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Relationship Health Message Board


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thank you so much all of you for your kind words and support.
People are all different, some will understand, some wont. We all vary- thats what is so special about us human beings...
i do appreciate my life, i just become a little confused at times, hurt, i dont handle it pretty well, im senstive and have other bad stuff doing on in my life, i have been depressed, seeking help for it, one of the ways is by posting on this board etc- i dont like it when people dont understand and get "tired" of my posts- i came here for help and support- i thought that this was the purpose of this board?
if you get tired, frustrated etc with my posts, then dont read...its simlpe...dont moan to me about me, making me feel as tho im not normal, and that I should just be able to snap myself out of it... just keep it to yourself...its not needed...i come here for advice and support...not for posts to tell me to snap out of it because i was only in the relationship for 6 months, i should appreciate my life etc if it were that simple, id have done it and not asked for HELP on these boards...
anyway...
i decided not to visit the boards for the weekend that just went by. I wanted to be by myself and not read posts about love, feelings, breakups etc and just be by myself with my own thoughts because reading through posts on this boards doesnt always result in the best outcome...

What Ive been doing is burying the feelings...accepting them, then burying them. I dont cry like mad like I use to. I have a little cry when it gets a little too much, thats usually enough to make myself ok, like this morning.
Today Im feeling good...over the weekend I had moments of feeling very weak and with no self esteem...Ive been asking questions about life, haha, like about love, the purpose of life etc...its been good, i think im starting to get back to how i was before i met my ex...i was very happy with myself then, strong, confidant, and im getting that back. my grades had fallen slightly and i felt so ugly, felt like i had no support etc but ive been trying to sort all that out for the past week.

Saturday, I was at work, and I had to listen to a song being played over and over again, which was our song. It hurt, but I managed it. I didnt cry which surprised me. Im just taking it. I think you get use to it after a while?

Ive realised Im not in love with him anymore...Im in love with the person he use to be before all this ***** happened. I didnt fall in love with the person who he became. So thats ok now because I no longer want him NOW but the person he was and what we had before all of this happened...I know I cant have that back...Before I wanted him back and thought I could get him back because it was all my fault, I pushed him away, and all I needed to do was to tell him how things were, because he didnt know of my true feelings, the reasons for my behaviuor etc...but now I look back and I think "how can i want the person who he has become? the person he has shown himself to be? how can i want to be with someone who shows that little consideration and respect to someone who he was with for seven months, very intimate with etc, esp after hearing how she feels etc...? the little shame he showed last wednesday?" etc hes not the person i fell in love with...

it only hurts when i think about the fantastic times we had together, really intimate moments, how i knew he was special frmo the moment i saw him (thats amazing for me, never happened to me before, it was kinda almost like love at first sight) how he is with this other girl, how perfect they looked, and how they wont have the problems him and i had so theyll be together longer, theyve wanted eachother more, how i stood in the way of them etc...it just hurts but i managed to dumb it down, take it in...it hurts how crazy he was about me and how that all vanished...the memmories do kill me when i think about them for too long so i try not to...
i simply wonder now, it doesnt do any damage (only when its not about the good memories), im not looking for anything, i just wonder and think back...doesnt cut me deep like it use to...it bloody hurts but its not as sharp as it use to be...i am so thankful for that...i guess its just time, isnt it?

Today I remembered something...how he use to cry, not eat for days if we had a disagreement or a fight or a min-breakup...that is comforting because it does show that it did mean something to him at one point- i dont need to feel so worthless anymore etc like he was just using me for a good time etc
i still dream about him every night...i wake up thinking about him...but i end up with little tears...
i only sometimes i think about getting back together with him...i guess thats part of the dreaming...

Ive had so many boyfriends, so many things like this have happened, but this is different because of how much i adored him...it hurts...he was perfect...but didnt turn out to be perfect in the end because i guess i wasnt the right girl for him or it wasnt the rigth time or the right things didnt happen...sigh...if only...

i think this is what happened:
things were going so well but then the issue of love came up a few times and after each time he became very scared and pulled back...then i felt insecure, then i pushed him away...etc
i guess he is young and it all came too much and i kept pushing him for more and he said to give it time but i guess it all came a bit too much, i shouldve left it to see if it developed but i made such a big issue about it, he no doubt got scared and pushed away...i was his first girlfriend...
thats what im thinking about what had happened...he mustve got fed up...ok but why chase the girl? something is missing...oh well...never mind...
im not trying frantically to try and figure out what happened...it just comes together when i think about it...dont think about it all the time anymore...keeping myself busy...

im still so in love with the person who he was...he was perfect...its a shame i couldnt make it work out because i couldve done...but oh well...
i still dont think ive learnt anything from this- ive just had a wake up call because i seemd to have forgotten what guys can be like and how girls should never ever pursue guys...never ever...

i dont think i can give my heart away again for a very long time...
im not dreading summer so much anymore because ive got so much planned...
but sometimes i think of him and her and i think "gosh its pathetic to be single like me when ive got so many guys asking me out" but i cant do it...
at the moment i dont feel entirely complete being single but ive got to learn to be ok with it because im stil fragile, still confused about myself and my life, what i want, who i am, what im doing etc- i shouldnt enter a relationship when im like this no way im not ready...but thats ok, isnt it?

i wonder if he ever thinks about me...probably doesnt, hes got the great advantage of having a girlfriend to get over it really quickly, to divert distractions, to avoid feeling lonely...
i wonder if he would ever call...i dont expect it...i simply wonder...i dont even know if id want it...i think its almost 90% certain id never talk to him...i just couldnt...i couldnt even bring myself to say hi to him last wednesday...but i think i did well regarding the situation, no?





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