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Fantasy vs Reality
Apr 1, 2006
This problem that I have embarrasses me so much...words almost cannot express. It would be different it I were thirteen or something, but I am twenty-three, an all sounds really silly but I feel terribly ashamed.

Until the beginning of this week, my life was going along fine. Not amazing, but fine. I have a job that I like just fine, and a boyfriend who is wonderful and I love wholeheartedly. The past few months I have had this routine of working, being picked up by my boyfriend, and spending the morning with him, usually reading. I was content.

Then on Monday morning, while my boyfriend was taking a nap, I got bored and decided to check out what kind of movies were on digital cable, something I never watch. I found this one movie that I saw once a few years ago, and liked okay at the time. It was the only thing on that appeared interesting, so I gave it a go.

I don't know how it happened, but the movie really struck a chord in me. Now I watch it every single day. The first few days it seemed I had been lifted out of my depression and sent soaring, then over the past few days the movie has caused me to crash into a more extreme depression than I have ever experienced in my life. Here is the thing. I developed an intense, high-school girl level crush on the lead actor. Even as a teenager, I was never one for gushing over famous people. Not at all. But I have become totally obsessed with this movie. It is ALL I can think about. All night long at work it is the only thing on my mind. I replay scenes from it over and over again in my mind. I can't get the songs from the movie out of my head, either.

What really worries me is that this movie has caused me to change how I feel and act toward my boyfriend. Even though I know - I KNOW - this is just a movie, full of actors, not real people, I have began judging my boyfriend very harshly. I feel like the lead actor is the most beautiful man I ever laid eyes on, and everything about him - his personality, sense of humor, just everything - makes my heart melt. So I get angry at my boyfriend for all the ways he is different.

It seems like all of the things that subconsciously bother me about my boyfriend have bubbled to the surface. It feels so nice to disappear into a fantasy world for an hour and a half. But the thing is that it is not nice...because when the movie is over I am left with a feeling of utter dispair and hopelessness. Seeing what I wished my life could be like, with a person who seems so magical to be with just haunts me. Now I cry all the time, have lost my apetite, and feel like I've fallen into more of a void than ever.

I know that no one here is a psychologist (that I know of) but why is a simple MOVIE having such an extreme effect on me?? The fact that I am not truly happy with my own life is not secret...seeing this movie makes me think of how much seems to be missing from my own life. Passion. Fun. Excitement.

Is it that something inside me is telling me that I want something more, or something different in my life? Or should I just stop watching this movie, just ban it from my life, and try my hardest to accept what I have and love my boyfriend as he is, not as my fantasies dictate a man should be?

I am a person who gets into the habit of finding a movie I love and watching it continously until it gets old. But never has a film had such deleterious effect on me. It seems when I watch it my heart first cries out and then silently shrivels as the pain becomes too intense - the pain of watching what has always been a dream of mine being played out before my eyes by other people. I mean, I keep watching it partly in hopes that the intensity will fade out, and I can view it without becoming upset. But so far, no good.

Any insight? It's okay to think I'm crazy...I'm beginning to suspect that myself.

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