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Relationship Health Message Board


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Thank you Charlatans! You're advise makes perfect sense.
I guess in a way, I feel as if need the new guy in order to keep my distance from my ex. He is all I have to pre-occupy my thoughts. The other guys I meet when I'm out do not even spark the slightest interest in me... Probably b/c I still love my ex.
But I totally agree with you that he is probably bad news.... I usually have good instincts, so if something inside me is saying don't trust him, I probably shouldn't trust him. It would be one thing if he were asking me to come visit, meet his family and friends, ect... But when I am with him, we are in our own world and I know nothing about his outside "normal" life... Not good!

Anyway, as for my ex, he broke up with me b/c he is afraid of commitment. He's afraid of marriage and he knew that I was getting impatient. We were together 4 years and I wanted at least an engagement by now... I never gave an altimatum or anything like that. But I'm not getting younger and I would like kids by the time I'm in my 30's! :)
Anyway, if we got back together I would be insecure... I would fear that he would break it off again. But to be honest, I'm getting used to that. haha
He is afraid of marriage, but yet I know he wants it. His mom even called me and told me not to give up on him, he loves me very much.
My ex is also seeing a therapist to help him get over his fear and anxiety. I think I should see one too actually! We're messed up. Its like we can't live with each other and we can't live without each other...

You are sooo right about there being no rush! I should take my time in deciding (if the decision is even mine to make)...
I just don't feel like myself lately... I am usually so level-headed (somethimes TOO level-headed). I feel like doing something crazy. I just don't know what that means.
this new guy may take your mind off your ex but i think as time goes on youll probably want more, youll want him to replace your ex and i dont think he will be around to be there for you and youll end up feeling even more upset...you know what to do...forget him...do something else instead...go for a run, go clubbing, meet up with friends...do sometihng crazy like book a holiday?

is ur ex really seeing a therapist?
i dunno...if its meant to be, if he really loves you, then why is he finding it so difficult to commit? wouldnt it come naturally? im sorry, i dont understand it myself...its strange...
when did you last speak to your ex? when did you guys breakup last? whats it been since you broke up?
if its this difficult now, imagine what itd be like during the marriage...sorry, but you need to think about these things and im sure you are
you say you should be getting use to him breaking things off- this is so wrong...does this guy really love you? i feel like shaking him and getting the answer out of him myself haha!

remember, no rush, no decision is needed...just take some time out for yourself, go out, try new things, meet new people...dont put your life on hold...what will be, will be...
Thanks Cinting!
Yes, we are a lot alike. I wish I could just have fun and not worry so much. Live for the moment.. But I do get attached and I fear rejection.
Therefore, if I started something up with this out of town guy, I would expect more than he could give me. For example, if I had a bad day I would want to be able to call him and know he cares. But he wouldn't. Or if I get invited to a wedding, I expect the man I'm seeing to be my date, but he wouldn't... So, although I do envy those women who can take men for what they are and have fun without "needing" too much...its just not me. I like to think that I am not totally clingy and needy (although in my younger days I was), but I do still need to know that he cares and wants to be there for me. I can't be with some guy who I don't here from for 2 weeks, then he calls and asks me to go on a vacation with him (his treat). I mean the thought of it is fun and exciting, but its just not me... I wish it was sometimes.

I'm sorry that you are still feeling sad. That is normal though and you seem to be doing much better. Do you still hear from your ex or is he finally out of your life? Have you been getting out much? Meeting new people? Have you considered starting to date again? I think it would be good for you.
At the very least its a nice distraction and you never know what could come of it.
Thanks Cinting!
Yes, we are a lot alike. I wish I could just have fun and not worry so much. Live for the moment.. But I do get attached and I fear rejection.
Therefore, if I started something up with this out of town guy, I would expect more than he could give me. For example, if I had a bad day I would want to be able to call him and know he cares. But he wouldn't. Or if I get invited to a wedding, I expect the man I'm seeing to be my date, but he wouldn't... So, although I do envy those women who can take men for what they are and have fun without "needing" too much...its just not me. I like to think that I am not totally clingy and needy (although in my younger days I was), but I do still need to know that he cares and wants to be there for me. I can't be with some guy who I don't here from for 2 weeks, then he calls and asks me to go on a vacation with him (his treat). I mean the thought of it is fun and exciting, but its just not me... I wish it was sometimes.

I'm sorry that you are still feeling sad. That is normal though and you seem to be doing much better. Do you still hear from your ex or is he finally out of your life? Have you been getting out much? Meeting new people? Have you considered starting to date again? I think it would be good for you.
At the very least its a nice distraction and you never know what could come of it.
Murray,

I want to give you some different advice (or slightly) to what everyone else seems to offer.

Firstly, of course forget about this new guy - what others have said, and you seem to have realised, is perfectly true. There is no future there.

Now, your Ex. I must confess that I'm probably a bit like him in that I've always been scared of marriage, despite now being in a serious relationship myself, which is heading towards marriage I think. I know my girlfriend wants that.

It seems to be that you both love each other, the only thing causing a problem is his indecision regarding the marriage thing, although you say this has changed recently. I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk, along the following lines:

1) Tell him how you feel about him (marriage issue aside). If you can see a life with him then tell him this.
2) Tell him that you do (obviously) want marriage, but that he shouldn't feel that he has to propose if that isn't what he wants. You never know, maybe he really [b]does[/b] want it, now that he realises what he would be giving up?

