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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


[QUOTE=Mcgunther]no I wouldnt consider that healthy. But of course I have a hard time knowing what is healthy. It seems like I always stuck between what I think I want and what I actually want. I guess when I mean good girl...I mean the type that doesnt cheat, and I guess that is it. I love every other quality that the party girl/vixen type displays. They usually are too into guys though. I think I am a man with a mind like a female.[/QUOTE]

Mcgunther, for what it's worth, I think there are girls of the type you find attractive who can and will be loyal/faithful/honest when they come across a special man they truly care for. I also had to reply to this because I've been spending a lot of time with my old friends (mostly male) lately, and whenever we talk about dating, they always tell me that I am a man stuck in the body of a sweet, innocent looking little blonde girl. Oh boy, if anyone who knows me sees that, there will no longer be any doubt in their minds as to who I am, but oh well. I've never really held back from being honest about what I do when it comes to this stuff, so who cares, anyway, sorry. But like you said mcgunther, that characterization of me as a woman with a man's mind holds true in many ways and accounts for a lot of my inner turmoil when it comes to things like talking about commitment and my feelings :p. That's probably also why I love men so much, both as friends and more than friends.

So, update-wise, I still haven't gotten up the nerve to bring up any of this stuff to the guy I mentioned earlier, who I will call J (he actually has the same name as the last boyfriend J who I referenced here last year for those of you with amazing memories). However, I think Hiya was right that he assumed that not bringing up exclusivity didn't mean we weren't exclusive, just the opposite in fact. He really seems to be thinking and acting like he's my boyfriend, and while a month ago I would have resisted that, I have to say now that it makes me pretty happy deep down. I like him A LOT--he's gorgeous, one of the best two or three lovers I've ever had (and yes there have been a lot, part of why I like to sleep with guys is to weed out the ones who don't do it for me sexually), very smart, perhaps smarter than me, which turns me on a lot, and he's also sweet and upfront and has his own life. Since I am often stubborn and difficult, I like that he's easygoing but not willing to let me walk all over him...in fact, I find myself wanting to be a nicer, more upstanding, and sweeter person when I'm around him.

As far as the exclusivity thing is concerned, I still don't really know what to do. I feel like I should have brought it up months ago if I was going to bring it up at all. In fact, thinking back, he did say something early on about birth control that made me think he saw us as exclusive nearly from the beginning. I also don't think he'd want me around him and his friends if he was dating other women...from what I've overheard, his close friends all know about me and seem to consider me his girlfriend. And he's super busy, but he always answers when I call or calls me right back...I think he might really like me like I like him, and that makes me okay with being his girlfriend. We actually talked a lot while I was gone the past week, and he apologized for being out of touch while he was swamped with finals and everything. He even wanted me to come by as soon as I got home, even though it was after 2 am and he had some college friends crashing at his house. I was excited to see him and he was really sweet, he wanted to hold me really close the whole night while we slept. I was pleased that he made time for me and my schedule right away, especially because this weekend is crazy for him...he has his friends there because they're all in a wedding and his family in town because he's graduating from grad school. Plus, he's moving to my hometown, and he knew before he decided to accept that job that I'd be living there too...so all in all, I feel a lot more confident in the whole thing than I felt before I left, when I posted the rest of this thread. I don't really want to date other guys, so I don't want to bring that up, though I think I will bring up the birth control thing he mentioned awhile back and gauge whether I'm right in my assessment of his thinking about us. I'm still not crazy about the idea of giving up all other men, but I think I probably should, as otherwise I would feel guilty and deceptive...so I will see where this goes.

Do you guys think I should just take down my dating site profile altogether? I guess part of me wants to be positive he's serious before I make those kind of sacrifices, but I do know it's not right to date other guys without letting him know. What should I do about the other guys I was seeing? Should I just disappear or should I tell them I only want to be friends now? Also, should I be nicer and more easy-going with J now than I have been in the past? It's tricky because I feel like part of what makes guys, him included, like me is that I am very tough to win over and I have really high standards for how they should treat me. I don't hesitate to disclose when I am unhappy with something but sometimes I take that too far and feel badly afterwards for giving someone a hard time...so do you guys think I should apologize or just try not to be so impatient and difficult?

