the very first time since we've been talking you sound more confident that it's over and have a positive outlook on moving on. Congrats! It will only be hard for a little while. I, on the other hand cannot even fathum the thought of remaining friends with this ex (or soon to be ex)I hve remained friends with my ex-husband to some extent,another on of my ex b/f but this one NO WAY. I love him way to much. This sounds like such crap but I really only can be friends with my ex -hus. b/c I do care for him and even love him but I know I'd never be back with him again even though he is the one who loves me and has always tried getting back with me...same with ex b/f...but this man is different,maybe i am delusional.I don't know. I seem to see him differently than anyone else. I know he is not good looking,he is boring, he is very moody and touchy about everything...but for some reason dometimes when I am with him I don't see these things...everything feels like it is right and I feel secure (I have no reason to feel secure,he has given me zero as I have been pointing out) WHY then, do you suppose I imagine this unrealistic security. I must really be out of it. Maybe it is a confort zone I have created in my mind and it doesn't really exist at all. I compare all other men to him,even though thier probly better than him on all levels, he has kind of brainwashed me that all men are snakes and or losers.I know this isn't true but I have a profound distrust of men that I never have had in the past because of the way he portraits men to me for all these years. He doesn't like metalking to men even in a social setting he gets really jealous,even of his own friends and family. He is even jealous of my brother living with me now b/c like last night my bro brought over one of the friends he works with and he said to me"You tell him he cannot be bringing men into your houuse that they need to just wait outside for him" I was totally insulted by this b/c he doesn't pay my bills, he is buying the place he lives now and has not offered me to move back in with him. He could be buying a larger "HOME" if he truly intended for me to have a place with him,I just had my lease come up on my home and I gave him several hints but he never once offered.Who does he think he is? He wants me to be here speaking, seeing,going out with no one...just waiting here for when he can make time for me or theres no one more important around, Who knows. I will be so glad if I can get myself to where you are now. Sooner or later it has to happen, I have to make it happen. I am terrified of being without him,but I hate being with him. I make no sence.Gotta go to work now.Later
[QUOTE=Tiff208]That is really good to hear.I think for the very first time since we've been talking you sound more confident that it's over and have a positive outlook on moving on. Congrats! It will only be hard for a little while. I, on the other hand cannot even fathum the thought of remaining friends with this ex (or soon to be ex)I hve remained friends with my ex-husband to some extent,another on of my ex b/f but this one NO WAY. I love him way to much. This sounds like such crap but I really only can be friends with my ex -hus. b/c I do care for him and even love him but I know I'd never be back with him again even though he is the one who loves me and has always tried getting back with me...same with ex b/f...but this man is different,maybe i am delusional.I don't know. I seem to see him differently than anyone else. I know he is not good looking,he is boring, he is very moody and touchy about everything...but for some reason dometimes when I am with him I don't see these things...everything feels like it is right and I feel secure (I have no reason to feel secure,he has given me zero as I have been pointing out) WHY then, do you suppose I imagine this unrealistic security. I must really be out of it. Maybe it is a confort zone I have created in my mind and it doesn't really exist at all. I compare all other men to him,even though thier probly better than him on all levels, he has kind of brainwashed me that all men are snakes and or losers.I know this isn't true but I have a profound distrust of men that I never have had in the past because of the way he portraits men to me for all these years. He doesn't like metalking to men even in a social setting he gets really jealous,even of his own friends and family. He is even jealous of my brother living with me now b/c like last night my bro brought over one of the friends he works with and he said to me"You tell him he cannot be bringing men into your houuse that they need to just wait outside for him" I was totally insulted by this b/c he doesn't pay my bills, he is buying the place he lives now and has not offered me to move back in with him. He could be buying a larger "HOME" if he truly intended for me to have a place with him,I just had my lease come up on my home and I gave him several hints but he never once offered.Who does he think he is? He wants me to be here speaking, seeing,going out with no one...just waiting here for when he can make time for me or theres no one more important around, Who knows. I will be so glad if I can get myself to where you are now. Sooner or later it has to happen, I have to make it happen. I am terrified of being without him,but I hate being with him. I make no sence.Gotta go to work now.Later[/QUOTE]

He doesn't trust other men around you, not because he loves you necessarily, it's because he believes they think, and would behave, like him. He can't concieve a man would behave honorably, because he doesn't. He paints all other men with HIS brush. And, deep down, he's painting you with it too. One man would only find another man a threat if he believes his woman would cheat with him. This isn't honoring you, it is disrespecting you. Any man who wants an exclusive relationship, with a woman, will make a formal, legal and binding, committment to her. Anything else is temporary.





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