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[QUOTE=Hiya]I just feel bad that I let my frustration get to me and I said things I didn't even really mean. He was sooooo hard headed with me, and made such a stink about divorce, ranting that some commercial didn't show the father and how awful that is, and if I said "well, the demographic is to women since they do the shopping" he'd rant more. I liked Full House, and he said what a crappy show it was because it showed an unconventional family in a positive light. I was like "well, the mother died and the father needed help, so he got his dead wife's brother and his college friend and now they're a wacky, silly family that silly things happen to blah blah" "well, I don't care, they shouldn't be showing that"

I've always really admired Marie Osmond and after her divorce, she met her second husband about 5 months after her divorce and she knew she wanted to marry him after four dates. Yes, about 10 years into the marriage they split for a while, when she had her post partum stuff, but they got back together and are stronger than ever. I remember she said once that when she met her second husband that "Someone (meaning God) must have been looking out for me." because He sent her her second husband. Less than a year after her final papers were signed, the TTE was shacked up with my ex, so God was looking out for her, too.[/QUOTE]

I think I understand where you're coming from Hiya, even though we are different in some ways. You seem to be one of those people who is always thinking about everything on a larger and deeper level than most people are used to, which can definitely make one feel alienated and alone and different. I've felt that way a lot, because I don't click with a ton of people, but fortunately there are other people out there who think and care a lot...it's really important to have some other people in your life who generally get you. But honestly, I think if I'd gone through your life experiences, I might end up feeling a lot like you do. Most happy people, in my opinion, have gotten very lucky in certain respects...the problem starts when fortunate people start to think they have done something to deserve or merit their good luck. Unfortunately this is very common, in everyone from religious zealots who think other religious people deserve to suffer to our lovely president who as they say was born on third base but thinks he hit a triple.

I kind of feel lucky in the same way...my life is nice not really because of anything I did, but because I was born in America to a wealthy family who sent me to the very best schools and indulged me in whatever I found compelling. I also got fortunate being born smart and with the kind of looks men find difficult to resist when it comes to getting what I want, since after all men still rule the world and control most of its power. I don't think, well, I must have it good because I'm an atheist and a rather radical liberal and therefore everyone who isn't deserves to suffer and be lonely. But a lot of people of different religious and ideological persuasions seem to buy into that nonsense and make it very obvious how they feel...you know, poor people deserve their poverty, minorities wouldn't be oppressed if only they took personal responsibility, women wouldn't be raped and harrassed if not for those miniskirt wearing abortionist feminists. It really is sad, but most of the world thinks this way. I think one reason why I can really understand your feelings is that we both seem to think very hard about the world and feel terribly saddened by its reality.

Actually, in some ways you do have it easier than me because you subscribe to more societal norms about religion, sex, family, etc. than I do. I really think you could find people out there who you like who will make you feel loved and supported, even if it doesnít come in the form of a boyfriend/husband. I know you want that desperately, but in order to find the right guy, you have to get out there and meet people, and the way to do this is to start hanging out with people you really like who think similarly to you. Believe it or not, there are plenty of religious people or at least moral, spiritual people out there who think like you. It sounds like youíre already starting to meet some cool people...please donít think you have to love everyone you socialize with, because some acquaintances people are mostly useful in that they introduce you to other people with who you might click better, either as friends or something more. Try not to put pressure on yourself or expect too much too soon...I really hope youíll continue to get out there and hang out, play and listen to music, and just meet different people, because I know there are plenty of people out there who you would like if only you got to know them. But itís important to be brave and not care too much about what other people think of you when youíre around a group...I hate crowds too and get shy around people. I have to forcefully remind myself to just say hi and start talking because the chances are excellent that the other person is a bit nervous as well, but that they would genuinely enjoy talking. Someone has to make the first move, and Iím constantly surprised at how easy it is to socialize when Iím not scared of just saying hi and having a conversation with people.

The best advice I can give you is to do everything in your power not to feel bad and not to let what other people think get to you. Guilt and self-consciousness will only drag you down...the more you do what you want and what feels right to you, the happier and more fulfilling your life will be. The more you surround yourself with good people who care about you and the world, the more youíll enjoy yourself and the better your chances of meeting people who you truly click with. I know you think you blew your chance with your ex, but honestly, you never had a chance with him because heís not remotely good enough for or compatible with you. Things probably worked out with him and his wife, and what, one other girlfriend, because they are too stupid and passive to care that heís uptight and repressed enough to flip out at Full House and other wholesome corny family values entertainment. I mean, anyone who thinks that show represents moral degeneration has MAJOR problems and would not get along with anyone who sees the world clearly for what it is. The problem with you isnít that you werenít his ideal woman but that you donít realize the extraordinary extent to which he wasnít fit to kiss your feet. Just because he got married doesnít mean heís an admirable person with a worthwhile life, no matter how much you see marriage as what makes life worthwhile. There are so many horrible creeps, from mass murderers to serial rapists to child molesters, who seem to live happy family lives with their wives and kids from the outside.

That said, I do think youíre right that love is what makes life worthwhile, at least in large part, though Iíd also argue that pleasure and fulfillment should be the supreme goal of our existence. But love is ephemeral and hard to define...just look at all the people here in love with someone who treats them contemptibly and all the people who claim someone loves them when obviously that person couldnít care less. Most people want what you want, to feel loved and safe and intimate with someone they cherish deeply...thatís why even for people like me who love and enjoy sex no matter what, it is still better with someone for whom you have strong feelings. But some of the men I love the most, who have been the most amazing sexual partners, are guys with whom I wasnít exclusively involved...we were often just close friends who loved each other. And while Iíve hooked up with quite a large number of guys in different ways, only a small portion were guys with whom I didnít share mutual respect, affection, and friendship. And that small percent werenít guys I wanted anything to pan out with anyway. So I guess my point is that I agree that love and sex make life worth living, but I donít believe at all that marriage or even monogamy is necessary to enjoy such pleasures. Love comes in all different forms...just ask the people whose most intense love experience came in the context of an extramarital affair. I can see why the fairy tale kind of love is appealing, but once you have some experience with it, itís certainly not always all itís made out to be, and in most cases, I think it end up stifling and oppressive, just like you would have had to be to make things work with your ex. You would have totally had to suppress your true feelings, ideas, and desires in order not to offend his simple-minded, hypocritical, and arbitrary moral guidelines.

Please believe me that it doesnít have to be so all or nothingĖitís not like you can never find love or even marriage just because your ex was the wrong guy for you, and itís not like you have to be a religious republican to be happy. And it's certainly not the best, most deserving people out there who have no problem finding one great relationship after another--I'm actually this way, and I've never done anything to deserve it. In fact, I'm almost as bad as the elephant in mistreating guys, taking advantage of them, and making them look like hypocrites...having lots of relationships isn't really something to admire. If anything, it takes more guts and restraint to hold out for what you really want than just to fall into one relationship after another in order to have a steady partner. I've done that for way too long, and it's no good, because I wasn't being at all true to myself and what I want. You just need to be who you really truly are and make every effort to find people who will appreciate and admire you!! Just think of everyone here who loves you :)





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