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hello everyone,

I hope that someone can help me understand my husband. The story that leads up to the point where we are right now, is a fairly long one, so i will try to keep it as short as possible.

My husband was gone a lot because of various jobs a lot during our marriage. I had missed him and it hurt so badly that i retreated from him, up to the point where i "fell" for some guy online. I told my husband, cause i hate lies and cant live like that. It hurt him badly, after a while our money situation got really bad and he took a job in kuwait. (he now says he left cause he couldnt see me loving someone else) When he was in kuwait i told him i didnt love him anymore and that he needs to get on with his life and find someone else. He fought for me for a long time, even though he did have a girlfriend a couple months after i told him that.

He came back for a visit at x-mas, and that made me think after he was gone again and i knew i still loved him. By march i had broke off all contact to the other guy and i wanted to tell my husband i still love him, but couldnt bring myself to do it, guess my guilt and shame did their part. I was also afraid of his answer.

In may he came for a couple days and i told him that i love him, but his face was just...sad...blank...hurt...i dont know...he couldnt say it back to me. After he had left, he did call me and told me that he loved me and we talked every day online, i wanted him to leave the other woman, he kept making excuses why he couldnt get rid of her (she has no job, she threatened with suicide, etc) After a while he said she was gone and he wanted me to visit him so he could see it in my eyes. I came in august for 2 weeks, and during that time, we had a nice time together, but i felt there was something between us, like some wall or something..i couldnt pinpoint it. He even proposed to me again. I didnt want to leave again, felt if i did, i would loose him.

After i was back home, he didnt spend much time with me online, and i was desperate, trying to hold on to him. in october he told me he dont love me, he cant live a lie by telling me that he does. I told him i will start my own life then, he said, no...dont get a job, dont move, wait for me. So i did, but he talked less and less to me.

in december i broke down on the phone talking to him, and he said in a sad voice, cant you wait for me? i couldnt answer anything, then he said he loves me. I believed it, he was very sweet and loving with me online and on the phone during that time. Said things like, he was lucky to have me. 3 weeks later i wanted to hear his voice and called him, and he sounded very cold, i knew instantly what was up. Then i heard her voice in the background, calling him a player. My world broke apart again, for the third time. At this point my depression was taking over, and i had lost all control over my emotions.

At x-mas i went to visit my family with the kids and i broke down. My mom wanted to put me in a mental hospital, cause she saw i couldnt do it on my own anymore. My husband (whom we talked to on the phone at this time) said no, i am having her and the kids brought here to kuwait. He told my sister he would take care of me, he would get an apartment for all of us and his girlfriend would leave. He told me to think positiv and that we would talk when i get there. A couple days before i left i got a message from his girlfriend...telling me welcome home girl, and that she will be gone when i get there, etc.

When i got here, she hadnt left, he didnt let her, he lives with her, and i sit here with the kids alone in an apartment in a country where i know noone else. My depression is having a strong hold of me, and because i cant deal with it, i "bug" my husband all the time and cant leave him alone. I cant accept that he dont love me anymore, it wont register in my head and in my heart. He says he wants to stay friends, he dont know what the future brings, its not over yet, and that he still cares.

i tried to leave many times, he comes up with something new every time to push that out. Either its...something can happen until you leave, we dont need to talk yet, i dont have the money, i want you to get your permanent ID for over here first. I dont understand, he loves the other woman. Why does he want to hold on to me? I told him i would have a different way of getting out of here, if its only the money he is worried about. Told him someone was getting me a ticket to help me, he asked who...and i said a friend that is trying to fix his marriage. And all he said was, figured it was a guy. Like i have something with him or whatever. I dont, but even if i was, why would that bother him? He says he dont love me anymore, i just dont understand. He is the one now with someone else, not me. He also says things like, you are leaving me again, how can you leave someone that isnt with you? He says i give up too easily, i fought since may last year, to the point where i gave myself up and this is where i am at now. I dont give up easily, but i see no hope. He dont talk much, basically says those same sentences over and over. Says he wont raise the kids with her, but he will do it himself. I dont understand why he isnt happy that i am leaving, i know i am a pain in the *** right now to him. Shouldnt he be glad its gonna be over and done with, that he can live in peace with his new love? I dont understand, if he still feels for me, then why wont he let me get close enough to him, to help him overcome all that hurt. He says he wants to deal with things by himself, but he hasnt been able to manage that in almost a year, and things will stay as they are, why cant he just accept that its over, that he cant take me back, that if he dont love me, it should be easy for him to let me go and just do it. I dont understand, can someone please explain this to me? I made the clean cut, why cant he do the same? Why cant he commit to his decision to be with her instead of me? Why is he putting himself into this situation, where he has some depressed emotional woman on the one hand (me) and an insecure one on the other (her), she says she cant compare to his wife and she should leave...He could just live happily with her, if i was out of the picture completely. Please, someone explain it to me. Thank you, and did get kinda long :(


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