Wow, I have really missed being able to get advice here...Eve, especially if you are reading, I'd love to hear your input, because you seem to have truly understood where I was coming from on this monogamy stuff all along. Also, I really appreciate friends like Hiya and Sophia being so understanding as well...it takes a lot of compassion and intellect to put yourself in someone else's shoes when that person's nature probably strikes you as quite odd. Oh well, I am nothing if not peculiar, and I don't mind that, I'd just like to be the best Stacy I can be, and sometimes I need help to see how to best treat others.
Well sweety, you sound like a girl in love. :D

[QUOTE=Veronica_Mars]
However, I think Hiya was right that he assumed that not bringing up exclusivity didn't mean we weren't exclusive, just the opposite in fact. He really seems to be thinking and acting like he's my boyfriend, and while a month ago I would have resisted that, I have to say now that it makes me pretty happy deep down. I like him A LOT--he's gorgeous, one of the best two or three lovers I've ever had (and yes there have been a lot, part of why I like to sleep with guys is to weed out the ones who don't do it for me sexually), very smart, perhaps smarter than me, which turns me on a lot, and he's also sweet and upfront and has his own life. Since I am often stubborn and difficult, I like that he's easygoing but not willing to let me walk all over him...in fact, I find myself wanting to be a nicer, more upstanding, and sweeter person when I'm around him. [/QUOTE]
Everything a strong woman wants in a man. What is the harm in staying with him a while and seeing where this goes? You, becoming exclusive does put your heart at risk, but sometimes the most rewarding things are risky.
[QUOTE=Veronica_Mars]
As far as the exclusivity thing is concerned, I still don't really know what to do. I feel like I should have brought it up months ago if I was going to bring it up at all. In fact, thinking back, he did say something early on about birth control that made me think he saw us as exclusive nearly from the beginning. I also don't think he'd want me around him and his friends if he was dating other women...from what I've overheard, his close friends all know about me and seem to consider me his girlfriend. And he's super busy, but he always answers when I call or calls me right back...I think he might really like me like I like him, and that makes me okay with being his girlfriend.[/QUOTE]
I don't think you really need to talk to him to make a decision, for yourself, about becoming exclusive. You can choose to do it. Although, as great as he seems, I'd still want to know he wasn't seeing anyone else as well.
[QUOTE=Veronica_Mars]
Plus, he's moving to my hometown, and he knew before he decided to accept that job that I'd be living there too...so all in all, I feel a lot more confident in the whole thing than I felt before I left, when I posted the rest of this thread. I don't really want to date other guys, so I don't want to bring that up, though I think I will bring up the birth control thing he mentioned awhile back and gauge whether I'm right in my assessment of his thinking about us.[/QUOTE]
He should have brought up birth control, isn't he a doctor, or studying to be one? I'm glad you are both thinking of this, but was he asking if you are already on it or if you are going on it? I mean, didn't he consider the possibility that you may already be sexually active? Perhaps that was his way of asking if you were seeing other men now?
[QUOTE=Veronica_Mars]
I'm still not crazy about the idea of giving up all other men, but I think I probably should, as otherwise I would feel guilty and deceptive...so I will see where this goes. [/QUOTE]
Exclusive means exclusive. But, you know this. ;)
[QUOTE=Veronica_Mars]
Do you guys think I should just take down my dating site profile altogether? I guess part of me wants to be positive he's serious before I make those kind of sacrifices, but I do know it's not right to date other guys without letting him know. What should I do about the other guys I was seeing? Should I just disappear or should I tell them I only want to be friends now? [/QUOTE]
You can hide your site, make it not searchable, until you are sure that you are ready to stop looking. That way you won't get any new responses. Any men that you are now chatting with and haven't met can get a nice note that you've met someone really wonderful and you want to give that relationship your best shot right now. The men you are seeing, and sleeping with.........well, that's a little bit harder. These relationships are what they are. Now you are trying to change the deal well into them. You will certainly find out which ones are truly your friends and which ones aren't. But that is a good thing to know. The point is, if you decide you want to be exclusive with your J, you will have to bite the bullet and tell these other men. Disappearing is a little girls way out. If you are old enough to sleep with them, you're old enough to end it with them, decently and responsibly. It's ok, you can handle it, this is part of living life the way you chose it. Living with this kind of freedom can be responsible or irresponsible, men running away without a word is exactly the kind of irresponsible behavior that sends so many women to this board, what would you say, of a man, who behaves that way?
[QUOTE=Veronica_Mars]
Also, should I be nicer and more easy-going with J now than I have been in the past? It's tricky because I feel like part of what makes guys, him included, like me is that I am very tough to win over and I have really high standards for how they should treat me. I don't hesitate to disclose when I am unhappy with something but sometimes I take that too far and feel badly afterwards for giving someone a hard time...so do you guys think I should apologize or just try not to be so impatient and difficult? [/QUOTE]
I think it's perfectly acceptable to keep your standards high and maintain a life for yourself. These things do attract a man. But, I think a man also needs to know that a woman will accept him for what he is and he needs to know that you stand in his corner. Your softer feelings are evolving, as I think they should. Does that mean you will become a doormat? Of course not. Loving feelings and actions are different then doormat feelings and actions. Doormat feelings are about denial of self and self-needs. As long as you don't give to your own detriment, you can give honestly. Either way, at some point those softer, accepting and loving feeling are necessary to build the bonds I think you are hoping for. Neither of you should be forever walking on egg shells around the other. A relationship, with that much tension, can't last. At some point you need to take the chance of showing him your feelings, but I'd wait until he shows his first. Let him use the L word, when he's comfortable with it, first.
Wow, an exciting and scary time for you, but it sounds like it might be worth the trouble. Keep us posted on how things are going.
Eve
oh mcgunther, what happened to your post? i wanted to reply to it. anyway yeah you guys, i think i'm just a little crazy. it seems like every single day i change my mind about what i want ESPECIALLY when it comes to men, who are by far my most time and energy consuming vice. last night and today i've been convincing myself that i just need to avoid any and all boyfriends until i can settle down a little and not be constantly flirting and tempted and just BAD. tomorrow, i might change my mind back, but the more i think about it, the more i think that j (my secret code name for almost every guy it seems) hasn't really done anything that makes him deserving of me to be monogamous or whatever you want to call it. maybe i'm just ticked off at him for no good reason, but that's the way i'm feeling...

