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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


PULEEEZE, Take this advice! I know what you are probly thinking, I, as well as alot of these posters have already been where you are right now...the difference with me is I obviously have not learned from my mistakes YET! I was with an older guy at your age as well, married him at 17 (where were my parents) I guess they probly didn't feel like it was worth the fight and I would have probly hated them anyway and done what I wanted to. How foolish we can be,and it will mess up your life.Take it from someone who knows. I was married to this guy for years had a child with him and then the real hell started. I was 21 when I had my child and he told me that no other man would ever look at me again because I had a child with anothr man...He then started treating me worse than ever because he was controlling my feelings and I felt like a worthless piece of S*** , I believed everything he told me. So, I put up with this abuse for a couple more years then guess what I did? I then found a man that gave me attention (another older man, 16 years older to be exact,an even bigger age difference than with you and this loser) and I thought he was wonderful until I found myself not being able to communicate much with my family,have ANY friends,depend on him for everything and he also became abusive...I have made some progress I did get out there and even with very little money ,borrowing it from family and such got an education and a career....BUT it was double edged b/c while he used to act like he was wonderful because he gave me a place to live,food,entertainment and a LITTLE money....after I started working with my career he was 1. Jealous of ever man that worked with me...2. Jealous of my clients and actually follows me around....I finally did get out of his house about a year and a half ago but have not been very successful getting him out of my life! He makes me feel guilty,like I used him but now I have my own money and don't need him drives him mad...I am still in the mist of all this but my self-esteem had been so low that i am just barly seeing the light and I had been with him for 7 years he has not married me and I am sure never intends to...that is another self -esteem issue he keeps throwing at me even now...I am not trying to preach at you or tell you what to do I just wanted to share with you the consequences of what you are getting yourself into right now before it is to late....and it's really never to late (I hope) but you have such a head start from where I am and I hope you will take advantage of it so you don't wake up in a struggle like I have been in. BTW ...the first controlling jerk that I had the child with...has NEVER to this day left me alone after all these years he is still persuing me and it has been one long nightmare and also for my innocent child.....PLEASE THINK ABOUT THIS,YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE!!!
To me i really diddnt think age mattered but it must do if everyone is saying about it. Dont get me wrong he has only got abusive towards me once and that was last week because of his cheating and i wouldnt listen . But he has always been kinda controlling towards me from who i speak to or even look at.
What u guys r saying sounds right , but i think it will do loads more damige getting out of this relationship , because he is the sorta guy to just turn on you and can flip. so thats what im scared of.
I cant go to my mum , she would do somthing stupid like go to the police , which i dont want to happen . Everything is getting to much at the moment. i m just trying to keep the peace betwenn me and him so he ndoesnt try and do it again , i know i wanna end this , but not sure how.
[QUOTE=sadie-boo]To me i really diddnt think age mattered but it must do if everyone is saying about it. Dont get me wrong he has only got abusive towards me once and that was last week because of his cheating and i wouldnt listen . But he has always been kinda controlling towards me from who i speak to or even look at.
What u guys r saying sounds right , but i think it will do loads more damige getting out of this relationship , because he is the sorta guy to just turn on you and can flip. so thats what im scared of.
I cant go to my mum , she would do somthing stupid like go to the police , which i dont want to happen . Everything is getting to much at the moment. i m just trying to keep the peace betwenn me and him so he ndoesnt try and do it again , i know i wanna end this , but not sure how.[/QUOTE]

Please take a good, long hard look at what you just said here, and I hope you can see what's wrong here. You say you want to end the relationship, but you don't know how. Well, do you really think making nice and trying to keep the peace and trying to be the sweet, obedient girlfriend is the way to get out of this situation? No, it isn't. By your own words, this guy is a violent loose cannon. You should NEVER, never never never never never never stay in a relationship out of fear!!! Let me say that again: [B]You should NEVER stay in a relationship out of fear. [/B] If you think getting out will "do more damage" then as much as you may hate the idea, getting the police involved may be the best thing. He has no right to "turn on you and flip." What he did to you already is called assault and battery and is against the law, and if he did it once, he will do it again, and it's only a matter of time before he does. He can be as sorry as he can be, but if he were really all that sorry, he would have never done it in the first place.

Another important thing to keep in mind, is that you say he's very controlling as far as who you talk to or even look at. You're very young and probably have no idea how common and how dangerous situations like this are, but you must realize that this is a losing battle. The truth is, he is harboring deep, dark demons that have nothing to do with you. He most likely grew up in a very violent, dysfunctional environment and needs lots of therapy to find out why he's so violent and controlling and how to fix it. But until he does, he can go be sorry on someone else's head. You can't fix him or save him or love him into being the great guy you hope he'll be some day. And you can't twist yourself into a pretzel trying to be the ideal girlfriend he wants you to be, because he's a control freak. His goal is not to help you be the best version of yourself. His goal is to control, belittle and humiliate and degrade you. He will always find something to be unhappy about, and will always find something to yell at you or control you about. It's a losing battle, so you'd be a fool to even try to fight it. And anyway, someone who truly loves you and really wants to be with you does not constantly find fault with you.

You want to get away from this guy, so somewhere deep down inside, you know waht he's doing is wrong, and you know this is not how you want to live, with your stomach in knots, walking on eggshells trying not to "make him flip or kick." That's no way to live. and staying with him out of fear is no way to live either. You're right, when you end it with him, he will probably get violent and more controlling. Taht's when you hve to be at your strongest and most careful, and it's NOT stupid to get the police involved. when someone threatens your life or breaks the law in hurting you, the police should get involved. You have a very serious, big decision to make. Since we all know that we cannot change anyone else's behavior, and we can't change the way another human being acts, behaves, thinks, feels, or treats us or sees us, the only thing we can control is how we respond to it. You can choose to stick around, trying not to make him mad and allowing him to slowly destroy your spirit, self esteem, and waste your youth, which you will never be able to get back, on this jerk who treats you like crap, or you can protect yourself, end it in a public place with plenty of people around, inform everyone you know in case he starts showing up at your house school, work, whatever, and don't HESITATE to call the police if he theatens you in any way, shape or form. I'm so sorry you're faced with this situation at such a young, tender age. There are mature, fully grown adult women who have a very difficult time dealing with this kind of situation. But the choice is yours to make. We'll be here to encourage and support you and hope that you make the right one. :angel:
I'm starting to wonder if this is all real or not, but I suppose I can understand if you are to scared to go to the police or tell your parents.

But time after time I hear **** like this. If women were not attracted to monsters like this then he would not be doing the stuff he is doing (cheating and being controlling) he can get what he wants with women because he knows he can get women and control them. Women really need to take control of their own actions and actually take into consideration the kind of guy they will end up with.

I have a sister who is 17 and these two men in their mid 20's wanted to take her to the movies in their car, now these two guys were the kind of guys who would have done sexual acts on my sister, no doubt about it. When they came to pick her up I went so mental at them they have not seen her since, they honestly ran for their lives. My sister did not know what the fuss was about, she thought they were nice guys! Once again a silly female who cannot tell between good men and bad men, bad men meaning guys who will control them and sexually abuse them.

But if this is all real go tell the police, guys like this make me really mad. And if you were my sister and this happened to you I could very well badly harm this guy in question.
Don't give in to this man, it will just increase his already huge ego. He could go for a younger girl next time.





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