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Re: Just a thought
Mar 3, 2006
Hi Citygirl,
I think you misunderstand the concept of No Contact. You don't cut off communication, so that they will come back. You cut contact because you know, because they've broken up with you, that they ARE NOT comming back. It is only through distancing yourself, that you can start to heal.
As for closure, it's overrated and more often then not, used as an excuse to continue contact with someone who is no longer interested. When they break up, well THAT is the end. They know you still care for them. If they still cared, they wouldn't have broken up with you. Closure NEVER satifys the one who got dumped. It is never clear, or enough, or what they wanted to hear. There will NEVER be an answer, good enough, to explain the pain you are going thnrough. No Contact gives you the space and peace, you need, to regain your dignity now and whatever small amount of objectivity we might be able to gain, when looking back.
Re: Just a thought
Mar 3, 2006
I agree with all of you 100%, especially you, Eve. I think that it is very important to cut it off when you know they are not coming back...I think the issue that I was trying to speak of in my post is for us that DON'T know if they will or will not come back. I am one of the possible few that came to these boards during the downfall of the relationship and throughout my breakup, because my stupid ex broke up with me in the worst possible way- said he 'needed to be alone, didn't know anything, didn't know if it was over', and then when I finally said I had had enough, got with another girl immediately after. This was the guy I thought I'd marry! Actually, KNEW. But enough about that, its all over these boards, no need to repeat.

I guess I am just saying that, for those of us in a situation like mine, I think it can be disadvantageous to cut off contact because you dont want to push the person away...because then it makes you withold all of your emotions and make it more painful for yourself in the sole hope that he or she will come back. I am not saying people shouldn't cut off contact at all- once I did and gained back my power, my dignity, and started moving on, it was the best thing I could do for myself. I guess I just see a lot of people saying 'you're pushing him even further away by contacting him'- and I heard that a lot in the start of my "break-up" (or whatever it was at first), from my family, friends, etc. And for me, if I was currently in the devasted, hurt, and confused situation where I wanted him back (and I was not too long ago), I think hearing that would make me harbor some hope. "Oh, I will just have to suck it up and then he might come back". And I kept hearing "be strong" which equated to "don't contact him or think of him" and I was so confused by that! It felt like, in that case, I would be his doormat, that he could hurt me like that and get the easy way out? No way!

I think once it has sunk in that the person is not coming back, no contact is the best thing to do, once you've accepted that, but in the beginning stages of denial and so forth, I dont think its such a bad thing to do. Its easy to say (and I said it myself in the first post!) that once they break up with you, they're gone, because ideally we should think that way- its true usually. But even for me when going through what I went through 3 months ago, I didnt believe it, I was in total denial and shock. I got kicked to the curb, basically, out of nowhere. And by NOT contacting him so that I wouldnt push him away, I think it would have made it a lot worse on myself.

*Eve, I think your post is very well-put and although I dont think any of us can realize that while we go through what we go through in a break-up, I think we will all look back and think "wow, I wish I knew that then". I know I did.*

But all in all I dont regret contacting and trying to get answers, as futile as it long as its within reason! I just don't want myself and others to see it as though I 'pushed my ex even further away'...that would be a scary thought to think of now, even though I feel I'm better off without him (I relate to you so much, sugarpye- it just took me a LOT longer than a week!).

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