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A little background about me first. I'm a 33 male, from the UK, who has been single for about 6 years now. Had 2 long term relationships in the past, the last one was around 7 years ago. There were a couple of love interests shortly after, but I didn't feel ready and regretably ended them after a short time. Ever since then I decided it best that I stay single until I'm sure that I'm ready for another commitment rather than risk hurting anyone I may get involved with.

Eventually I got used to my own company, being single and living an uncomplicated life, with work and hobbies keeping me busy the majority of the time. After a few years I didn't really miss having someone in my life, though I would feel the loneliness quite often, especially at weekends. But I had became very content with how things were otherwise, and I had no real motivation to find love again. In the back of my mind though, I always had a little hope that maybe it would find me.

Well it did..kind of.

I met this girl, a 27 year old living in Norway, about a year ago, in a online game we used to play (the last place I expected to meet anyone!), where we hit it off immediately. We ended up doing more talking than playing, though mostly on MSN after we decided we should keep in contact outside the game.

Apart from the game we used to play, we discovered we had so many similar interests, same values, same kind of humour..just very similar people, and we are both sensitive and open. We really did click right from the begining. But still, neither of us expected anything more at that point, and we took things slow, enjoying our new friendship..We quickly discovered how effortless it was for us to make each other laugh, smile and just feel good. Over the following months our friendship inevitably became closer, deeper..we started talking for longer, sometimes until the early hours if it was a Friday or weekend, never running out of things to say.

After about 2 months, I couldn't help but become curious about her in a romantic sense. I already knew she was single, and had been for a few months. But I decided to ignore these feelings for a while at least, it would have been far too early and unrealistic to go there, especially since we hadn't even seen any photos of each other. She also explained to me that she suffered depression since she was a teenager, although she coped with it quite well, I wanted to be extra careful with her. I let her control the pace.

It used to make me giggle, how often we would type the same thing at the same time, then laugh about it after..and we always seemed to sense how the other person was feeling, to an extent, even though all we could see were words. I thought this was wonderful, and so did she. At one point around this time, I decided to open up to her about my feelings, I wrote her an email explaining that I was developing a romantic interest and asked how she felt about that. She told me that she only wanted a friend right now, not because she wasn't interested..but just that she wanted to find her independence and take a break after her last relationship, which I completely understood.

I'm going to skip ahead many months now. But basically over the following months, we became very, very close. At this point we would speak on the phone occasionally (her idea), but mostly online still. We would often communicate on a deep level, discussing our hopes and dreams, and shared things we never even told other people. We both felt that this was a special friendship, we felt like soulmates, and made a pact that we would never lose contact with each other, no matter what happens. Oh, and we finally swapped photos. My 'romantic' feelings were still there, growing stronger, but I kept them to myself. I feared another rejection should I let them be known again.

In October last year she visited the UK with her dad (he has friends here), and she was very keen for us to meet in person. So we did, and it was very nice, but we had very little time together..we both barely got over the nervous feelings before we had to part again.

Over Nov/Dec last year her conversations with me began to involve talk about her needs for romance in her life, she was begining to feel quite lonely and unwanted, as did I. In fact my own feelings of loneliness and need for someone had become very strong over this time. Although she seemed reluctant to speak about 'us' and the possibilities, she would often drop hints like 'I wish I could find a guy as good as you..' or 'Sometimes I imagine I lived there with you in England, and we were in a relationship.' and 'Maybe we will end up together in the future, married etc'. She would also very often mention about spending time together, another holiday but to spend that time soley with each other.

Obviously around this time I felt that the risk of getting rejected again was negligable, so I took that risk. I decided to be completely open about my feelings, I told her that I think about her all the time, that I think I may be falling in love with her..but that I can't be sure because our situation, I had to be sensible about it all. She basically told me the same, she has romantic feelings also, and she thinks about me very much.

So we discussed what to do, we agreed that either way we need to start spending time together. Both of us were very concerned about the risks, and the complications. At one point we even dropped the whole idea based purely on our deep respect for each other, we were both scared of screwing things up..and this was a huge step. But we finally settled on trying, rather than maybe finding 2-3 years down the line we are still wondering about it all..and as she said to me once, it already feels like we are in a relationship together..we are just missing everything physical.

I had to really dig deep into myself around this time. I cared for her a great deal, and respected her more than I've respected anyone. I had to be completely sure of myself that I could do the right thing by her. I had to think forward and ask myself if I could spend the rest of my life with this person if things went ok, I had to be sure I could commit completely, and sacrifice what I have here to live and work in Norway. These were not easy decisions..The last thing I would want is to mess her around, so I asked myself these serious questions..the answer was, I would do it all. I was prepared and determined. If she wanted commitment, she would get it.

Over the xmas holiday we talked an incredible amount, over 2 days that I remember well, we actually racked up about 30 hours on the phone (Skype I mean, otherwise I would be bankrupt by now)..we really couldn't get enough of speaking to each other. We talked about a holiday, and I decided to book a 5 day holiday to Norway in Feburary. I said that I would book a hotel or b&b, but she insisted I stay with her. So everything was arranged.

February came, I don't think I've ever been so excited in my life..it was scary, but so exciting. I went there with the mind of not expecting too much too soon, the idea was for us both to just enjoy each others company and not to take everything too seriously straight away, but we both agreed also there should be no 'line' we can't cross IF things go that way.

Well things went well for the first 3 days, we really did enjoy each others company. We talked a lot, went out visiting various places together..did a lot of walking. A couple of evenings we would just got out for a walk in the snow, she would show me around, and we would just talk and laugh. Everything seemed to go just fine, we treated each other as friends only, which was fun and neither of us felt the need to rush anything. But I felt something strange while we were together, I can't quite explain it..but it was like an invisible barrier between us, preventing us from touching..I've never experienced that before, but I assumed it was just that we were both a little nervous still and so didn't pay much attention to it. There was something else too, when we were talking to each other in her flat, I got bad vibes from her.. she would rarely hold eye contact for long and would often look downwards. I'm no expert on body language, but this bothered me. She wasn't like this when we met before. Needless to say I had some concerns about her feelings toward me..

Well on the morning of the 3rd day she verified my concerns. She sat down and asked me if I was ok, I said I was..but she knew something was bothering me, I knew what was coming..and I so didn't want to hear it.

She told me that she owes me an apology, she just wants to be friends after all and that she is sorry for messing me around. I was devastated. I was in love with this girl, completely..I only needed this time with her to confirm that, for both of us. But for her the opposite seemed to happen, it confirmed that she didn' have those feelings after all. I tried to hide how crushed I was at the time, actually that wasn't so hard..for the next 2 days I was in a daze anyway. I felt very numb, but I did my best to act ok. Though she knew I was hurting.

Her reasons? She told me various reasons for her rejection. She explained that she still had feelings for her ex boyfriend, and that she feels that has affected/prevented her feelings for me. But that she wasn't planning on getting back with him. Also she is taller than me..not by a great deal, but she prefers guys taller than her. To be honest though, I feel that is a lame excuse..and we had already met previously.

Well the next 2 days were kind of foggy, I can't even remember finding may around the airport..but somehow I managed it. I expect she was glad I was finally gone, I was feeling pretty low the last day..add to that the fact that I hadn't slept for 2 days straight.





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