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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


I see a lot of people who are understandably frustrated and upset about being unattached. Being engaged (and nope, I'm not pouring salt on your wounds, I'm just trying to put something out there), what is wrong with being unattached?

And why do people stay in a relationship that's abusive and neglectful?
co-dependency!
I wouldn't stay in a relationship that is abusive. Rather, it is better to be happy than tp be with someone who chokes my spirit.
I've been unattached since last summer, and it feels great. Right now, I don't desire a relationship, nor do I have time for anyone. When I'm not working, there's always laundry and things to do around the house. I have pets. I assist a couple of family members. My son and I get along great, so I don't want to spend my weekends away from him. Being in a relationship drains one emotionally.....look at all of us 'complaining' about them. I don't need anything else on my mind or in my schedule.
[QUOTE]And why do people stay in a relationship that's abusive and neglectful?[/QUOTE]

I think it has a lot to do with inertia. I know I've stayed in relationships long past the expiration date just because I was so used to the person, and had gotten so comfortable with them that I could not imagine would it would be like to be on my again. And staying with someone who was not too good for me seemed preferable to going out into the unknown, and meeting new people. A lot of people are just so scared of change...even when they know it will more than likely be positive.
My guess is "Misery loves company." :D

wb
There's nothing wrong with being unattached, just as long as you're not afraid of attachment. What I do disagree with is the idea that a relationship is emotionally draining. I think people who've had bad experiences too often generalize about relationships when the real problem was the people they were with. That's like saying all jobs are lousy just because every job you've had was lousy. Despite having bad relationships in the past, I remain hopeful and choose not to think of relationships in general as being bad or emotionally draining. At the same time, I would never choose to be with someone just because I was afraid of being alone.
If you had asked me this a couple of years ago, I would probably say there's nothing wrong with it. I got so used to being by myself, concentrating on my career and hobbies etc that I rarely thought about finding someone, although I still felt lonely and useless at times.

Looking back now I really wish I hadn't let so many years pass by, about 6 -7 years ago was my last serious relationship. I'm nearly 34 now, and finding someone at this age seems even more difficult, I'm not sure why..I was a lot more active/social back then, so maybe that's why.

My point is, if you allow enough time and if you keep yourself occupied I think you will reach a stage like me where you become perfectly content being unattached, it becomes very easy..and you may even push people away if you do feel them getting close.

I have regrets now, not big ones..but regrets nonetheless. If I could go back, I would do things much differently. There's no reason why I couldn't have concentrated on my career and everything AND kept looking for someone. Time can breeze by so fast, and so easy if you allow it. My biggest fear is that one day I will be 60 or 70 years old, alone and forgotten about. I'll look back and wonder where all the time went, why I never got married, or had kids..that scares the hell out of me.

I refuse to become used to the idea of being alone. Life is way too short, and I plan to hang onto my drive to find someone special, because I'll never feel truly complete or happy without that. Love is the most amazing thing we can experience, nothing else compares to it in my opinion.
Out to Lunch, I guess you're right. I should say, relationships CAN be emotionally draining. That HAS been my experience. Then again, with so many people on message boards, it sounds like a lot of people have unhappy relationships. I'm glad that I feel I don't NEED to be with a man.
If there is a choice to be unattached or in a bad relationship is better be unattached.
People stayed in bad relationships 'cause of kids, financial dependency and so on.
I think the grass always looks greener on the other side.
I try to convince myself that I am happy being on my own. I'm happy being single and able to do whatever I want without needing anyone's approval.
But really, I miss cuddleing :(
I miss having someone who actually cares about what I do. I don't care what anyone says...Its more fun planning a future with someone than it is planning a future by myself... I rather make sacrafices and comprimises in order to share my life with someone rather than to be selfish and do as I please. Although I keep trying to convince myself otherwise...
Maybe some day I'll feel differently, but that will only be because off bitterness from getting hurt one too many times.

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with being unattached... But there is also nothing wrong with wanting to be attached and feeling lonely because you're not.
For women, I think hormones also play a role as well. The are certain times in the month when all I have to do is see a baby, or even a pregnant woman and I start to cry (haha-what a nerd I am!). I think its genetic or something... I was born to be a wife and a mom and I won't feel complete until I am. Don't get me worng, I also care deeply about my education, career, and other relationships. But, I know that alone won't be enough for me and its scary to think that its really all out of my hands.

Plus, us women constantly have that damn clock ticking in the back of our minds...
And if we don't here it, there's always a lovely family member to remind of us it... :rolleyes:
My cousin just had a baby girl and the other day my mom was going through all of the baby things that she has collected throughout the years.
I asked her what she was doing and she said "well, I think I'll send this to (my cousin) since I won't be having any grandchildren any time soon"...
Geez, I'm not even 26 yet!!! Mothers.... :rolleyes:
there is absolutley nothing wrong with being unattached. If someone is happier unattached then they need to be unattached.

Sometimes I think people bend to the pressure of society to be "coupled", and some people are co-dependent, and there are some people who just want and need to be loved and to love in return.
[QUOTE=Fabat40]I see a lot of people who are understandably frustrated and upset about being unattached. Being engaged (and nope, I'm not pouring salt on your wounds, I'm just trying to put something out there), what is wrong with being unattached?

And why do people stay in a relationship that's abusive and neglectful?[/QUOTE]

Regarding the issue of why people stay in abusive or neglectful relationships, if you really are interested in knowing the answer to that, there's an excellent book called Men Who Hate Women And The Women Who Love Them by Dr. Susan Forward that explains it all. It's a very well written, thoroughly researched book that took a lot of unwarranted ribbing, but it all makes perfect sense. In a nutshell, women who find themselves in abusive relationships usually come from abusive homes where they witnessed their father beating up on their mom, or vise versa, and they identified with the abused parent. Sometimes they themselves are abused, either physically or sexually, emotionally or a combination of the above, by a parent, a family member, a teacher, a neighbor, or someone. They then come to view the world that way. they 1) don't believe anything else really exists, and 2) if it did, they don't believe they deserve any better. They also get caught in a cycle of wanting to return to the past in order to fix it. They pick a man who is just like dad, who beats them, yells at them, abuses them just like dad did, and they subconsciously think that if they can get this man to love them, then it's like getting the love from the father they never could win over. They can prove to themselves that their love is "good" and worth something, that their love is something someone actually wants, and it wasn't their fault after all that dad/brother/uncle whoever abused them, because see, here's someone just like dad/brother/uncle whoever, and I got them to stop abusing me and I won them over, so I'm not so bad after all. It's a very complicated dynamic, and I'm sure I've given you much more than you probably wanted to know, but there it is.

As for what's so wrong with being unattached? It depends on the quality and duration of the unattachment. Statistically speaking, the Journal of Sex Research says doctors from Georgia State University found that folks who are involuntarily celibate are frequently afflicted with feelings of anger, frustration, self-doubt and even depression -- all invariably linked to living without sex. According to psychological science, handholding is an important de-stressing tool. When a married woman under extreme stress reaches out and touches her husband’s hand, her brain shows changes in areas involved in registering emotional and physical alarm. Women get significantly more relief from a husband’s touch than from the touch of a stranger. The ones who get the most relief are those in particularly close marriages. When you are alone, you don't get to de-stress as well. And the Mayo clinic just came out with saying statistically, people who are happily married live longer than do their single counterparts. They have lower rates of heart failure, cancer and other diseases and develop tighter networks of emotional support. According to one Harvard University study, married women are 20 percent less likely than are single women to die of a variety of causes, including heart disease, suicide and cirrhosis of the liver.

But I think you can answer that question yourself if you don't buy the scientific data of loneliness. For a consecutive 48 hour period, make a mental note, as it happnes, every single time you hug, touch, caress, kiss, make love with, or in any other way come into physical contact with your fiance and make a mental note, as it happens, of how it feels, what happens to your tension and stress and any anxieties you may have been hanging onto from the work day or whatever. Also make a mental note, as it happens, of every time you speak to, look into the eyes of, laugh with, or otherwise communicate with your fiance, and as it happens, make a mental note of what you're communicating about, whether it be him making you feel better about something bad that happened or you getting the satisfaction of nurturing by doing the same for him, or making the wedding plans and feeling the excitement of planning out your future, etc. and how it feels and what you're getting out of it, physically, physiologically, mentally and emotionally. Then make a mental note of every time you have a thought about your wedding day, the dress, the music, the food, or if you're going simple, the justice of the peace, the license, how you're going to go about it, the honeymoon if there will be one, all the plans, and what it will mean for the rest of your life, and how you feel about it. Then remind yourself "there are people who have gone their entire lives without having any of this, who have never once in their lives experienced any of this, and never will." Then ask yourself again what's so bad about being unattached and you will have your answer.
there is nothing inherently wrong with being unattached, or being attached for that matter. i'm imagining your question is actually more rhetorical than literal. maybe you're asking why the people who are unattached THINK that there is something wrong. in that case, i can only say what i always say: that the situation is mostly defined by the individual's perception of it. negativity and bitterness perpetuates itself. i feel somewhat privileged to live each day the way that i do, alone or not, but i know that chronic depression can shade that view for others.
Sometimes women stay in abusive relationships because they love the guy.
Because it's not awful all the time.
Sometimes they stay not because they were abused but because the person who is abusing them was abused - and the woman hopes that her love will change the person she is with.
None of this ever changes the fact that she should leave.
She knows that - and she will stay until she does finally leave - or until she is beaten so far down that she cannot.
[QUOTE=tenagain]there is absolutley nothing wrong with being unattached. If someone is happier unattached then they need to be unattached.

