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[QUOTE=MysteriousGuy]Fabat....it's called realistic thinking, not negative thinking. Out of your shiny, wealthy area, people deal with reality everyday of violences, rapes, abuses, etc and have to deal with it everyday. The world isn't beautiful as it used to be, at least not as violence and of course that will affect the way you preceive the world for waht it is. If its negative realistic thinking, so be it.


And I forgot about you being unattached for a while.[/QUOTE]


MG,

I spent most of my day with a young woman who's my little sister in a Big Sister, Little Sister program... she lives in the housing projects in San Francisco and yes, some people call it "the ghetto"... reality can't be more in your face than when I drive down the streets there to pick her up so I can expose her to a different type of life where she can see the possibilities as long as hard work and education can be put into motion... Spike Lee even made a movie there about 2 years ago because it's so bad.

I serve food to the shut ins and homeless and some have thrown food back at me. I've had desparate people rob me because they need to pawn something to feed their babies or their habits... can't get any realistic than that. But I refuse to look at the negative. I promised myself that when I become successful, I will help the ones who have less than me.

I could go on and on... but like i said, you need to open your mind a little bit more and be less judgemental of someone who's made it out of the bottom.
I believe in giving back... and if there are more people who thinks and acts like me... the world would change and become a better place.

But you and a lot of people choose to think this way... it would take more than just a board...
.
[QUOTE=SophiaM] No happilly attached person will understand it unless they lose what they had and cherished so much.[/QUOTE]

Not even then, Sophia, because even if they lost it all tomorrow, they'd still know what it was like to have had it, at least for a while, at least once in their life.

I can relate to you and Crimson as well. And I'll add that yes, I've experienced everything Crimson mentioned as well, but even if I didn't, it's not even other people. I really don't care what other people care about me so much. I know there are lots of single people who are single, childless and HAPPY, and that's the key. For me, what makes it so awful is not the looks and comments from other people. The real problem is the ache I feel in my arms, all over my body when I come home from a stressful day and have no one to hug or hold. When I have no one to cook for or sit down to dinner with and laugh and talk with and share my day with. How I climb into bed alone and never get to have sex. How my uterus actually tugs at me whenever I see a baby and can't hold my own in my arms and rock him/her to sleep. To me, these are the things that make life worth the bother of living.

I'm lucky in lots of ways, I have my health, I have a nice apartment that I got at a really great rent with great southern exposure, a cool job that I love. And I'd give it all up in a heartbeat for a family of my own, to find a home in someone's heart, to be loved and accepted and find my real home here on earth and to know that I won't go to my grave having to say that I was never loved, to have the warmth of loving arms to fall into, to change poopie diapers and give baths and read betime stories, bake cookies and plan menus, not to mention the regular sex (yes I know marriage is HARDLY a guarantee of regular sex, but the chances are better when you have your spouse lying next to you than it is when you're alone!). I mean at the end of the day, we do have to be positive and search for the silver lining, because what's the alternative? But I know how hard it can be. It can affect every aspect of your life. Sometimes I have a really hard time doing my job well, as much as I enjoy it, my boss is always riding me about my energy level, but it's hard to be chipper and upbeat when you've cried yourself to sleep all night. And it's the knowing that no matter how much I try to make out of my single life, living it up, vacationing, going out, volunteering, etc., I still will never have gotten to live a truly FULL, real life of having a trustworthy companion and raising children. I just need it, not because I choose to need it, any more than I choose to need water. I just need it to really feel like I had a purpose, a reason for having been born. Beleive me, I've done everything else, travel, dream chasing, striving and succeeding at work, volunteering, and nothing else does it. I just never felt as at home anywhere as I did in the arms of the man I loved and who I thought loved me. Some people just feel that way about it. I'll never buy that it's a choice. I know myself better than anyone ever will, and I know beyond any doubt that I didn't choose to feel this way about being alone.
[QUOTE=Fabat40]Fight the negative Sophia... it was hard to me at first, it became easier and easier until it became a habit. It took me a very long time and a lot of self-questions... I was thrown with so many negative thoughts and taunts and people and events in my life, but I fought it... I was divorced with a 1 year old baby and $30 to my name... the only time I look back is when I gauge how far I've come. I wish nothing but good things for you in life and I hope you find the happiness you're looking for. You and I only know each other through pseudonym, but fight the negatives. I was and still unsure about relationships sometimes, but I'm taking a chance on this one and hope it works out... there are very few guarantees in life and marriage is not one of them.

