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[QUOTE=mrsnank]If they process the situation differently then they shouldn't be in the situation at all. This is where I am going to stand up for some men that get dogged and a bad wrap. [B]If some can't handle like an adult [/B] then they shouldn't put the man in that situation. [/QUOTE]

This goes to the point I was making about it being socially acceptable. This idea that is so prevalent today of if you can't "handle" a casual sex relationship with no commitment and no strings, then you're not an "adult."

And yes, Eve makes an excellent point, again, the point I was trying to make as well, that some women don't know they will get attached until after they are in the relationship. Our society expects us to take sex in such a casual, non-commital way that we feel shamed when we don't "just go for it" or have a little fun with our bodies, and when we discover that we do develop feelings, then we're "dogging" men and being childish. I don't think anyone here has dogged citygirl's DC guy. I just have a sneaking suspicion that citygirl thought she could keep it light and casual, but is discovering to her surprise that she developed feelings that she can't even quite explain, and expects to be treated like a girlfriend, and not like a booty call. I think a woman should always stand up for herself and demand the kind of respect and treatment she wants and believes she deserves. But that includes letting go of a situation if it turns out to be a situation in which a certain amount of anonymity, casualness and even disrespect is built in. I think sometimes it just takes a while for it to sink in. With my FWB situation, the guy got to a point where he talked about a "quickie" and once, we were sitting there listening to cds and he just reached over and grabbed my chest. I was shocked and very offended and told him that wasn't ok and he said "well, it's not like I haven't seen it before." It was then that I realized what I had gotten myself into. I didn't get mad or blame him. I had agreed to a FWB type of situation, and that's what a FWB situation is. I just wasn't fully aware of what it really meant. I decided I was better than that, I deserved more respect and dignity than that, so instead of demanding my FWB treat me more like a girlfriend, I simply ended the FWB relationship, and now I know better than to ever get into one again.
[QUOTE=Hiya] It was then that I realized what I had gotten myself into. I didn't get mad or blame him. I had agreed to a FWB type of situation, and that's what a FWB situation is. I just wasn't fully aware of what it really meant. I decided I was better than that, I deserved more respect and dignity than that, so instead of demanding my FWB treat me more like a girlfriend, I simply ended the FWB relationship, and now I know better than to ever get into one again.[/QUOTE]

Hiya,
I agree that we, as women, are putting alot of pressure on ourselves. Some women have no problem with FWBs or sex almost immediately when a relationship starts, and when that works for them I think it's great. But many of us think we should behave the way, the rest behave. We think it's "The way things are" or "I won't keep the guy because other girls are doing it". So we do things we aren't fully comfortable doing, sooner then we feel comfortable doing them. I think part of this is a process of learning what we are, and are not, comfortable with but I think it's also part of learning what we are willing to tolerate and what we won't tolerate. There are many degrees of "relationship" between men and women. I think we have seen almost all of them, on this board, and each degree seems to be defined by certain characteristics. It helps when women know, going in, what their immediate and long term romantic goals are. Then when they see where the relationship is going they will have a much easier time deciding if it is meeting those goals.
It was then that I realized what I had gotten myself into. I didn't get mad or blame him. I had agreed to a FWB type of situation, and that's what a FWB situation is. I just wasn't fully aware of what it really meant. I decided I was better than that, I deserved more respect and dignity than that, so instead of demanding my FWB treat me more like a girlfriend, I simply ended the FWB relationship, and now I know better than to ever get into one again.