Sometimes I think people bend to the pressure of society to be "coupled", and some people are co-dependent, and there are some people who just want and need to be loved and to love in return.[/QUOTE]

At the same time, there are people who feel the need to be nonconformists. I'm not saying everyone who likes being unattached falls into this category. But there are definitely people who fit this profile. They feel like being in a couple is selling out. There's also this notion that independence can only be achieved if you're alone and some people are just afraid to ever feel like they're dependent on anyone. Again, not generalizing. Just saying there are people like this.
Thank you everybody for your responses and insight. I truly appreciate it.

I wanted to put this question out there because I'm a "Big Sister" to this young girl. I'm part of that program that takes kids who are in disadvantage situations and give them a chance to take a look at what "success" is so they can have that exposure rather than being exposed to their current way of life. This young girl that I'm a big sis to is brilliant. She lives in the housing projects here in the San Francisco Bay area and her mother is your typical drug addicted, irresponsible, going from one men to another, neglectful, you name anything negative and it describes this poor young girls mother.

Her school counselor put her in the Big Sister, Little Sister program and we were matched together 2 years ago or so. I care for this girl, she's like the daughter I didn't have and when she's exposed to that kind of environment every day, I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I wish I could wisk her away from all of that. I got her a cell phone so she can call me anytime day or night to talk or in case of an emergency. She called me the other night telling me that she's interested in this one guy at school, and I know this young punk (guy) she's interested in is trouble and I don't want my little sis to get involved... and this little girl's mother is selfish and no help because she exposes different men every month to her children without thinking about the consequences and the influence she has on her kids. We got into the conversation of being alone and doing what's right and studying and get out of the life she's born into and make something of herself like go to college. I promised to pay for her college anywhere she decides to go. Then she threw that question to me, "Why would anybody want to be alone?" WHOA! :eek: I was speechless! HAHAHA! I couldn't give her an answer to where she'd understand. She's only 15 and I don't want to give her the wrong answer. I told her that we'll talk about that subject in person when I see her this Saturday to take her to the art museum and lunch and shopping. I love taking her shopping! LOL I wanted to tell her something that would get into her head and I thank all of you for your answers. I will print your postings and give them to her so she would understand. Sometimes, I'm just not good at explaining things.

I hope everybody's having a good day. You guys just helped a young girl.

I also want to thank whoever invented this board. :D

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Kudos to you for being a Big Sis mentor to this girl--she is very fortunate to have such a good role model. I'm sure you have helped her in so many ways. What a sad, sad, situation for this child/teen!!!
Maybe you could tell her that there is a difference in being unattached and being lonely. That being alone doesn't mean not having friends, going out and dating. Tell her that being alone is her opportunity to get to know herself and what she wants out of life, BEFORE she has to spend time getting to know a lover and what HE wants out of life. In the end, the most important person in this world, who will love her, is her. So, what she wants, out of this life, must always be the most important thing to her. It's not about being selfish, but about keeping the eyes on the prize.
[QUOTE=tenagain]Kudos to you for being a Big Sis mentor to this girl--she is very fortunate to have such a good role model. I'm sure you have helped her in so many ways. What a sad, sad, situation for this child/teen!!![/QUOTE]

Thanks tenagain. :D

I feel sorry for this girl and I have a hard time watching her mother being so selfish. This poor girl had to care for her 3 younger siblings... of course, same mother, all different fathers. What sort of message is that sending to her?

I see and hear a lot of women who are just not strong enough to stand on their own... yes, loosing a loved one is never easy (I've had too many of those LOL) :D but, some people, specifically women can't seem to go on with life without a man... my own mother is a prime example. She's a gem (being sarcastic) and she's been married & divorced 6 times. :eek: What a sad case... the posts I'd printed are all ready for her to read on Saturday. LOL

:D
[QUOTE=eve40]Maybe you could tell her that there is a difference in being unattached and being lonely. That being alone doesn't mean not having friends, going out and dating. Tell her that being alone is her opportunity to get to know herself and what she wants out of life, BEFORE she has to spend time getting to know a lover and what HE wants out of life. In the end, the most important person in this world, who will love her, is her. So, what she wants, out of this life, must always be the most important thing to her. It's not about being selfish, but about keeping the eyes on the prize.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the reminder Eve. :D

You've seem to always have some very wise advice and comments... I admire you for having a good head on your shoulders..... you seem to have it together and you don't seem to allow anything to keep you down for too long. You are so right about self - love... I think there are a lot of women who don't possess this characteristic and a lot of women seem to put a lot of self-value on "having a man"... and some of those men are nothing to write home about...

Thanks again. :D
Well, there's nothing wrong per se with being unattached, especially if that's someone's choice. But I have to say I'm getting tired of it. Even just today, I was talking to a girl in my program, and it turned out we live in the same area. She's probably 6-8 years younger than me (though she probably doesn't know it), and she's married. Well, at first she was so eager to exchange numbers and hang out together, but immediately she asked me if I was married. I said "no," without offering any further explanation, like "No, but I have a boyfriend, etc." She then asked "Oh, so you live completely alone then?" and I said "yes," smiling the whole while and trying to look "upbeat." As soon as I said it, her entire facial expression changed, and she gave me this pityfull look and said "oh, ok." Then she said "yeah, we should definitely hang out one day," which means there's NO CHANCE IN HELL I will ever hear from her again. This has been my problem continuously--attached women do not want to hang out with me because I'm single and it's awkward. What they want is double dates. I am useless to everyone, it seems. Even though I'm a nice person, funny, social, etc. That's what's wrong with being unattached after a certain age. It limits my social life. I am not going to hang out at bars by myself. So, I find myself being lonely a lot of the time. Not to mention, it would be nice to have a companion and lover finally, after all these years of being single. I'm just being honest. Oh, and I just LOATHE that look of pity if I tell people I'm still single, never married at my age.
I can understand your feeling Sophia... yeah, I agree with you... I noticed that some of my attached friends don't even want to hang out with me... and I'm attached now. I think a lot of women do put too much into their relationship... and they loose their identity that way. To some, they attach their self-identity to "their current man" and I fought that habit so hard in my last 2 relationships including the one I'm currently in. It's hard, but I want some space and I want to be able to be me without loosing my self-identity while in a relationship.

I do understand you and everybody else... I was unattached for so long and there were lonely and awkward times especially when I used to go to New Year's eve parties and when the clock struck midnight, I felt like I was the only one not kissing anybody... then some of my girlfriends and I made a pact that the unattached ones would spend New Year's eve together and when the clock would strike midnight, we'd all give each other kisses and hugs... LOL of course, not the wet ones we normally give our dates. LOL and yeah, I remember those looks of pity... now, I don't give any unattached people that look... as a matter of fact, the last party my fiance and I went to, I hung out with the unattached women's group! LOL :D I didn't ignore my BF, but I was having such good conversations listening to some of their nightmare dates and dancing. LOL My BF hung out with some of the unattached guys talking about March madness. LOL

Hang in there kiddo... I understand you.

:D
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Yeah, Fabat, thank you so much for understanding! After having been through this, I would be SO sensitive to unattached women if I was attached myself. I know all about the New Years party: in the last six years, there was only ONE New Year's that I spent with a boyfriend. So, I know the feeling of not getting to kiss someone at midnight while everyone else is kissing. And I love to kiss and in general, I'm a very sensual woman. It sucks all the more to be single. I'm trying as much as I can to make a good face to most people but my closest friends, but the fact is, I am not really too happy with it anymore. It was fine at first, but now it's not. The surreal thing is that I always hear how attractive I am, and I am not stupid, either, and not stuck up. So, it frustrates me to no end that I can't find my match. I mean, Why is it happening? I don't even want to know the reason why, but I want things to finally start moving forward. In the last couple of years I made major changes like starting graduate school, traveling as much as I can, etc, but I am still stuck in my personal life. It will sound insane, but I almost feel like someone put a bad spell on me, or something. Because it just can't be explained in logical terms. I've had guys who were not even on the same level as me dump me and act like they're better than me! I don't understand it; I just don't. You seem to have your life so together, Fabat, and I admire you for that. If you have even one word of advice to me, I'd be so happy to listen.
Oh, dear Sophia,

You are such a wise, young woman and you should pat yourself on your back for getting this far in life. I admire young women who improve themselves with education and we (women) are finally seeing some decades of uplifting each other and it shows in schools and the work force. There's still some work left to do though. :D You are doing the right thing by improving yourself, traveling... I do understand your feeling.

I didn't meet my fiance until about 2 years ago... but about 80% of the last 13 years or so, +/-, I was unattached. I did learn so much about myself and about men.