I hope you take that one piece of advice and I hope you fight the negatives... you are a fighter. You'd been through hell and being raised with a mother like yours, it doesn't take a wimp to come out of that life and be a responsible human being... you are a fighter. Life will always throw you an obstacle, it's up to you to jump over them.

Good luck kiddo.... it's a lion's den out there. Just look at this board.

Okay, coffee's wearing off. :D

.[/QUOTE]

Hi Fabat--good morning :) I like reading your posts because they're very encouraging, and your example gives me hope that even after a lot of struggles and challenges in life, one can still come out on top. And it's very admirable what you're doing for the underprivileged kids and poor people. Yes, I am a fighter. I don't know why, but I always knew that the life I was living as a child with my mother was not the kind of life I deserved or meant to have. It felt "wrong" to be born into this family; I felt like god must have made a mistake or something LOL. But it did affect me negatively in many ways and I'm a late bloomer as a result. Although perhaps I wouldn't have as much motivation if I were raised in different circumstances--who really knows? I mean, when I think about it objectively, I was raised in a family of very modest means, with a divorced, angry mother who took out her life's frustrations on me, was told I am worth nothing and will amount to nothing, called horrible names, etc., and yet I managed to put myself through college and graduate with honors and now am studying at a prestigeous university and doing very well. So that is definitely something I am proud of, but the funny thing is, I often have a selective thinking and don't even notice any of my accomplishments. Instead, I feel like at my age, I should be more established in life and more successful. I'm in huge debt now because of the graduate school and because I'm living by myself, and that is very scary to me. Hopefully I'll be able to get out of it somehow after I start working full time in my field. I have no idea how in the world you were able to support yourself and your child AND to go on and become so successful in life. That's really, really amazing!

I recall you mentioned some inspirational books that helped you. I wonder which ones. I am always interested in reading something that's uplifting, without being "fake." I think it's ok to mention book titles here, since so many people were talking about the "He's just not into you" and "Why men love (w)itches" books and it was perfectly fine. Moderator, could you please clarify for us if it's allowed here to mention book titles?
[QUOTE=SophiaM] Yes, I am a fighter. I don't know why, but I always knew that the life I was living as a child with my mother was not the kind of life I deserved or meant to have. It felt "wrong" to be born into this family; I felt like god must have made a mistake or something LOL. But it did affect me negatively in many ways and I'm a late bloomer as a result. Although perhaps I wouldn't have as much motivation if I were raised in different circumstances--who really knows? I mean, when I think about it objectively, I was raised in a family of very modest means, with a divorced, angry mother who took out her life's frustrations on me, was told I am worth nothing and will amount to nothing, called horrible names, etc., and yet I managed to put myself through college and graduate with honors and now am studying at a prestigeous university and doing very well. So that is definitely something I am proud of, but the funny thing is, I often have a selective thinking and don't even notice any of my accomplishments. Instead, I feel like at my age, I should be more established in life and more successful. I'm in huge debt now because of the graduate school and because I'm living by myself, and that is very scary to me. Hopefully I'll be able to get out of it somehow after I start working full time in my field. I have no idea how in the world you were able to support yourself and your child AND to go on and become so successful in life. That's really, really amazing!

I recall you mentioned some inspirational books that helped you. I wonder which ones. I am always interested in reading something that's uplifting, without being "fake." I think it's ok to mention book titles here, since so many people were talking about the "He's just not into you" and "Why men love (w)itches" books and it was perfectly fine. Moderator, could you please clarify for us if it's allowed here to mention book titles?[/QUOTE]


Hi Sophia,

I could write down all of my obstacles I had hurdled such as living in a 1 bedroom, - renting a room in a house, in the housing projects. LOL It was such a miserable time, but that was all I could afford at the time. Hearing gun shots in the middle of the night was a normal event. My son and I who was a baby back then had to sleep on the floor in case a bullet comes flying into the window. LOL but my story is long and boring. LMAO! I'll spare you that story hon. You'd been through enough crap. HAHAHA!