I have to disagree with this, just because it implies that anyone in a bed buddy situation isn't being treated wtih dignity or respect, and I just don't believe that is true IF there is a friendship there and honesty, for me anyways. I'm not a person who needs a relationship to be happy, and in fact there have been times in my life when I genuinely wasn't just looking for one and I would go as far as to say didn't want one. Also, don't you think that people rush into a commitment these days? what ever happened to dating and getting to know someone before having expectations of it " leading to something"...I think sometimes women put wayyyyy too much pressure on themselves to have a serious relationships, have it lead to something, when in reality some things aren't meant to go anywhere and are just fun . I also have to say that some of my best friends today are people I have bed buddied with in the past I can say for a fact that they do respect me and treat me with dignity and always did. now mind you, I'm not someone who puts up with much from people, I have a pretty low tolerance level and expect to be treated nicely by both friends and boyfriends, and my husband now. If you aren't comfortable doing it, don't do it. But some women are capable of enjoying this type of relationship just as men are, and I don't think they should be looked down apon because they aren't searching for a boyfriend...and it certainly shoudln't be assumed they have no self respect and are just doing it in hopes the guy will change his mind and want a girlfriend out of it..although that does happen sometimes when you aren't looking...cheers
[QUOTE=jenna_250]It was then that I realized what I had gotten myself into. I didn't get mad or blame him. I had agreed to a FWB type of situation, and that's what a FWB situation is. I just wasn't fully aware of what it really meant. I decided I was better than that, I deserved more respect and dignity than that, so instead of demanding my FWB treat me more like a girlfriend, I simply ended the FWB relationship, and now I know better than to ever get into one again.

I have to disagree with this, just because it implies that anyone in a bed buddy situation isn't being treated wtih dignity or respect, and I just don't believe that is true IF there is a friendship there and honesty, for me anyways. I'm not a person who needs a relationship to be happy, and in fact there have been times in my life when I genuinely wasn't just looking for one and I would go as far as to say didn't want one. Also, don't you think that people rush into a commitment these days? what ever happened to dating and getting to know someone before having expectations of it " leading to something"...I think sometimes women put wayyyyy too much pressure on themselves to have a serious relationships, have it lead to something, when in reality some things aren't meant to go anywhere and are just fun . I also have to say that some of my best friends today are people I have bed buddied with in the past I can say for a fact that they do respect me and treat me with dignity and always did. now mind you, I'm not someone who puts up with much from people, I have a pretty low tolerance level and expect to be treated nicely by both friends and boyfriends, and my husband now. If you aren't comfortable doing it, don't do it. But some women are capable of enjoying this type of relationship just as men are, and I don't think they should be looked down apon because they aren't searching for a boyfriend...and it certainly shoudln't be assumed they have no self respect and are just doing it in hopes the guy will change his mind and want a girlfriend out of it..although that does happen sometimes when you aren't looking...cheers[/QUOTE]

Well, I would submit that even if two people agree to just keep the sex light and casual with no feelings or deep emotions, that's kind of an agreed upon, mutual disrespect. But that's just my opinion. With my FWB, the only reason I even attempted it with the person I did was because I knew him to be rather shallow and knew he would never form any deep feelings for me, and there was absolutely no danger of me forming feelings for him, to keep the complication to a minimum. Just "fun" and to see if it would help me get over my ex. Even though we were friends, I think the amount of respect we had for each other was limited. If I had really respected him as a human being and thought him a truly decent, good, worthy person, I never would have agreed to a FWB situation with him. What makes is "safe" from complication and developing really deep feelings and emotions is the inherent lack of deep, true respect. Or so was the case with me.

I don't think anyone is looking down on citygirl, I know I'm not. I also think it depends on how you define "respect." Some women would not consider "hey baby, come over, how about a quickie?" disrespectful, whereas some women would consider that incredibly disrespectful. Mind you, you don't have to actually call it a quickie in order for it to be a quickie. But I agree, some women don't need love, tenderness and caring and sensitivity to enjoy sex, but some do. They need the pampering, the staying all night, knowing the man WANTS her to sleep beside him all night, the dinner, wine, dancing, conversation, etc. I myself was raised in a rather old fashioned way I guess, but I'm totally ok with it. My mother always told me that it's a bad idea to even date someone who you would never even consider marrying.

I'm just saying, I think citygirl is still undecided and unsure as to which kind of woman she is. She wants fun, diversion and something to get her mind off her ex, but she also wants to be treated like a girlfriend. It would be a good idea for her to do some soul searching and really decide in concrete what kind of woman she is, and stick to it. I guess you could say what it comes down to is, is this FWB relationship of hers an either/or type of thing, meaning has it permanently deteriorated into a "hey baby, how bout a quickie, but we have to be done by 11 because I have other things to do" kind of thing, or is the guy still interested in the romance stuff, sleeping over all night, wine and dine and conversation? I'm not sure it is, I think that remains to be seen, but I think the time is coming where citygirl will have to make a choice.





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