I learned that men are intimidated by women like you and me... we're attractive, intelligent, upfront, witty, well-traveled, we have a positive attitude most of the time, :D we have goals, we're independent, we're unafraid of going forward in life, we're not needy, we possess a great sense of humor... you get the picture. But we want to be loved and accepted for who we are. If you look at someone like us from a distance, wouldn't you be intimidated? ;) But you know what girl, don't you change. Don't lower yourself and your standards because this is who you are. It will take a "real man" to love and accept you... nothing less. You know the saying, only a match of minds understand each other. Keep doing what you're doing. As lonely as I was and still get, I still have to keep up with doing what keeps me happy. What I did was I kept myself busy with work, my son, school, dancing, traveling, friends... the saying of "when you're not looking is when they show up" is very true. I also did a lot of volunteer work, much more than now which exposes you to guys who has kind hearts and most of them are financially stable... I know the saying "money is not everything"... hon, one advice I took from my mother.. it's just as easy to fall in love with a man who has money. What I mean by that is that at least he can pay his bills and have some savings put away for a rainy day. I volunteer(ed) with Multiple Sclerosis, food banks, Special Olympics, AIDS Project LA and SF, my son's school. I believe in giving back to our community. :D

I wish I can tell you more or different from what you haven't heard before... I really do. I still get lonely :) ... and I still do the things that takes some of my loneliness away like watching DVDs, ride my bike, jog or play with my cat or walk my dog...

hang in there kiddo... I wish we knew each other in person so we can hang out and go shopping!LOL that's another thing I do when I get lonely. LOL

hang in there...
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Yeah, Fabat, thank you so much for understanding! After having been through this, I would be SO sensitive to unattached women if I was attached myself. I know all about the New Years party: in the last six years, there was only ONE New Year's that I spent with a boyfriend. So, I know the feeling of not getting to kiss someone at midnight while everyone else is kissing. And I love to kiss and in general, I'm a very sensual woman. It sucks all the more to be single. I'm trying as much as I can to make a good face to most people but my closest friends, but the fact is, I am not really too happy with it anymore. It was fine at first, but now it's not. The surreal thing is that I always hear how attractive I am, and I am not stupid, either, and not stuck up. So, it frustrates me to no end that I can't find my match. I mean, Why is it happening? I don't even want to know the reason why, but I want things to finally start moving forward. In the last couple of years I made major changes like starting graduate school, traveling as much as I can, etc, but I am still stuck in my personal life. It will sound insane, but I almost feel like someone put a bad spell on me, or something. Because it just can't be explained in logical terms. I've had guys who were not even on the same level as me dump me and act like they're better than me! I don't understand it; I just don't. You seem to have your life so together, Fabat, and I admire you for that. If you have even one word of advice to me, I'd be so happy to listen.[/QUOTE]

For what it's worth, I understand too, Sophia. Yes, you and Fabat both seem to be really together young ladies. I can also relate to your feeling of some kind of unseen force or barrier keeping you from obtaining the things you want. I've concluded that all we can do is control ourselves. We have no control over another person's free will, and we can't force or make someone fall in love with us. It really helps me to look at it like a true blessing from God to find your soul mate, sort of like the ability to sing really well or to have the kind of brilliance of an Albert Einstein. We may be blessed with it one day, we may not. But as at my core unfulfilled I will always feel without a mate, I also know that if it's not in the cards for me to have one, then it's just not, and trying to conform to someone else's idea of what a "good" woman is or letting someone tell me I'm a bad or unworthy or inadequate person and trying to shape myself into something I'm not and don't really want to be won't really cut it, either.

I think you're on the right track Sophia, and whether you find someone or not, you're still a great girl. That won't change.
[QUOTE=Fabat40]I learned that men are intimidated by women like you and me... we're attractive, intelligent, upfront, witty, well-traveled, we have a positive attitude most of the time, :D we have goals, we're independent, we're unafraid of going forward in life, we're not needy, we possess a great sense of humor... you get the picture. But we want to be loved and accepted for who we are. If you look at someone like us from a distance, wouldn't you be intimidated?[/QUOTE]

Not all men are intimidated by women you described. Some of us are actually looking for just such a person. But they're not easy to find.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]I am useless to everyone, it seems.[/QUOTE]
no way!! :nono: you're absolutely NOT useless to me, toots, ;) ;) or anyone around here. you should know that by now!! ;) everybody loves toots!!
[QUOTE=OutToLunch]Not all men are intimidated by women you described. Some of us are actually looking for just such a person. But they're not easy to find.[/QUOTE]

Hi OTL,

Well, if you and Sophia live near each other... maybe??? Even just for a friendly night out on the town? wink wink...

Sophia is a very nice young lady who is independent, outspoken, kind, beautiful, funny, playful, affectionate, intelligent, financially responsible, educated, well traveled, has a big circle of friends and loves movies, day trips and spontaneous night out on the town, dancing the night away. ;)

:D

what cha say, eh? ;)
Sophia,

There is something I can give you as an advice and may apply to some of the people here as well...

I believe in the power of positive thinking. When I was young, I've always wanted to be this successful business woman... shortly after my divorce, that dream reemerged and I "imagined" myself as this successful woman in the corporate world. I kept that image on my mind. I imagined of being on top while I'm living in a beautiful house, raising my son who is a child prodigy and having my sports car... I didn't allow any obstacle to get in my way.

Right now, I'm imagining my son to be a CFO or CEO of Apple Computers or Microsoft... aim high.

Once I'd acquired my corporate goal, I imagined of being with a certain man... the man of my taste of course... he's successful, kind, funny, spontaneous, takes good care of himself, hygenic (I'm such a stickler for cleanliness LOL), certain height, etc... but I didn't really concentrate of that "thought" as much as thinking of raising a well-adjusted child and work.

I believe what you think on your mind will manifest itself.

Positive people attract positive people. Positive thoughts turns into something positive . Don't allow negative people and thoughts enter your life... they'll just bring you down. As human beings, we are bound to have negative things in our lives... but don't wallow in it. Try not to allow past hurts ruin your present and future life. You deserve to be happy and get what you want in life... whatever that may be. Be with positive people. Don't dwell on what you don't have, be thankful of the things you have such as your health, your clear mind, a roof over your head, books to learn from, food in the refrigerator... little things. Once you get into that habit, things will start turning around to what you have been wanting in life.

I know there'll be people who will disagree with my advice... take what you want from it... I like helping people no matter how much other people have discouraged and criticize me for it. Once you become successful, whatever that may be, don't forget the ones who needs a little uplifting thoughts. I believe in the power of karma... you get what you give, 100 folds. Just the other day, I was at a red light when I saw this guy with a sign asking for money for food... well, I have one of those grocery store gift cards worth $50 and I handed it over the guy... the SOB got mad, broke it in half and threw it back at my Lamborghini and actually put an itty-bitty scratch on it! :mad: But that one jerk won't stop me from helping people.... :D although that scratch still makes me mad. :)

I hope I didn't sound confusing because I've had a couple of glasses of Pinot Grigio. LOL It's Friday and I'm dead tired. LOL

Okay kiddo... just be positive. I wish I could give you all of my books. It's all about the power of positive thinking because your thoughts, whatever that may be will manifest itself into reality.
:D
What did you get back by giving your grocery card to the bum? I hope something good does come your way.

The NERVE of that guy!! :mad:
[QUOTE=Fabat40]Sophia,

There is something I can give you as an advice and may apply to some of the people here as well...

I believe in the power of positive thinking. When I was young, I've always wanted to be this successful business woman... shortly after my divorce, that dream reemerged and I "imagined" myself as this successful woman in the corporate world. I kept that image on my mind. I imagined of being on top while I'm living in a beautiful house, raising my son who is a child prodigy and having my sports car... I didn't allow any obstacle to get in my way.

Right now, I'm imagining my son to be a CFO or CEO of Apple Computers or Microsoft... aim high.
:D[/QUOTE]

LOL, that's cute you're imagining your son as the future CEO--how old is he now, ten? :D

But seriously, I KNOW you're right. That's funny because I was just thinking about this very subject this morning! I noticed I didn't really feel like calling my grandmother, which I usually do every weekend, because she tends to bring me down. I'm sure she doesn't do it intentionally, but she's not a very positive person. She keeps asking me if I found anyone, or if any of my ex-boyfriends called (and proposed, I guess :rolleyes: ) and stressing me out with it. Every time the conversation inevitably turns into this topic, and then she always turns me into this "victim," or conversely, blames me for being "too picky" and rejecting guys who in her mind must have been good prospects, but in my mind they had nothing in common with me. I always end up in a bad mood for a good portion of the day, or sometimes even for the rest of the weekend. I know she's close to 90 and would like me to be "taken care of and settled with a good man" (that's how women of her generation think). Also, I'm her favorite granddaughter and I think she would like to live to see me get married and she would like to know who I end up with, and I would love that too, but I don't know what I can do. I mean, I can't magically materialize a fiance! :D

But I think it's true that imagining what you want is often the first step in the direction of achieving your dreams. I always knew I wanted to go to grad school, but I became a bit stuck in my job, and I was not even sure what to study. I went to some orientation meetings and was inquiring about different programs which I was potentially interested in when out of the blue I received a call from my long-lost friend. She told me she was applying to this particular program, which I didn't know that much about at that point, and actually encouraged me to look into it. It sounded very interesting to me. Amazingly, there was still time to apply for it. I did, not expecting anything because I had no background in this field, and what do you know--I got accepted and am now one of the best students in the program! So, yes, I do have some idea of how imagining something and just initiating the process can lead to achieving concrete things. I am a little unsure of myself when it comes to relationships, though, because I didn't experience much success in this area of life. I just have to break this mental barrier, which feels like it's "impossible" for me to be happy in love and start thinking that it very well could be possible.