But here are some books I'd read that has and still help me till this day. I need a reminder once in a while and I crack them open whenever I feel I need the help from the wise words written between the pages.

The Road Less Traveled - my 2nd bible right after my old pink one :D

Personhood, The Art of Being Fully Human. I like Leo Buscaglia's books because he also teaches the art of "giving back". You'll understand when you become successful Sophia. :D

Living, Loving, Learning - another fav of mine from Dr. Buscaglia

10 Secrets to Success and Inner Peace - Wayne Dyer This book has helped me a lot, it's like an instruction book for finding inner peace in such a chaotic world. I crack open the pages on this book a lot. I still need to remind myself once in a while. LOL

There are plenty more, but I don't want to overwhelm you especially with your school and all.

When I graduated, I was in debt too, as I recall, I had an $80K debt and nothing to show for... not even a car. LOL I took public transporation a lot in the early years... and on weekends, my son and I hung out in the public library because it was clean, safe and free. LOL I think that's why my son is so well-read and he speaks 7 languages fluently. One of the giant internet search engine here that starts with a "Y" tried to hire him as an intern, but I didn't want him to forget about his studies... so he turned them down. They like the idea that he speaks, reads and write 7 different languages and that's always an asset. :D but I worked so hard Sophia because I was "hungry"... hungry to get out of the life we had. I was tired of feeling helpless, hopeless, sad, insecure, vulnerable... you name it. As a woman, I saw that we are still not as equal to men in the work force and that just pisses me off. LOL But I was also tired of being "empty". I had to re-condition my thinking a lot until the habit of thinking the way I do now has been enforced and became second nature. It took a long time to get out of that way of thinking... I'm not saying it's easy, but you're such a determined person. But the decision to change is ultimately up to the person. Like an alcoholic, the first thing that a person must admit is that you have a problem. BTW, that' also a good book to read. :)

You are a strong woman Sophia and I think you don't pat yourself enough on the back for all the horrible things that has happened to you... look at you, you're doing something wonderful and positive, you're educating yourself and hon, that's not an easy task. I have read some of your posts and I thought, "this girl doesn't even recognize her talents, her achievements and her kind heart". Your mother is such an unlucky woman to miss out on such a great human being that she'd given birth to.



Good luck kiddo. :D
[QUOTE=opielonghorn]btw sophia, if you're interested in additions to your book list, i would recommend 'the magic of believing'. it's a little outdated (they speculate about how great it would be to put a man on the moon), and a little bit business-oriented, but the message is really good. also, 'the glass castle' which is a memoir (not self-help) that for some reason left me feeling like just about anything is possible. oh, and any tony robbins, as cheesy as that sounds.[/QUOTE]

Thank you Opie--of course I'm interested. Don't know about Tony Robbins, though--the man annoys me to no end--he seems fake for some reason. LOL

But I agree with you that a lot of times what we think is being "realistic" is actually being pessimistic. It's hard to recognize sometimes because it's usually a subconscious pattern of thought and reactions that we have engrained in us probably since childhood. It must be hard to change that, but obviously not impossible, from your example. I'm at a point where I'm really tired of feeling lonely and often miserable, and I want to get to a point where I'm actually enjoying my life, even as a single woman. Also, it's very true what you said about not caring too much about what people think of you. I have a good friend who told me the same thing, and she truly doesn't care what anyone thinks of her, to a large degree at least. She's had one of the most interesting lives I know about. She is capable of doing things no "realistic" person would have the courage to do and yet she always ends up not only ok, but very happy in the process.
[QUOTE=SophiaM] I have a good friend who told me the same thing, and she truly doesn't care what anyone thinks of her, to a large degree at least. She's had one of the most interesting lives I know about. She is capable of doing things no "realistic" person would have the courage to do and yet she always ends up not only ok, but very happy in the process.[/QUOTE]

i know the type you are talking about. i used to look at people like that and feel so jealous. i would think, how do they just get to do whatever they want? but now that i am doing exactly that, i have had people say to me that they are jealous of my life! which makes me laugh every time. that reminds me of my other favorite quote which i've written here before: you must do the thing you think you cannot do. i love that one and try to live by it as best as i can.

