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Relationship Health Message Board


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Re: Men....
Apr 14, 2006
LMH, so good to hear from you, sweetie, I hope things are going well for you, and I hope you have a worthy, interesting prospect that is causing you to ask this question!

How to know if a guy is for real? Well, I guess the hard part about dating is that you never really know for sure. But I agree that your instincts can serve you well if you use it. Many times we women want so badly for the search to be over and to just move onto the next phase of our life that we tend to want to cram a square peg into a round hole, ignore the red flags and ignore that gut feeling that something's not quite right. I think the most important thing we can do as far as figuring out which guys are for real, is to first be real with ourselves. To bel very, very clear up front what we want out of a relationship, what kind of man we are looking for, within reason of course, and simply not settle for less. Taking care of oursevles is job one, which sounds really contradictory at first, since love is supposed to be all about giving and sacrifice and compromise and putting the other person's needs ahead of your own. But I think we can do that without selling ourselves out in the process. If our guy has had a hard week and is working late, it's ok to break open your piggy bank a bit, sneak out of work a little early as long as all your work's done, and have a great dinner waiting for him when he comes home. But if he doesn't even say thank you, and makes a habit out of not saying thank you or greeting your gestures with lukewarm thanks and he never reciprocates, there's no need to pull the hurt little bunny routine, torturing yourself for weeks or months on end wondering why he doesn't love you enough and how can you be a better girlfriend and make him love you more. Face the fact that this guy isn't for you and move on. I can only speak for myself, but for me, that was my biggest fear in dating and wondering if the guy was a nice guy. My biggest fear was that I would find out he didn't love me or wasnt' the right one for me and I wouldn't know how or be able to get out once having commited myself. My fears came to realization, as I did find myself in a situation where I really should have gotten out but didn't, and ended up incredibly hurt. But even though I have times where I'm still really POd at my ex, I really don't blame anyone but myself for not having protected myself better. It's ok to expect and accept nothing less than the treatment you want and deserve. Recently there have been two guys who have been hot after me, and I haven't given either one the time of day, and I have received a lot of crap from several different people thinking I'm crazy, being way too picky or just being a b**ch. But I really don't care. I'm the best judge of what kind of man is right for me, and it has nothing to do with past hurts or baggage or anything stupid like that. I'm just very very clear on what I want, and what I will no longer waste my time on. Once you're very clear on that, and strong enough to refuse to settle for less, and trust yourself to protect yourself enough to walk away when that little voice tells you to, it really doesn't matter whether a guy is being for real or not. If he is, he'll earn his way into your heart, and if he isn't, he won't get far enough into it to cause much damage.





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