Anyway, Thanks Fabat, you are such a wonderful woman and I'm very inspired by your story! :wave:
[QUOTE=Lance0204]no way!! :nono: you're absolutely NOT useless to me, toots, ;) ;) or anyone around here. you should know that by now!! ;) everybody loves toots!![/QUOTE]

Very sweet of you, Lance. Yes, I am very happy and grateful that I met you and all the other wonderful friends here. Don't know what I would do without you guys! :)
[QUOTE=SophiaM]So, yes, I do have some idea of how imagining something and just initiating the process can lead to achieving concrete things. I am a little unsure of myself when it comes to relationships, though, because I didn't experience much success in this area of life. I just have to break this mental barrier, which feels like it's "impossible" for me to be happy in love and start thinking that it very well could be possible.
[/QUOTE]
well i agree with this type of philosophy but for me, it's always been difficult (unfortunately i'm one of those "glass half empty" kinds of people, :D :rolleyes: ). sometimes you know the end goal but just don't know how to get there. for me, the problem has always been about establishing what the path is. once i do this, its easier for things to begin to materialize. otherwise positive thoughts are just that..thoughts.

like right now i'm visualizing myself leaving my stupid job but i can't see a path out of it and its even harder finding another goal or career field that i would be interested in so for now i have to stay put. :(
[QUOTE=Lance0204]well i agree with this type of philosophy but for me, it's always been difficult (unfortunately i'm one of those "glass half empty" kinds of people, :D :rolleyes: ). sometimes you know the end goal but just don't know how to get there. for me, the problem has always been about establishing what the path is. once i do this, its easier for things to begin to materialize. otherwise positive thoughts are just that..thoughts.

like right now i'm visualizing myself leaving my stupid job but i can't see a path out of it and its even harder finding another goal or career field that i would be interested in so for now i have to stay put. :([/QUOTE]

Like they say, I think the trick is to figure out what you really love, then find a way to get paid for it. What do you really enjoy, what do you find yourself spending a lot of spare time on? Figure that out, then make a plan to find a way to get paid for it.

I was doing so reading up on the whole philosophy of positive thinking, and how it works best while combined with positive action and positive speaking as well, though I suppose that's kind of a given. I mean, I can sit meditating on visualizing me and my married ex back together, kissing, me in his arms, but will that alone make it happen? It's a matter of wisely picking your goals, and believing you can do it, then making a realistic, positive plan of action and persistently and positively pursuing it, and never saying die.
I’ve spent (wasted?) my whole life trying to be “single and happy” – or at least OK with it. But I just can’t even try anymore.

How can you be happy when other people see you as either a pathetic loser or a threat? And it affects EVERY aspect of your life – it’s NOT all a “state of mind”. It affects your social life. Either you get left out by your friends or get invited by them only to feel like a third wheel. Or they try to fix you up – without even telling you.

It affects your work. When there are 200 employees and only 2 of you (single and childless 30-something women), the others see you as freaks or lesbians. They either have pity or contempt for you. You’re not “one of them”. The only way they could possibly treat you any worse would be if you were a child molester. At parties, the wives grab their husbands’ hands and physically drag them away from you if you dare talk to them – and you’re not even thinking about flirting with those men.

How can you be happy when yours is the only “single” house on your whole block and you are drowning in a sea of strollers and minivans? When you get out of your empty car and come home to your empty house and have no one to talk to but your cats? Or yourself. And you cry yourself to sleep. And you don’t even bother cooking or cleaning much, because hey – “why bother, there’s only you, it doesn’t matter”.

How can you be OK with being single when the only men who ever approach you are sleazy engaged or married jerks looking for a “piece on the side” to cheat with, or creeps who are 1) old enough to be your dad 2) drunk by mid-afternoon and 3) reeking of cigarette smoke or cheap cologne.

When your best friend gets pregnant by accident, TWICE, and gets an abortion – while you’re running out of time to have a baby and can’t even get a date, much less a husband. When – get this - during Xmas dinner, your own grandmother tells you that someone should rape you so you’ll get pregnant that way and stop waiting for the right man.

How can you enjoy your life when everyone looks down at you? When you go on vacation, by yourself. And sit on a little boat with 3 couples holding hands. And go to the restaurant for dinner because – gasp! – even single people have to eat. And you don’t want to just shamefully grab some junk food. So they ask you if it’s “just you”, and if you want to sit at the bar. No! I want a bloody table, like any normal human being! So they seat you next to the kitchen or, even better, next to the bathroom. And your waitress can barely stand to look at you, even though you’re spending 50 dollars on this meal.

But no - you’re not supposed to get bitter, or frustrated, or resentful. Or angry, or sad. You’re supposed to just keep on smiling and “think positive” and enjoy your life. Sorry, but I just can’t even pretend I’m fine anymore.
Man! I'm 45, single and happy...........most of the time. The rest, what other people think, well I don't give a rat's a$$ what they think. They don't know me.
Crime

I have to say I was impressed by what you just posted. You're being realistic and brutually honest...not being naive with thinking positive 24/7 when nothing goes your way.


Fabat, I think what you just told us is b***s**t, I mean what do you know really? It seems to me that you were always able to date and be in relationships with handsome, wealthy, smart men. Seems to me that you don't really have much problem finding someone to be with for a while or even for a date.
CrimsonClover, I agree with you happiness isn't just a state of mind. We are all interconnected to some degree and as much as we'd like to think we can insulate ourselves from the behavior of others, we can't...at least not completely. I can tell myself that I'm happy with my life and everything in it, but someone could come along and say or do something that could change that. So it's not as simple as having a "I'm happy" mindset. But one thing you have to do is not let other people's behavior affect you too much, and it sounds like you're doing that. So what if others see you as pathetic? Why should their opinions matter? So what if your coworkers are all married? If they treat you badly, then treat them badly. So what if your neighbors all have kids? And stop letting your friends set you up without telling you. I come home to an empty house, but I don't cry. Sure it would be great to share it with a wife or girlfriend, but I'm not miserable cause I don't have one. And I still cook and clean. I don't want to live in a slophouse. And if you're getting approached by the wrong kind of men, then you need to change your surroundings.

The thing I always tell myself when I see people who have things I wish I had is that what I'm seeing is only the surface details. You see someone with the wife and kids and the nice house, but who knows what's going on behind close doors? Are they really all that happy? In my office, I'm one of the few single people, but instead of looking down on me, a lot of people envy me. Some of them are on their second and third marriages and they tell me to take my time. "Don't rush into anything. Don't marry someone just cause you're in love or because you think you're running out of time. The right person is worth waiting for." And they're right.
[QUOTE=CrimsonClover]I’ve spent (wasted?) my whole life trying to be “single and happy” – or at least OK with it. But I just can’t even try anymore.

How can you be happy when other people see you as either a pathetic loser or a threat? And it affects EVERY aspect of your life – it’s NOT all a “state of mind”. It affects your social life. Either you get left out by your friends or get invited by them only to feel like a third wheel. Or they try to fix you up – without even telling you.

It affects your work. When there are 200 employees and only 2 of you (single and childless 30-something women), the others see you as freaks or lesbians. They either have pity or contempt for you. You’re not “one of them”. The only way they could possibly treat you any worse would be if you were a child molester. At parties, the wives grab their husbands’ hands and physically drag them away from you if you dare talk to them – and you’re not even thinking about flirting with those men.

How can you be happy when yours is the only “single” house on your whole block and you are drowning in a sea of strollers and minivans? When you get out of your empty car and come home to your empty house and have no one to talk to but your cats? Or yourself. And you cry yourself to sleep. And you don’t even bother cooking or cleaning much, because hey – “why bother, there’s only you, it doesn’t matter”.

How can you be OK with being single when the only men who ever approach you are sleazy engaged or married jerks looking for a “piece on the side” to cheat with, or creeps who are 1) old enough to be your dad 2) drunk by mid-afternoon and 3) reeking of cigarette smoke or cheap cologne.

When your best friend gets pregnant by accident, TWICE, and gets an abortion – while you’re running out of time to have a baby and can’t even get a date, much less a husband. When – get this - during Xmas dinner, your own grandmother tells you that someone should rape you so you’ll get pregnant that way and stop waiting for the right man.

