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Relationship Health Message Board


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[QUOTE=citygirl23]
Yes, I do like DC rebound guy, and he is differnet from others just in the sense that I know him better than the other guys Ive come across casually, but I also notice that I care less about what I think of him and more about what he thinks of ME. So, I think Im just looking for validation here that I am something more than just an oject because I feel like I am back in this de-valued position that my ex judged me for. Does that make sense?[/QUOTE]

Yes, I think that makes sense as well. That's the biggest pitfall I have experienced in my attempts to get over my ex as well. He was staunchly religious too, or at least claimed to be, I don't know. Was against women with children working, didn't approve of daycare, divorce, thought it was an abomination, no artificial birth control at all, and of course dead set against abortion, it was a product of "womens' selfishness." Didn't think women getting ripped of at the used car dealership was such a big deal because "well, women have boyfriends and husbands who pay for gas, car maintenance and all that, so it evens out." :rolleyes: Anyway, I tried to conform to his ideals, I failed, and he left me for a fresh out of court divorcee wth three latch key kids who spent their time in day care while she worked all day, kids who call another man daddy, and tied tubes. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: Though when I fooled around with the former FWB, who was also a mutual friend, and as it happens, best man at my ex's wedding, I don't think I really cared at all what he thought of me, and I think that's why I chose him. I knew that there was no way I could possibly hurt him, even though I made it clear that I would not be forming any feelings for him (though the huge fight we got into, I don't know, I sort of got a sense that maybe he did feel a little anger at my up front total unwillingness to feel anything for him, though he sure didn't complain at the time). But of course, when someone you love so much, someone who you thought loved you, just wakes up one day and looks into your face and says "nah, I can do better" and skips on his merry way and happily hooks up with someone else, it can be pretty devastating. If, like many experts say, divorce can be akin to a parent or some other very close loved one dying, then the break up with someone you thought was going to be your husband surely is almost as devastating as that. I totally understand the need to feel "worthy" again. Even though I respectfully disagree with the wonderful ladies on this board as to exactly how to accomplish this, I do think that to a certain degree, it is important to find a way of doing that for yourself, without having to rely on other people to make you feel worthy, at least to a point. I will always believe that it's impossible for some people to feel completely whole, worthy, loved, lovable, and connected as long as they are alone, but there's alot to be said for finding a way to feel at least full up enough on your own so that you don't find yourself in a situation where you get desperate in a search to find another person to make you feel that way. Don't ask me how to accomplish this, I'm no expert. I still feel very lost a great deal of the time, and still cry pretty much every day. I still struggle with feeling unworthy and unlovable, guilty at not being a better person, a better Christian and Catholic, questioning all my beliefs and values, and wondering what in the world I did that was so awful that I deserve a life sentence of solitary confinement. There are people who are less Catholic and less religious than I am, and they get to be happy, do I really deserve this hell?

But I did learn a lesson from the former FWB, and I learned who I was, and that I wasn't willing to sacrifice who I was for a momentary release or respite from the pain. And after having spent real time with him and getting to know him, realizing that he is not the kind of person who can really give me anything real on any kind of deep, emotional level, and that I'd be better off trying to fill myself up rather than hoping to get something from a substandard, superficial "relationship." But I think your situation might be a bit difference, since you like your DC guy much more than I liked my FFWB, which further complicates things. I wish I knew what to tell you. The only thing I can say is, I don't think you should dump or kiss off Mr. DC, but I do think it would be beneficial for you at this time to spend some time with yourself as well. And to spend it not just thinking about him, planning your next move and wondering how it will progress, but spend it thinking about your heart, your life, and what you want out of it, and where you would like to see it go, and who you are, your wishes, beliefs, values, dreams, hopes. Read the paper and spend a minute or two thinking about current events or politics, just to get a really good idea of where you stand on things, if you don't already. Journal. Take a nice long bubble bath, a quiet walk in the park, go to a really interesting movie by yourself, or with a like-minded friend and discuss it over coffee afterward. Spend some real quality time with you.





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