If he seems serious on the marriage thing, then why not give him a chance with it? You do risk being hurt if it falls through, but you can't live life without risking hurt, or you'll never be happy!

I don't think what others have said - that if he was truly committed etc then marriage wouldn't be an issue - is true at all. I couldn't feel more strongly about my partner, and yet sometimes the idea of getting married still terrifies me! :eek: But I am slowly getting used to the idea, and can definitely see myself married one day.

Good luck!
Willapp, thank you so much for offering your perspective! It is really nice to know that my ex is not the only one who has these issues with marriage. It' also really nice to know that your fear of marriage has nothing to do with your love for your girlfriend. I have never been under the impression that my ex doesn't want to marry "me". I honestly think its the marriage itself that he is afraid of, not being with me for the rest of his life.
His parents had a terrible marriage. They stayed together until all the kids were out of the house but they never talked, held hands, did things together, or sleep in the same bed. My boyfriend is 37 (yes, 37!) haha (I know, big age difference, but it has never been a problem for us... He looks a lot younger and we get along as if we're the same age)...
But, at this point, many of his friends who got married in their 20's, are having marital issues, affairs, getting divorced, ect... (Although many of them are still happily married as well). Then, he see's his brother who is living the same kind of life that his parents did with his wife... Basically, my ex thinks that all marriages are doomed to fail or become miserable... He is seeing a psychologist now to help him with these issues. Its just not very romantic to have to work so hard to get to the point of marriage... I always though it was something that happened naturally and only felt right. But, I have to say... "If" we ever do get married, I think we have a fighting chance. He obviously takes marriage very seriously, and I have had plenty of chances to have found someone else (if thats what I wanted)... We have even discussed going to pre-marriage counsling together, should I decide to give it another go... Like I said, not very romantic. But I think its good for us. As much as I hate him for hurting me, I am also very thankful that he was honest with me and didn't just marry me without giving it this much thought. Because if we were having these issues after getting married, I would feel even worse. Like I trapped him or something...
I also realized something else about myself...
Had my boyfriend moved at a normal pace and proposed to me after a year or 2 like most couples, I would have only been 23! I know 25 is still young, but man have I grown up a lot in the last 2 years!
The fact that he dumped me, as much as it hurt, it also gave me a chance to go out and be single for a while. We were broken up for about 6 months the first time, and now going on 3 months this time... Thats 9 months of being single within our 4 and a half year relationship!
I am not making excuses for him. I think what he did sucked. But.... it did force me to do things I wouldn't have normally done had we gotten married....
For example, I got my own apartment. I now realize that that is something every woman should do before living with a man. I have grown and learned sooo much over the last 18 months of living on my own. I wouldn't have had that experience if he had not left me. And...I realize that my immaturity may have been one reason he left. I didn't even know how to do a load of laundry and I was 23! haha
I spent money on the dumbest things (like $400 on a purse, ect..) But when he left, I grew up A LOT. I went back to school, got my own place, started realizing the value of a dollar, got a 2nd job, learned how to cook, clean, and take care of myself... I guess my mom spoiled me more than I thought, because I have a new appreciation for her, thats for sure! :)
Aside from growing up and becoming more responsible, it also forced me to be single and have "single" kind of fun. I went out to bars and clubs. I danced and made out with random guys. I dated A LOT! I didn't have sex (but I'm not the type to have sex outside of a commited relationship anyway)... But I was single, and I did party. I met new people and went a little crazy (as crazy as I can get at least)...
If we had gotten married when I wanted to, I would probably one day wonder what it would have been like to be single and do the whole "bar scene"... I have to say, I don't care for it much, but I'm glad to have had the experience.
I have been in a relationship all my life it seems, except for those few months that he set me free.
And now, being single and alone doesn't seem as dreadful as it once did. I love him and I want to be with him, but I'm not in a hurry anymore. I'm just fine on my own. I don't need him...but I would like to have him.
I guess what I'm saying is that everything happenes for a reason. The pain he has put me through forced me to understand myself better. The experiences I have had will make me a better wife and mother, with him or with anyone else. (I'll actually know how to wash a dish!) haha
So, I guess I am happy that he dumped me, as weird as that sounds...
Ok...I'm done rambling now... ;)

Charlatans, to answer your question... No, I didn't go out with the out of town guy. I made up an excuse which means he may call next time he's in town. I have a very hard time saying no to people. I'm sure he isn't loosing much sleep over it though... I haven't heard from him since, but I guarentee he will call and lay it on thick again the next time he's in town... That gives me some time to come up with what to say...
I don't feel I owe him an explanation b/c we aren't even in a relationship. But he comes on so strong when he's here and acts as if we are in a relationship and I don't know how to handle it. Do I really need to dump someone I didn't even know I was with to begin with? haha
As for my ex, well I see him at work and we talk. We're friends and we still have a connection, for sure. I even went to dinner with him last night and had a really nice time. But I'm not jumping right back into a full blown relationship and he knows that. I have plans with my friends this weekend and said that maybe we can meet for dinner Sunday or something. I'm not going to be a full-time girlfriend. If we get back together, it will be forever (engagement with a date set) haha. In the mean time, I refuse to become his girlfriend again. I'm sick of being his girlfriend.
If he means everything that he is saying, he will be pacient and give me the time I need to be absolutly she that he is absolutly sure... :)





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