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[QUOTE=cinting] I know women do, but for me, I don't think I would want to have kids after my early 30's. Time is all I have, I know, I just don't want to waste it. Friends is not something that I can be with him, honestly I don't have any interest in becoming his buddy. There is too much chemistry and attraction there between us to be only friends. Since I know this, maybe that is a even better reason to try not to have contact. [/QUOTE]

Well, I can certainly understand that. My ex and I tried the "just friends" bit twice and it never worked out because the chemistry was just so strong for both of us. He's still the only man I can ever imagine kissing. You know all those stupid, corny love songs you hear about someone telling someone else they're the only one I ever want to be with, I'll never kiss other lips than yours, blah blah blah? That's just how I feel about him. Great if it works out, not so great if it doesn't. But oh well. But when that chemistry gets in the way and overrides any reason or logic, sometimes it's just not possible to be buddies after a break up. I understand about the kids too. Everyone is always reminding me of all the hollywood actresses in their early to mid 40s having babies, but they can afford all kinds of fertilization methods and nannies and all that. I don't want to be 50 chasing toddlers around. But who knows? As life goes on, we change, we adapt and learn to balance between our heart's desire and what life actually is willing to give us, and find a way to be happy with the medium. You may have kids at 35, and though it wasn't exactly what you wanted, you may find it wasn't nearly as hard or as unhappy as you thought it would be.

[QUOTE=cinting]Would someone that really cared for you take the chance on losing you if they weren't ready for a relationship?[/QUOTE]

No, I really don't think so. I could be wrong, it's just my opinion. It can be confusing. From my experience, it is possible to not be sure you really want to be with someone, then lose them, then realize what you've lost and really want them back, believing if you can be different and if they can be different in response to how you're different, then it can work. But I don't know how realistic that is. I'm not the most experienced with men, but i've been told from many different sources that men tend to put you in a catagory right away: 1) bed buddy, 2) transitional good time, 3)possible relationship material 4) true love, etc. They size you up and make their decision pretty quickly and it's almost impossible to take yourself out of one and get into another catagory. There are many people who get out of divorces and find true love again veyr soon. My ex married a woman who moved in with him less than a year after the final decree was signed, and there were still custody issues and other things they were still going to court for, and some people even fall in love before the divorce is even finalized, or even filed for that matter (Reba McEntire and Narvel Blackstock, Amy Grant and Vince Gill, Trisha Yearwood and Garth Brooks, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to name a few, and there are probably thousands of non-celebrity examples, but since we don't know any of the same people...) But because of that i do tend to see that "I'm still not over my awful divorce, I don't know what I want in a relationship" stuff is just an excuse, just guyspeak for "I'm really not sure at all I'm all that into you." 9 times out of 10, when a guy tells you "I'm not sure about a relationship/not in a relationship place" it usually takes him about 10 minutes after he wraps things up with you to fall madly in love with and marry someone else. What he really means is "I'm not sure about a relationship [I]with you.[/I] " Like I said, the best thing you can do for yourself is just be honest with him and tell him it's just too hard to do the "just friends" thing and you can't wait around for him to decide if he wants to try to even attempt to be your boyfriend for a while, and give him a time limit if that feels better to you. Tell him to not call you for a month, then you cna try to be just friends. Believe me, if he ever really wanted you at all, by the end of that month, he'll be pounding on your door panting like a dog. If he isn't then you haven't lost anything.
I agree with you Opie. Avon55 inspires me also, as well as you, Hiya, Murray, and others here on this board. I know I need to listen to Avon, I really want to do what is the best thing for me, the most respectable thing for me. Even though I don't think I am just 'fun' for him right now, I also know that I can't or don't want to do casual. I am not the type of person who can be involved without feelings, and I also have never found the thought of dating more than one at once appealing. Sometimes I wish I could be more like that, but I am not wired that way, which is probably not in my favor. He hasn't called for a couple of days, nor have I, but I can't help but wonder if he is thinking about me or missing me. I believe it was Avon that said "he is just a guy", and he is, I wasn't even all that crazy about him when we first started talking, but his patience and understanding with me, his words telling me how he liked me and thought we had something good, and then the first kiss that almost took my breath away, my heart was pounding, and your'e right, I fell hard. I thought he had too. My mind tells me that I don't want someone that doesn't want or doesn't know if he wants me, that if he is not into me the way he should be, he doesn't deserve me to feel the way I do for him, nor does he deserve the way I treated him, and I know that I treated him better than he ever had been. My mind tells me that it didn't have to be hard, that it was easy, and his actions have made it hard, that he probably knows how I feel about him, and whether he cares if I move on or not, right now he knows I'm not going anywhere. But my heart says that I care deeply, every time we talk or I see him, I feel it, see in his eyes what I know is mirrored in mine, just want to touch him or be close to him, flirt and have fun. It's not that I think this is my last shot at love, but how much heartache can one person stand?
[QUOTE=cinting]I agree with you Opie. Avon55 inspires me also, as well as you, Hiya, Murray, and others here on this board. I know I need to listen to Avon, I really want to do what is the best thing for me, the most respectable thing for me. Even though I don't think I am just 'fun' for him right now, I also know that I can't or don't want to do casual. I am not the type of person who can be involved without feelings, and I also have never found the thought of dating more than one at once appealing. Sometimes I wish I could be more like that, but I am not wired that way, which is probably not in my favor. He hasn't called for a couple of days, nor have I, but I can't help but wonder if he is thinking about me or missing me. I believe it was Avon that said "he is just a guy", and he is, I wasn't even all that crazy about him when we first started talking, but his patience and understanding with me, his words telling me how he liked me and thought we had something good, and then the first kiss that almost took my breath away, my heart was pounding, and your'e right, I fell hard. I thought he had too. My mind tells me that I don't want someone that doesn't want or doesn't know if he wants me, that if he is not into me the way he should be, he doesn't deserve me to feel the way I do for him, nor does he deserve the way I treated him, and I know that I treated him better than he ever had been. My mind tells me that it didn't have to be hard, that it was easy, and his actions have made it hard, that he probably knows how I feel about him, and whether he cares if I move on or not, right now he knows I'm not going anywhere. But my heart says that I care deeply, every time we talk or I see him, I feel it, see in his eyes what I know is mirrored in mine, just want to touch him or be close to him, flirt and have fun. It's not that I think this is my last shot at love, but how much heartache can one person stand?[/QUOTE]