i know what you mean about things being ingrained. i had a really weird and somewhat depressing childhood, and never really thought anything was possible. it's such an insanely hard mindset to shake.

ha, tony robbins is a bit much! that's for sure.
[QUOTE=opielonghorn]i know the type you are talking about. i used to look at people like that and feel so jealous. i would think, how do they just get to do whatever they want? but now that i am doing exactly that, i have had people say to me that they are jealous of my life! which makes me laugh every time. that reminds me of my other favorite quote which i've written here before: you must do the thing you think you cannot do. i love that one and try to live by it as best as i can.[/QUOTE]

Yes, I've often felt envious of my friend--not in a bad way, but feeling like I wanted to experience some of the things she did too, but didn't have the guts to go for it. But it must be somewhere in me on some level because otherwise I don't think how we could become friends. I've known her for 14 years and we lost touch with each other several times (she moved and lived in a few different coutnries so far, so it can be hard to keep track! ;) ), but we always somehow find each other again. Sometimes by a miracle, literally--if I told you one story of how we got back in touch once, with not having each other's address or any info, and her living on a different continent, you would never believe it but it's too long for now. Anyway, I think that kind of life requires not only a lot of courage but also a huge amount of trust in the "Universe" and an unconventional mind. My friend had amazing, loving parents, siblings, and a very happy childhood from what she described, so she seems to have always had the self confidence and very little fear to go after what she wants. It must be more difficult to get to this point when you haven't received such support and such an encouraging environment, so I think you should be especially proud of yourself for overcoming all the obstacles and the ingrained patterns, and becoming free to be who you really want to be. I'm not there yet; I have a huge amount of fear, but hopefully slowly I'll be able to get over it. Love your quote, btw!
RogueFox,
You spoke my exact mind. I was married and dumped suddenly nearly 10 years ago. I've stayed single ever since. I've dated a lot..just didn't let anyone in. I pushed many people away after getting so comfortable living alone. It gets hard to let someone in. Probably also is unconcious fear from what happened with the ex so suddenly with no warning whatsoever. So fear of letting someone in perhaps. But I really liked my schedule, doing my thing, etc. But I have worried about the same exact thing. Getting old, no kids, and being old with no one to help me, take care of me, love me etc. when my parents are gone etc. I have a sister and neice..but a neice is not like a child with being there for an elderly parent. So I worry about the exact same thing. I am about your age. I am in a relationship now..for less than a year and I have pushed it away at times. It's hard getting used to letting someone in once you have been alone so long. But I am working on it because this person is special. We've had rough times, but I know that's normal in relationships. But I still get scared sometimes since I really didn't mind being alone at all..liked it. But I want children and a family. So you can't get that goal alone. So I know your exact feelings. They plague me too. I am not getting any younger either. So you are not alone on those feelings!
[QUOTE=SecretAgent2]But I want children and a family. So you can't get that goal alone. So I know your exact feelings. They plague me too. I am not getting any younger either. So you are not alone on those feelings![/QUOTE]

Same here. I'm that age as well, and I get these feelings too. At least you're in a relationship now, so hopefully things will keep progressing and you will start trusting again and have a chance at a happy future with this guy. I am not in a relationship, nor do I know anyone I could potentially be in a relationship with. I try to stay optimistic, but some days are just tough. It's hard to watch other women younger than me plan their weddings and talk about their boyfriends and husbands. I feel like I'm missing my boat and it's kind of sad. So yeah, I relate too. Time goes by so fast--it's really weird. Sometimes I can't believe I'm not 24 anymore....LOL.





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