How can you enjoy your life when everyone looks down at you? When you go on vacation, by yourself. And sit on a little boat with 3 couples holding hands. And go to the restaurant for dinner because – gasp! – even single people have to eat. And you don’t want to just shamefully grab some junk food. So they ask you if it’s “just you”, and if you want to sit at the bar. No! I want a bloody table, like any normal human being! So they seat you next to the kitchen or, even better, next to the bathroom. And your waitress can barely stand to look at you, even though you’re spending 50 dollars on this meal.

But no - you’re not supposed to get bitter, or frustrated, or resentful. Or angry, or sad. You’re supposed to just keep on smiling and “think positive” and enjoy your life. Sorry, but I just can’t even pretend I’m fine anymore.[/QUOTE]

Well, My God, how profound was that! I can relate to EVERY SINGLE word of it! There's nothing I can add. Yes, I've experienced ALL of these feelings and situations. ALL of them, to the last detail. And reading about it brings them back. I hate to eat alone at a restaurant, so I don't go out most of the time. Tonight I went out--my friends were nice enough to take me out for my b-day which is on Tuesday. SO nice of them. But I was still the only single girl and my friends as well everyone else in the restaurant seemed to be a couple. I was the ONLY SINGLE girl there and it was MY almost 34th birthday!!! Yes, I had a good time, but still, when my friend's boyfriend grabbed her face and kissed it passionately when she said something he thought was cute, well...how did you think I felt? Nobody kissed ME. Nobody thought I was adorable. How I wish to experience that feeling. No happilly attached person will understand it unless they lose what they had and cherished so much.
Whoa Crimson,
Silver lining, c'mon babe. Lighten up. Here: 38 never married, childless (thank god), but hey, do you think I don't know there is gossip about me?
"Tiger's a lesbian..."
Well, you know what? If anyone thinks that I'm dating men and getting a little honey on the side? Then good for me! They think my life is way more exciting than it is! Ha!
"Tiger can't keep a man..." Well, that may be true, but Tiger keeps gettin' them, now, doesn't she?" Hmmmm...wonder if that were true if "June Cleaver" with the loose lips and stick up her a** found herself single?? (Not with those thighs, hon... :nono: ).
"Tiger is man hungry and is after your man.." B*tch, c'mon, *you* don't even want your man that bad, otherwise, you wouldn't dress like that. M'mmm, girl, Tiger don't want no man that would settle for you.... :jester:

I'M JOKING HERE.
The thing is, I like being single. I like a little spice and scandal,
and I *know* those married women with their "updated" Dorothy Hammel haircuts and god awful capris pants (with the obligatory granny panty underwear lines) are not having more fun than me. :nono:. I don't want kids and I'm loving the single life. Any haus frau has a problem with that? Talk to my personal trainer, hon, he might make you feel better about those thighs...MEOW...Tiger's in the house! :bouncing:
Okay, had too much coffee tonight.

To start off, Mysterious Guy, you obviously only want to read what your state of mind allows it... negative thoughts and bits and pieces. [B]Read my post #25, 13 years of my being divorced out of 17, I was unattached 80% of the time. [/B] You must like the taste of your shoes for constantly putting it in your mouth. The reason why I find dates on most weekends is because I'M ENGAGED! You may want to start opening your mind like a parachute a little bit more so the cobwebs would clear out and the moths would finally see a little bit of light. :D

Eve, I like your attitude.

Crimson, I'm understand how you feel... been there, still there once in a while, but I refuse to wallow in it. Being in a relationship doesn't take away the loneliness... a person could be in a crowd and still be lonely. This board is full of lonely, unhappy, married people. Read my previous posts to Sophia... I was unattached for a very long time and I made use of my time and energy to something more positive... I didn't get where I am without hardwork, heartaches and tears.

I guess the saying goes, you can't teach a person who doesn't want to learn. Sophia asked for my advice and I gave it... just as I'd predicted, there are some negative responses to my positive attitude. And my boss told me this once, someone will always try to bring down a successful person, it's up to me to allow it.

You know Abraham Lincoln... do you know how many times he'd failed before he became the President of the United States? He has more failure than successess... If I were in that same situation, I'd rather look at my successess than failures. I like successful people...

Nnnaaahh, it's no use... a lot of people would rather sit in their crap than get out of it and clean themselves up....

When 9/11 hit, it was a wake up call for a lot of people... I read a story of this one guy who was a workaholic and was at Tower 1 when it was hit. After he recovered from his trauma, he changed his life. He worked less and played more... don't allow a 9/11 type event to wake you up and enjoy life. Look beyond what's in front of you and see what you truly have because you're missing so much by just looking at what's wrong.

Good luck guys. Tried to help, but there are things I refuse to fight over and one of them is negative thinking... only you can change that. A board will not change that train of thought.

:D

.
Fabat....it's called realistic thinking, not negative thinking. Out of your shiny, wealthy area, people deal with reality everyday of violences, rapes, abuses, etc and have to deal with it everyday. The world isn't beautiful as it used to be, at least not as violence and of course that will affect the way you preceive the world for waht it is. If its negative realistic thinking, so be it.


And I forgot about you being unattached for a while.
[QUOTE=SophiaM] I am a little unsure of myself when it comes to relationships, though, because I didn't experience much success in this area of life. I just have to break this mental barrier, which feels like it's "impossible" for me to be happy in love and start thinking that it very well could be possible. [/QUOTE]

Fight the negative Sophia... it was hard to me at first, it became easier and easier until it became a habit. It took me a very long time and a lot of self-questions... I was thrown with so many negative thoughts and taunts and people and events in my life, but I fought it... I was divorced with a 1 year old baby and $30 to my name... the only time I look back is when I gauge how far I've come. I wish nothing but good things for you in life and I hope you find the happiness you're looking for. You and I only know each other through pseudonym, but fight the negatives. I was and still unsure about relationships sometimes, but I'm taking a chance on this one and hope it works out... there are very few guarantees in life and marriage is not one of them.

I hope you take that one piece of advice and I hope you fight the negatives... you are a fighter. You'd been through hell and being raised with a mother like yours, it doesn't take a wimp to come out of that life and be a responsible human being... you are a fighter. Life will always throw you an obstacle, it's up to you to jump over them.

Good luck kiddo.... it's a lion's den out there. Just look at this board.

Okay, coffee's wearing off. :D

.
[QUOTE=MysteriousGuy]Fabat....it's called realistic thinking, not negative thinking. Out of your shiny, wealthy area, people deal with reality everyday of violences, rapes, abuses, etc and have to deal with it everyday. The world isn't beautiful as it used to be, at least not as violence and of course that will affect the way you preceive the world for waht it is. If its negative realistic thinking, so be it.


And I forgot about you being unattached for a while.[/QUOTE]


MG,

I spent most of my day with a young woman who's my little sister in a Big Sister, Little Sister program... she lives in the housing projects in San Francisco and yes, some people call it "the ghetto"... reality can't be more in your face than when I drive down the streets there to pick her up so I can expose her to a different type of life where she can see the possibilities as long as hard work and education can be put into motion... Spike Lee even made a movie there about 2 years ago because it's so bad.

I serve food to the shut ins and homeless and some have thrown food back at me. I've had desparate people rob me because they need to pawn something to feed their babies or their habits... can't get any realistic than that. But I refuse to look at the negative. I promised myself that when I become successful, I will help the ones who have less than me.

I could go on and on... but like i said, you need to open your mind a little bit more and be less judgemental of someone who's made it out of the bottom.
I believe in giving back... and if there are more people who thinks and acts like me... the world would change and become a better place.

But you and a lot of people choose to think this way... it would take more than just a board...
.
[QUOTE=Lance0204]well i agree with this type of philosophy but for me, it's always been difficult (unfortunately i'm one of those "glass half empty" kinds of people, :D :rolleyes: ). sometimes you know the end goal but just don't know how to get there. for me, the problem has always been about establishing what the path is. once i do this, its easier for things to begin to materialize. otherwise positive thoughts are just that..thoughts.

like right now i'm visualizing myself leaving my stupid job but i can't see a path out of it and its even harder finding another goal or career field that i would be interested in so for now i have to stay put. :([/QUOTE]


It's all about choice Lance.....
In my case, unfortunately, my condition doesn't exactly allow me to be "positive" or negative for that matter, in a sense that I am not I truly am. I'm just being realistic and never show any negatively to others. In my case, it isn't up to me and is therefore, not in my control. It would be once I am cured of my condition.


So tell me this, say you have 40 years old female asking you for advice (some of the members here are approaching 40's). They haven't date a man for a long time and received the treatment that Sophia and Crime has. Are you going to tell her, hey continue to think positive and be happy, something good will come out of it one day/ Then bam, before you know it, in her 70's, still in the same situation. Are you going to tell her, "hon., it's okay, just keep a smile on and something good will happen?" "Chuckles" that would be one hell of a story right? While you're married to your bf and having a time of your life? Right...I'd love to hear what you have to say on this one.
[QUOTE=SophiaM] No happilly attached person will understand it unless they lose what they had and cherished so much.[/QUOTE]

Not even then, Sophia, because even if they lost it all tomorrow, they'd still know what it was like to have had it, at least for a while, at least once in their life.