sophia, thank you so much for being so understanding, you are a great friend. it's not often that i find girl friends who i really like, have a lot in common with, and understand each other. for some reason i have NO trouble in that regard with men...maybe some women should have just been born men? or maybe it's because men are always willing to be "friends" with women if they think there is a chance they might get laid. i'm actually surprised you don't have mostly male friends considering...can you tell me more about what kind of guys you like? there i go with the matchmaking again :).

so yeah, unfortunately for me and this whole situation, it's been one step forward and two steps backwards. i have finally made a firm decision to take my profile off the online dating site i never liked that much, but then again, i've also been talking to a ton of guys on email and my friend/networking site. am i being an idiot or a jerk if i agree to go out with other guys? i honestly don't feel like i should feel guilty, because i am not making and breaking any promises to anyone, but at the same time, i spend a lot of time wondering if i should feel guilty for things i don't feel guilty for, then i just do whatever i want anyway. maybe i just need to grow up? after all it wasn't too long ago that i was in much more chaos and drama when it came to men/sex/temptation/drama, now at least i have learned not to pretend i want a boyfriend and a relationship if i just don't, and right now my instincts are telling me NO NO NO not just one boy!! so maybe that is some progress, albeit in baby steps. either that or i'm just mean and selfish and a player. i really hope that's not true but you are right sophia that we cannot really change the people we are deep down. and it is very accurate to say that i get bored WAY too easily and probably need too much stimulation compared to "normal" people, also i don't know why, but i love power and control and i want them, i really do. in answer to your question when i feel rebellious it almost always involves me WANTING to do something that other people/society/the government might think was bad or wrong or something. part of me really doesn't want to or like to live by the same customs and traditions and assumptions and prejudices as the rest of the world. the only problem with that is that i don't have much of a choice about living amongst the rest of the world, at least no choice i can see as remotely appealing. although...patrick always wanted to move to mars, he's convinced that it's going to happen, maybe that's not a bad plan? :D (just kidding).





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