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I am in my late 20's. It's been a year-and-a-half since my ex left, following a 4-year live-in relationship that I'd hoped would lead to marriage.

The main reason he left is he met a girl at work, started a relationship, slept with her at least once (homewrecker!), and decided he'd rather be with her than commit to working out our problems. He would say how he loved me, that we were so lucky we'd found each other, etc., and the next thing I know, he's moving out, and nothing I could say was going to change his mind! But he gave me false hope for a few months and hurt me very very deeply. It took everything I had to try to forgive him and move on. (I ended up so severely depressed I could barely function and could not stop crying for months, but eventually found balance again.)

For awhile, I thought I'd forgiven him, although I no longer wanted him in my life in any way. (Well, I wanted back the years and dreams I'd lost but knew that was impossible.)

I've been seeing someone new for almost a year now and do love my new boyfriend.

However, I have 2 problems.

1) Ever since my ex emailled me a month ago regarding sending back a few of my belongings, I realize the anger is still significant. It's like much of the initial anger came back and won't go away again. I just keep thinking I wish I'd never met him.
I've long since thrown out every love letter, photo, etc. The only thing I still have from him is some jewelry. (I'm planning to give to relatives when I get around to it.) I just don't know how to make this anger go away.


2) Although I love my new boyfriend, I don't feel the same would-walk-to-the-ends-of-the-earth emotional connection with him. I think this is because my ex was much more emotional (not afraid to cry, etc.) while my new boyfriend rarely expresses emotions (partly due to cultural reasons, as he was born in a country where people are rarely outwardly emotional.) I also realize it took 4 years and him moving out for me to feel so strongly about my ex, but I miss the emotional openness we shared. My new bf has many positive qualities my ex didn't have, but emotional openness is very important to me. I feel like without that emotional openness, I can't be as commited as I was to my ex.

So I guess I need advice from anyone who has lost a love, been absolutely devasted over it, yet was able to eventually get 100% over the loss and love someone else **without, in any way, comparing the feelings for your new love to the feelings you had for your ex** I've thought I was 100% over the break-up, but then anger comes back. So how do you know when you've permanently moved-on?

I really want things to work out with my new boyfriend, but this lingering anger and thoughts of my ex aren't fair to him, and hold me back from getting completely emotionally attached again.

I would not take my ex back even if he won 100 million dollars in the lottery and showed up on my doorstep begging, yet I still think of him every day (mostly with anger.)

How do I get him out of my head for good?

I especially need advice besides "wait longer," because it's been a year-and-a-half, and I want to be intimate with my new bf without thoughts of my ex poisoning my mind.

Thanks to all who have read this or respond with advice on any of this...
Hi plasmodiumovale,
I am 6 months out of my 2-year relationship. Actually, my relationship ended a LOT like yours except it was half as long and we didn't live together. We talked of marriage all the time, and I actually sort of regarded him as my fiancee. I know that sounds silly, but I did. I just knew it would happen with the way we were talking, and I just thought we were perfect. He was even talking about where to look at rings, we had the kids names picked out, the whole deal.
Well, he left me for another girl too, although he will lie about it to everyone to this day, including himself. I even think he may have cheated on me (if not physically, definitely emotionally). He says it happened 'afterwards', but please, I saw the signs. He dragged me around for a month too, not even telling me it was really over. He pretty much woke up one day and started acting differently toward me (not wanting to see me much and getting angry/hostile and everything was my fault). He was a new student in dental school (moved here for me, we had been long distance before) so I made a lot of excuses for him, but one of the girls in his program who lived downstairs who was one of his new 'friends', I guess he just felt it was more convenient and easy to date her in his building than it was to travel across Manhattan to see the one he wanted to marry. Go figure.
As you can see, Im still angry too. I haven't dated anyone yet seriously, its just been 5-6 months. I think what you are feeling is very normal, but unfortunate. I, too, like you, feel anger all the time, constantly, and although I can look at his/our pictures without crying or wanting to kill him, I get anxiety walking around the city because Im afraid I will run into him (or him and her) and will do something psychotic like punch him. I, too, want these feelings to just go away because Im tired of them. They just dont too easily.
I agree with the others that maybe this new boyfriend isn't right for you. I agree not to settle, as hard as it is, because you want to feel loved again and make that connection. I dont know if I'll ever find anyone that I connected with as well as with my ex (scary isnt it?), but Ive learned these past 6 months that there were a lot of things wrong with him that I was too in love to see. However, I dont know if I'll ever find anyone with his positives. Too bad he ruined all those positives when he did what he did to me! Im glad you say that you wouldnt take him back in a million years...I feel the same way. Yet I agree when you say you want to go back to how it was.
I dont know what I can suggest to you...I think if my ex emailed me now out of the blue I would relapse too, and he might any day now because he still has my things (he refused to travel to give them back to me!). I suggest to everyone going through devastating breakups like mine to make a major life change- move, start a new job, something to really put the focus on yourself and give yourself some new opportunities. I know its been a year and a half and you say that you reached balance...I too feel that way but every now and then I still relapse with anger when I think of him (and I do everyday).
Maybe see a therapist? I still see one to work with all of the residual s**t, and while I cant say it helps with the anger too much, it does allow yourself to just get it all out and sort out your thoughts. You can also see through counseling how some of your anger is really just irrational, and it helps to clear it out.
It is a process of getting over someone. You were with him 4 years, you thought it would be a lifetime. I can totally understand how you want him out of your head- I get so frustrated every day over it too. Its just that he most likely will e in there (in some form) until you meet someone that is him and so much more. Thats my guess anyway. Look at betsy jeans story- thats inspiring!
I can't tell you how much I can relate and I feel your pain. There are so many things I question and fear and I feel so much resentment that my life got so changed and he just moved right on and doesnt look back. Hang in there, I really do understand.





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