(((hugs))) to you cinting. I hate to see you still struggling with this, but I agree with Avon as well. Not that I'm an expert. I know how hard it is to keep that balance. I still haven't mastered it. But lloking back with so many years of hindsight, my one biggest regret in my one old relationship is how hard I tried to hang onto it, and what a sap I was when I thought it was ending, and how I just didn't want to let it go. If I could go back and do anything different, I would have had the strength to have just walked away sooner. I know how hard it is to see someone you really cared about as "just a guy" especially when your biological clock is ticking so loud it keeps you awake and you just want to hurry up and find the love of your life, your soul mate, the man who will be your husband and father to your kids, the man who will be so much more than "just a guy." But as hard as it is, we have to face the truth sometimes. This situation seems particularly troubling to me because this guy is so strange. He says all these wonderful things, and makes it sound like he could really love you, but for some reason, just doesn't seem to WANT to. He's a total head scratcher and I don't blame you one bit for being so confused. But when someone else's confusion is messing up your life to such a degree, sometimes it's better to just step back and say "hey, I really care for you, I think we could have something great, and I don't know why you don't want to try, but when you've cleared up your confusion and other issues, call me. If I'm free, I'll answer, but right now, for my own sanity, I have to move on with my life."

I now it's only natural to try to avoid pain, and to want to work things out, and it's tempting to want to stay on that string and keep dangling, hoping he'll rescue you and just come around and love you. But I think you've made your position pretty clear with him, and he is still confused and whatnot. You don't feel good about keeping him just as a friend and taking a wait and see stand. So what other options are there? Life is short, to short to let someone else muck it up with their uncertainty and confusion. I wish I had better adivce for you on just how to take care of yourself and put yourself first and life happily no matter what some guy wants or doesn't want, but I'm still working on that myself. I'm in it with you, cinting. At least you're not alone, I can offer you that much. But I know at least this much - if someone makes you feel bad, you can either allow it, or change your behavior and reactions to do something about it. :wave:





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