I can relate to you and Crimson as well. And I'll add that yes, I've experienced everything Crimson mentioned as well, but even if I didn't, it's not even other people. I really don't care what other people care about me so much. I know there are lots of single people who are single, childless and HAPPY, and that's the key. For me, what makes it so awful is not the looks and comments from other people. The real problem is the ache I feel in my arms, all over my body when I come home from a stressful day and have no one to hug or hold. When I have no one to cook for or sit down to dinner with and laugh and talk with and share my day with. How I climb into bed alone and never get to have sex. How my uterus actually tugs at me whenever I see a baby and can't hold my own in my arms and rock him/her to sleep. To me, these are the things that make life worth the bother of living.

I'm lucky in lots of ways, I have my health, I have a nice apartment that I got at a really great rent with great southern exposure, a cool job that I love. And I'd give it all up in a heartbeat for a family of my own, to find a home in someone's heart, to be loved and accepted and find my real home here on earth and to know that I won't go to my grave having to say that I was never loved, to have the warmth of loving arms to fall into, to change poopie diapers and give baths and read betime stories, bake cookies and plan menus, not to mention the regular sex (yes I know marriage is HARDLY a guarantee of regular sex, but the chances are better when you have your spouse lying next to you than it is when you're alone!). I mean at the end of the day, we do have to be positive and search for the silver lining, because what's the alternative? But I know how hard it can be. It can affect every aspect of your life. Sometimes I have a really hard time doing my job well, as much as I enjoy it, my boss is always riding me about my energy level, but it's hard to be chipper and upbeat when you've cried yourself to sleep all night. And it's the knowing that no matter how much I try to make out of my single life, living it up, vacationing, going out, volunteering, etc., I still will never have gotten to live a truly FULL, real life of having a trustworthy companion and raising children. I just need it, not because I choose to need it, any more than I choose to need water. I just need it to really feel like I had a purpose, a reason for having been born. Beleive me, I've done everything else, travel, dream chasing, striving and succeeding at work, volunteering, and nothing else does it. I just never felt as at home anywhere as I did in the arms of the man I loved and who I thought loved me. Some people just feel that way about it. I'll never buy that it's a choice. I know myself better than anyone ever will, and I know beyond any doubt that I didn't choose to feel this way about being alone.
[QUOTE=Fabat40]Fight the negative Sophia... it was hard to me at first, it became easier and easier until it became a habit. It took me a very long time and a lot of self-questions... I was thrown with so many negative thoughts and taunts and people and events in my life, but I fought it... I was divorced with a 1 year old baby and $30 to my name... the only time I look back is when I gauge how far I've come. I wish nothing but good things for you in life and I hope you find the happiness you're looking for. You and I only know each other through pseudonym, but fight the negatives. I was and still unsure about relationships sometimes, but I'm taking a chance on this one and hope it works out... there are very few guarantees in life and marriage is not one of them.

I hope you take that one piece of advice and I hope you fight the negatives... you are a fighter. You'd been through hell and being raised with a mother like yours, it doesn't take a wimp to come out of that life and be a responsible human being... you are a fighter. Life will always throw you an obstacle, it's up to you to jump over them.

Good luck kiddo.... it's a lion's den out there. Just look at this board.

Okay, coffee's wearing off. :D

.[/QUOTE]

Hi Fabat--good morning :) I like reading your posts because they're very encouraging, and your example gives me hope that even after a lot of struggles and challenges in life, one can still come out on top. And it's very admirable what you're doing for the underprivileged kids and poor people. Yes, I am a fighter. I don't know why, but I always knew that the life I was living as a child with my mother was not the kind of life I deserved or meant to have. It felt "wrong" to be born into this family; I felt like god must have made a mistake or something LOL. But it did affect me negatively in many ways and I'm a late bloomer as a result. Although perhaps I wouldn't have as much motivation if I were raised in different circumstances--who really knows? I mean, when I think about it objectively, I was raised in a family of very modest means, with a divorced, angry mother who took out her life's frustrations on me, was told I am worth nothing and will amount to nothing, called horrible names, etc., and yet I managed to put myself through college and graduate with honors and now am studying at a prestigeous university and doing very well. So that is definitely something I am proud of, but the funny thing is, I often have a selective thinking and don't even notice any of my accomplishments. Instead, I feel like at my age, I should be more established in life and more successful. I'm in huge debt now because of the graduate school and because I'm living by myself, and that is very scary to me. Hopefully I'll be able to get out of it somehow after I start working full time in my field. I have no idea how in the world you were able to support yourself and your child AND to go on and become so successful in life. That's really, really amazing!

I recall you mentioned some inspirational books that helped you. I wonder which ones. I am always interested in reading something that's uplifting, without being "fake." I think it's ok to mention book titles here, since so many people were talking about the "He's just not into you" and "Why men love (w)itches" books and it was perfectly fine. Moderator, could you please clarify for us if it's allowed here to mention book titles?
Fabat, I like your additude too. I think we could have been good friends.
[QUOTE=MysteriousGuy]In my case, unfortunately, my condition doesn't exactly allow me to be "positive" or negative for that matter, in a sense that I am not I truly am. I'm just being realistic and never show any negatively to others. In my case, it isn't up to me and is therefore, not in my control. It would be once I am cured of my condition.


So tell me this, say you have 40 years old female asking you for advice (some of the members here are approaching 40's). They haven't date a man for a long time and received the treatment that Sophia and Crime has. Are you going to tell her, hey continue to think positive and be happy, something good will come out of it one day/ Then bam, before you know it, in her 70's, still in the same situation. Are you going to tell her, "hon., it's okay, just keep a smile on and something good will happen?" "Chuckles" that would be one hell of a story right? While you're married to your bf and having a time of your life? Right...I'd love to hear what you have to say on this one.[/QUOTE]

Hey MG, well, just to clarify, both Crimson and I are only approaching mid 30s, not 40, so there's still hope, but it's true that things can get even more complicated with age. We'll see what happens. I also hope that you are cured of your condition, whatever that is, because I can tell that it's taking a toll on you and that you are very sad over it. Wishing you the best of luck. Sometimes we have to deal with challenges and obstacles in life that make it harder to achieve our dreams and our best potential, and then we just have no choice but to try and do the best with whatever we've got. I truly wish that you can be healed and find happiness in life, MG.
[QUOTE=MysteriousGuy]In my case, unfortunately, my condition doesn't exactly allow me to be "positive" or negative for that matter, in a sense that I am not I truly am. I'm just being realistic and never show any negatively to others. In my case, it isn't up to me and is therefore, not in my control. It would be once I am cured of my condition.


So tell me this, say you have 40 years old female asking you for advice (some of the members here are approaching 40's). They haven't date a man for a long time and received the treatment that Sophia and Crime has. Are you going to tell her, hey continue to think positive and be happy, something good will come out of it one day/ Then bam, before you know it, in her 70's, still in the same situation. Are you going to tell her, "hon., it's okay, just keep a smile on and something good will happen?" "Chuckles" that would be one hell of a story right? While you're married to your bf and having a time of your life? Right...I'd love to hear what you have to say on this one.[/QUOTE]

MG,

Sounds to me that you're dealing w/ health issues... I'm sorry, I was not aware of it until now. If that's the case, I can understand the negative posts you'd been sending. Health is wealth, someone told me that quote a long time ago. I'm sorry if you're not well...

As for your second paragraph, happiness is a state of mind and the advices I've been giving in here are from my own experiences... I have no answer to that question nor I'm a psychotherapist who can answer such a question... IMHO, society puts too much emphasis on "finding the right one" or finding the right one will cure your loneliness. Movies and TV shows says it all.

Approximately 8 +/- years ago, I have accepted the fact that I will never remarry and die an unmarried woman. Once I'd put that in my mind and have made the decision of never remarrying (mind you, I'm still unmarried, I'm only engage), it was a huge relief off my shoulder because I found that sort of message from society that people have to be with someone to be happy, such a burden... and besides, being with someone does not take away anybody's loneliness... I still get lonely... most of my friends, male and female still gets lonely and they're married or have significant other... with this knowledge at hand, I'd also made a decision that only "I", "me", "Moi", can make "me" happy. Otherwise, putting the responsibility on someone else to make me happy is such a huge burden as well... and that usually drives the other person away. I suggest to either see a psycho therapist or read lots off books to answer your question, if you are truly seeking that truth or just testing me. Only you know that answer.

I hope that made sense...

I have my favorite quotes posted all over my desk, my mirror in my bathrooms, my Palm, even my car, and here are just a few:


[I]"As you recognize that you already own the wholeness you seek, and no one outside you can give you more than you already are, dysfunctional situations will evaporate like bad dreams exposed to the morning sun."[/I]

[I]"When your sense of worth exceeds your conditions, conditions will shift to match your vision." [/I]

[I]"The greatest gift that you can give yourself is a little bit of your own attention."[/I]
[I]
"Human misery is more often caused not so much by stupidity as by ignorance, particularly our own ignorance about ourselves."[/I]

[I]"People who do not need to please are irresistible because they radiate wholeness, a rare delicacy in a world of hungry hearts." [/I]

[I]"I don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains." Anne Frank[/I]

Well, those are just a few of my favourites... I'm not stating I'm perfect nor do I have all the answers. I was just helping one soul, Sophia on a public board. Helping her recognize what a brilliant woman that she is and how far she'd come especially all of her adversities and obstacles she'd hurdled. There are many people on this board who has overcome remarkable obstacles, but yet, they don't recognize it. I was just pointing out the positive attributes Sophia has. Sometimes, some of us need a little help from somebody else, like pointing out something about us that we don't see.

