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Hi plasmodiumovale,
I am 6 months out of my 2-year relationship. Actually, my relationship ended a LOT like yours except it was half as long and we didn't live together. We talked of marriage all the time, and I actually sort of regarded him as my fiancee. I know that sounds silly, but I did. I just knew it would happen with the way we were talking, and I just thought we were perfect. He was even talking about where to look at rings, we had the kids names picked out, the whole deal.
Well, he left me for another girl too, although he will lie about it to everyone to this day, including himself. I even think he may have cheated on me (if not physically, definitely emotionally). He says it happened 'afterwards', but please, I saw the signs. He dragged me around for a month too, not even telling me it was really over. He pretty much woke up one day and started acting differently toward me (not wanting to see me much and getting angry/hostile and everything was my fault). He was a new student in dental school (moved here for me, we had been long distance before) so I made a lot of excuses for him, but one of the girls in his program who lived downstairs who was one of his new 'friends', I guess he just felt it was more convenient and easy to date her in his building than it was to travel across Manhattan to see the one he wanted to marry. Go figure.
As you can see, Im still angry too. I haven't dated anyone yet seriously, its just been 5-6 months. I think what you are feeling is very normal, but unfortunate. I, too, like you, feel anger all the time, constantly, and although I can look at his/our pictures without crying or wanting to kill him, I get anxiety walking around the city because Im afraid I will run into him (or him and her) and will do something psychotic like punch him. I, too, want these feelings to just go away because Im tired of them. They just dont too easily.
I agree with the others that maybe this new boyfriend isn't right for you. I agree not to settle, as hard as it is, because you want to feel loved again and make that connection. I dont know if I'll ever find anyone that I connected with as well as with my ex (scary isnt it?), but Ive learned these past 6 months that there were a lot of things wrong with him that I was too in love to see. However, I dont know if I'll ever find anyone with his positives. Too bad he ruined all those positives when he did what he did to me! Im glad you say that you wouldnt take him back in a million years...I feel the same way. Yet I agree when you say you want to go back to how it was.
I dont know what I can suggest to you...I think if my ex emailed me now out of the blue I would relapse too, and he might any day now because he still has my things (he refused to travel to give them back to me!). I suggest to everyone going through devastating breakups like mine to make a major life change- move, start a new job, something to really put the focus on yourself and give yourself some new opportunities. I know its been a year and a half and you say that you reached balance...I too feel that way but every now and then I still relapse with anger when I think of him (and I do everyday).
Maybe see a therapist? I still see one to work with all of the residual s**t, and while I cant say it helps with the anger too much, it does allow yourself to just get it all out and sort out your thoughts. You can also see through counseling how some of your anger is really just irrational, and it helps to clear it out.
It is a process of getting over someone. You were with him 4 years, you thought it would be a lifetime. I can totally understand how you want him out of your head- I get so frustrated every day over it too. Its just that he most likely will e in there (in some form) until you meet someone that is him and so much more. Thats my guess anyway. Look at betsy jeans story- thats inspiring!
I can't tell you how much I can relate and I feel your pain. There are so many things I question and fear and I feel so much resentment that my life got so changed and he just moved right on and doesnt look back. Hang in there, I really do understand.

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