Good luck MG. I hope you find what you're seeking. And perhaps one day, you could grow up.

P.S. I hope you get well and feel better MG... I have no malicious intentions towards you... I just think some people can't imagine being in a state of happiness or content most of the time especially if you're in a state of negativity and unhappiness... it may sound like b*ll ***** to you and to some who may be reading this, but tell me this... if you were to sit in a bus and there are only 2 seats left, one next to a guy who's named Positive and another guy who's named Negative, who'd you sit next to?

:D
[QUOTE=SophiaM] Yes, I am a fighter. I don't know why, but I always knew that the life I was living as a child with my mother was not the kind of life I deserved or meant to have. It felt "wrong" to be born into this family; I felt like god must have made a mistake or something LOL. But it did affect me negatively in many ways and I'm a late bloomer as a result. Although perhaps I wouldn't have as much motivation if I were raised in different circumstances--who really knows? I mean, when I think about it objectively, I was raised in a family of very modest means, with a divorced, angry mother who took out her life's frustrations on me, was told I am worth nothing and will amount to nothing, called horrible names, etc., and yet I managed to put myself through college and graduate with honors and now am studying at a prestigeous university and doing very well. So that is definitely something I am proud of, but the funny thing is, I often have a selective thinking and don't even notice any of my accomplishments. Instead, I feel like at my age, I should be more established in life and more successful. I'm in huge debt now because of the graduate school and because I'm living by myself, and that is very scary to me. Hopefully I'll be able to get out of it somehow after I start working full time in my field. I have no idea how in the world you were able to support yourself and your child AND to go on and become so successful in life. That's really, really amazing!

I recall you mentioned some inspirational books that helped you. I wonder which ones. I am always interested in reading something that's uplifting, without being "fake." I think it's ok to mention book titles here, since so many people were talking about the "He's just not into you" and "Why men love (w)itches" books and it was perfectly fine. Moderator, could you please clarify for us if it's allowed here to mention book titles?[/QUOTE]


Hi Sophia,

I could write down all of my obstacles I had hurdled such as living in a 1 bedroom, - renting a room in a house, in the housing projects. LOL It was such a miserable time, but that was all I could afford at the time. Hearing gun shots in the middle of the night was a normal event. My son and I who was a baby back then had to sleep on the floor in case a bullet comes flying into the window. LOL but my story is long and boring. LMAO! I'll spare you that story hon. You'd been through enough crap. HAHAHA!

But here are some books I'd read that has and still help me till this day. I need a reminder once in a while and I crack them open whenever I feel I need the help from the wise words written between the pages.

The Road Less Traveled - my 2nd bible right after my old pink one :D

Personhood, The Art of Being Fully Human. I like Leo Buscaglia's books because he also teaches the art of "giving back". You'll understand when you become successful Sophia. :D

Living, Loving, Learning - another fav of mine from Dr. Buscaglia

10 Secrets to Success and Inner Peace - Wayne Dyer This book has helped me a lot, it's like an instruction book for finding inner peace in such a chaotic world. I crack open the pages on this book a lot. I still need to remind myself once in a while. LOL

There are plenty more, but I don't want to overwhelm you especially with your school and all.

When I graduated, I was in debt too, as I recall, I had an $80K debt and nothing to show for... not even a car. LOL I took public transporation a lot in the early years... and on weekends, my son and I hung out in the public library because it was clean, safe and free. LOL I think that's why my son is so well-read and he speaks 7 languages fluently. One of the giant internet search engine here that starts with a "Y" tried to hire him as an intern, but I didn't want him to forget about his studies... so he turned them down. They like the idea that he speaks, reads and write 7 different languages and that's always an asset. :D but I worked so hard Sophia because I was "hungry"... hungry to get out of the life we had. I was tired of feeling helpless, hopeless, sad, insecure, vulnerable... you name it. As a woman, I saw that we are still not as equal to men in the work force and that just pisses me off. LOL But I was also tired of being "empty". I had to re-condition my thinking a lot until the habit of thinking the way I do now has been enforced and became second nature. It took a long time to get out of that way of thinking... I'm not saying it's easy, but you're such a determined person. But the decision to change is ultimately up to the person. Like an alcoholic, the first thing that a person must admit is that you have a problem. BTW, that' also a good book to read. :)

You are a strong woman Sophia and I think you don't pat yourself enough on the back for all the horrible things that has happened to you... look at you, you're doing something wonderful and positive, you're educating yourself and hon, that's not an easy task. I have read some of your posts and I thought, "this girl doesn't even recognize her talents, her achievements and her kind heart". Your mother is such an unlucky woman to miss out on such a great human being that she'd given birth to.



Good luck kiddo. :D
"Good luck MG. I hope you find what you're seeking. And perhaps one day, you could grow up.

P.S. I hope you get well and feel better MG... I have no malicious intentions towards you... I just think some people can't imagine being in a state of happiness or content most of the time especially if you're in a state of negativity and unhappiness... it may sound like b*ll ***** to you and to some who may be reading this, but tell me this... if you were to sit in a bus and there are only 2 seats left, one next to a guy who's named Positive and another guy who's named Negative, who'd you sit next to? "


Okay...what the ****? Grow up? Nothing I have said indicate anything that I need to "grow up"

As for being in a state of happiness, you would need to be in my shoes to truly understand. It is nearly out of my control or I just need to find a way which I have been searching for all my life. Second, I'm not a negative person; I have told you that already, just being realistic about the way the world is.

Third, I don't have any health condition; it's a disability condition which affects every single aspect of my life.
the best thing a therapist ever suggested to me is that what i was terming being realistic was actually being negative. i argued it to death of course, and it took a while to sink in. but when it finally did, my whole life changed, and i am a very happy, very unmarried, very 34-year-old women. i don't have a boyfriend, and somehow it's all okay. another great thing i read that sticks in my mind is: care what others think and you become their slave. also very true. once i stopped caring, my world was a lot more pleasant to live in.

i don't think anyone here promoting positivity is saying slap a smile on and act fake when you don't feel happy. what i think they are saying is that you have to live happily, in actions. if the genuine you is a miserable person, then you need to change who you are at the core. and if there is a condition or situation that you can't change for whatever reason, you need to make it as bearable as possible for yourself.

the fact is, being negative and miserable about something and then having a bad outcome just so you can say, 'see? i was right' seems insane. if you have a bad outcome but were positive on the journey, at least you were happy.

i have been on both sides, and i can say with that it is a lot more fun to be on the positive side then the 'realistic' side.
[QUOTE=Fabat40]Hi Sophia,

I could write down all of my obstacles I had hurdled such as living in a 1 bedroom, - renting a room in a house, in the housing projects. LOL It was such a miserable time, but that was all I could afford at the time. Hearing gun shots in the middle of the night was a normal event. My son and I who was a baby back then had to sleep on the floor in case a bullet comes flying into the window. LOL but my story is long and boring. LMAO! I'll spare you that story hon. You'd been through enough crap. HAHAHA!
[/QUOTE]

No, Fabat, you shouldn't downplay your story--it's very amazing to me and I admire you so much for being so determined, resillient, and ambitious to go for what you wanted and improve your life dramatically! It's no small accomplishment for sure, and I would NEVER consider it "boring"--quite the contrary.

It's very funny because I went to a bookstore yesterday and picked up The Road Less Travelled without reading your response first. I already read a good portion of it, and so far I find it quite interesting. I will check out the other books too, after I'm finished with this one. Thank you for the recommendations :)

Wow, your son can speak and write in 7 languages--that's impressive! I am fluent in three and know two others on a very basic level, so I definitely appreciate people who have a love for languages. He must have started learning them at a very young age--young children learn languages amazingly well and can absorb a few simultaneously, or they can learn them sequentially, one after another, with the same excellent result. He might end up working for the UN or some international corporation, or in politics. There's such a huge demand for people who are proficient in foreign languages. You raised him well, and he must be proud to have such a wonderful mom as yourself.

I'm not sure if I'll ever experience the joy of motherhood, but I guess if it's meant to be, it will somehow happen. I don't have an overwhelming desire yet at this point, but sometimes I feel like I would want to experience that role; only if I found the right man, of course. And I don't have that much time left if I want a healthy baby and to minimize any risks. I would certainly prefer not to wait till 40. But since I'm such a late bloomer and so "behind" with live's milestones, I don't know what will happen. On the upside, I'm also behind on the aging process, so that's something I'm not complaining about :D Anyway, thanks so much again for the inspiration and the book recommendations, Fabat. Have a wonderful week :wave:
btw sophia, if you're interested in additions to your book list, i would recommend 'the magic of believing'. it's a little outdated (they speculate about how great it would be to put a man on the moon), and a little bit business-oriented, but the message is really good. also, 'the glass castle' which is a memoir (not self-help) that for some reason left me feeling like just about anything is possible. oh, and any tony robbins, as cheesy as that sounds.
[QUOTE=opielonghorn]btw sophia, if you're interested in additions to your book list, i would recommend 'the magic of believing'. it's a little outdated (they speculate about how great it would be to put a man on the moon), and a little bit business-oriented, but the message is really good. also, 'the glass castle' which is a memoir (not self-help) that for some reason left me feeling like just about anything is possible. oh, and any tony robbins, as cheesy as that sounds.[/QUOTE]

Thank you Opie--of course I'm interested. Don't know about Tony Robbins, though--the man annoys me to no end--he seems fake for some reason. LOL

But I agree with you that a lot of times what we think is being "realistic" is actually being pessimistic. It's hard to recognize sometimes because it's usually a subconscious pattern of thought and reactions that we have engrained in us probably since childhood. It must be hard to change that, but obviously not impossible, from your example. I'm at a point where I'm really tired of feeling lonely and often miserable, and I want to get to a point where I'm actually enjoying my life, even as a single woman. Also, it's very true what you said about not caring too much about what people think of you. I have a good friend who told me the same thing, and she truly doesn't care what anyone thinks of her, to a large degree at least. She's had one of the most interesting lives I know about. She is capable of doing things no "realistic" person would have the courage to do and yet she always ends up not only ok, but very happy in the process.
[QUOTE=SophiaM] I have a good friend who told me the same thing, and she truly doesn't care what anyone thinks of her, to a large degree at least. She's had one of the most interesting lives I know about. She is capable of doing things no "realistic" person would have the courage to do and yet she always ends up not only ok, but very happy in the process.[/QUOTE]

i know the type you are talking about. i used to look at people like that and feel so jealous. i would think, how do they just get to do whatever they want? but now that i am doing exactly that, i have had people say to me that they are jealous of my life! which makes me laugh every time. that reminds me of my other favorite quote which i've written here before: you must do the thing you think you cannot do. i love that one and try to live by it as best as i can.

i know what you mean about things being ingrained. i had a really weird and somewhat depressing childhood, and never really thought anything was possible. it's such an insanely hard mindset to shake.

ha, tony robbins is a bit much! that's for sure.
[QUOTE=opielonghorn]i know the type you are talking about. i used to look at people like that and feel so jealous. i would think, how do they just get to do whatever they want? but now that i am doing exactly that, i have had people say to me that they are jealous of my life! which makes me laugh every time. that reminds me of my other favorite quote which i've written here before: you must do the thing you think you cannot do. i love that one and try to live by it as best as i can.[/QUOTE]

Yes, I've often felt envious of my friend--not in a bad way, but feeling like I wanted to experience some of the things she did too, but didn't have the guts to go for it. But it must be somewhere in me on some level because otherwise I don't think how we could become friends. I've known her for 14 years and we lost touch with each other several times (she moved and lived in a few different coutnries so far, so it can be hard to keep track! ;) ), but we always somehow find each other again. Sometimes by a miracle, literally--if I told you one story of how we got back in touch once, with not having each other's address or any info, and her living on a different continent, you would never believe it but it's too long for now. Anyway, I think that kind of life requires not only a lot of courage but also a huge amount of trust in the "Universe" and an unconventional mind. My friend had amazing, loving parents, siblings, and a very happy childhood from what she described, so she seems to have always had the self confidence and very little fear to go after what she wants. It must be more difficult to get to this point when you haven't received such support and such an encouraging environment, so I think you should be especially proud of yourself for overcoming all the obstacles and the ingrained patterns, and becoming free to be who you really want to be. I'm not there yet; I have a huge amount of fear, but hopefully slowly I'll be able to get over it. Love your quote, btw!
you are doing great so far. and i think you are right when you say there is a little bit of that mindset in you- like attracts like. that sounds like an awesome friend to have.
fear can be a real obstacle, i hear you there. as someone who has lived a good portion of my life in fear, i can vouch for that. but we must be a lot stronger than we think if we live in this whacked-out city. we just have to tease it out, i guess.
"another great thing i read that sticks in my mind is: care what others think and you become their slave. also very true. once i stopped caring, my world was a lot more pleasant to live in. "


I couldn't give a rat's *** what anyone think of me. I do whatever I can do to at least have a good time and forget about my problems for a sec, even though that means going to places by myself. Although it does get old...really fast. If any of you don't have boyfriend/girlfriend, then be happy that you have friends (assuming you do) and can spend time with them as opposed to having no friends and having to go places by yourself like I do.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]I am fluent in three and know two others on a very basic level, so I definitely appreciate people who have a love for languages.[/QUOTE]
:eek: you can speak 3 languages, toots!! i'm envious.. ;) i have enough trouble speaking english.. :D
[QUOTE=Lance0204]:eek: you can speak 3 languages, toots!! i'm envious.. ;) i have enough trouble speaking english.. :D[/QUOTE]

Well, it's never too late to learn, sweets. And don't forget that I haven't the foggiest idea about engineering ;)
RogueFox,
You spoke my exact mind. I was married and dumped suddenly nearly 10 years ago. I've stayed single ever since. I've dated a lot..just didn't let anyone in. I pushed many people away after getting so comfortable living alone. It gets hard to let someone in. Probably also is unconcious fear from what happened with the ex so suddenly with no warning whatsoever. So fear of letting someone in perhaps. But I really liked my schedule, doing my thing, etc. But I have worried about the same exact thing. Getting old, no kids, and being old with no one to help me, take care of me, love me etc. when my parents are gone etc. I have a sister and neice..but a neice is not like a child with being there for an elderly parent. So I worry about the exact same thing. I am about your age. I am in a relationship now..for less than a year and I have pushed it away at times. It's hard getting used to letting someone in once you have been alone so long. But I am working on it because this person is special. We've had rough times, but I know that's normal in relationships. But I still get scared sometimes since I really didn't mind being alone at all..liked it. But I want children and a family. So you can't get that goal alone. So I know your exact feelings. They plague me too. I am not getting any younger either. So you are not alone on those feelings!
[QUOTE=SecretAgent2]But I want children and a family. So you can't get that goal alone. So I know your exact feelings. They plague me too. I am not getting any younger either. So you are not alone on those feelings![/QUOTE]

Same here. I'm that age as well, and I get these feelings too. At least you're in a relationship now, so hopefully things will keep progressing and you will start trusting again and have a chance at a happy future with this guy. I am not in a relationship, nor do I know anyone I could potentially be in a relationship with. I try to stay optimistic, but some days are just tough. It's hard to watch other women younger than me plan their weddings and talk about their boyfriends and husbands. I feel like I'm missing my boat and it's kind of sad. So yeah, I relate too. Time goes by so fast--it's really weird. Sometimes I can't believe I'm not 24 anymore....LOL.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]

I'm not sure if I'll ever experience the joy of motherhood, but I guess if it's meant to be, it will somehow happen. I don't have an overwhelming desire yet at this point, but sometimes I feel like I would want to experience that role; only if I found the right man, of course. And I don't have that much time left if I want a healthy baby and to minimize any risks. I would certainly prefer not to wait till 40. But since I'm such a late bloomer and so "behind" with live's milestones, I don't know what will happen. On the upside, I'm also behind on the aging process, so that's something I'm not complaining about :D Anyway, thanks so much again for the inspiration and the book recommendations, Fabat. Have a wonderful week :wave:[/QUOTE]


Dear Sophia,

I pray that you do, if that's what you want, kiddo. It sounds like you do... but what I'm trying to advice you and everybody who wants to find a "good" mate is to first start from within. I'm not saying that it'll cure anything or it's the answer, but once you find "contenment" in yourself and within yourself, I think you will attract more people that way and hopefully, one of them will be a potential husband. That's just from my own experience and I'm not condemning going at it alone for the rest of your life, unless that's what one wants.

I wish nothing but good health, happiness, lots of laughter and all your wishes to come true Sophia. You deserve nothing less. :D
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Well, it's never too late to learn, sweets. And don't forget that I haven't the foggiest idea about engineering ;)[/QUOTE]

Engineering is a whole different launguage of its own! ;)


P.S. Sophia, I think it's great you're multi-lingual! Like Lance, I have trouble with English! LOL :D
[QUOTE=opielonghorn]btw sophia, if you're interested in additions to your book list, i would recommend 'the magic of believing'. it's a little outdated (they speculate about how great it would be to put a man on the moon), and a little bit business-oriented, but the message is really good. also, 'the glass castle' which is a memoir (not self-help) that for some reason left me feeling like just about anything is possible. oh, and any tony robbins, as cheesy as that sounds.[/QUOTE]


Love Tony Robbins! LOL You're right, he's cheesy, but his teachings work. LOL I went to one of his workshops and I left feeling I can move mountains. LOL I have to get that book Glass Castle. :D





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