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I have read a lot over the past few days of what people are going through. Even posted a few responses. I was looking for someone in a somewhat similar situation to get some help without actually having to share my own story. NO LUCK. I am in a very difficult agonizing situation and I honestly don't know what to do. I am soooooo torn that it is killing me and consumes my every thaught. It is such a long story that I don't even now where to begin nor how much info will fit in this thread.

I have a very strong suspition that my husband really doesn't want to be here anymore. He has completely shut down and backed off away from me. About 3 1/2 years ago we separated because our marriage had just fallen apart beyond fixing at that point. He has what I believe to be Bipolar disorder. I always refer to him as being manic drepressive. My first two children are from a previous marriage where my husband passed away. So I was a single mom for close to five years. We met, started dating and got married fairly quickly. Two years later I became pregnant and our relationship just crumbled. He did not under any curcomstances want his own child. He was a wonderful father to my other two and was happy with them. As soon as I became pregnant he completely backed away from me. Said he looked at me all motherly now. We hadn't had a sexual relationship from then on for two years. It was very difficult and I cried every night for a whole year. After that I stopped crying and built up a wall between us. I always say "when a women stops crying, watch out". A few months before we separated, maybe longer we started having a sexual relationship again. He could see and feel my distance though. I had started a new job and was feeling really good about myself and had gained a lot of confidence and self respect back that was taken from me. When he noticed I was not feeling the same way anymore and realized that he had done this he immediately assumed that I was having an affair. Of course I was NOT!! We then discussed everything that had happened and he asked me if I still loved him. It took me a week to really process all this information and go over the past couple of years. At the end of the week he asked again and I said no. He immediately jumped up and stated then we will have to divorce that it was over. I became numb and completely pissed off that I had tolerated that behavior for two years and then the one time I said something he didn't like he was out the door. Needless to say, I didn't fight him on it at all. I new that if we were ever going to work things out we needed to be apart.

He moved to another state and moved in with a family member. We would meet every weekend to exchange our daughter. He was so cruel all the time. So mean and hurtful while we were apart. As if I had devestated him and he was seaking revenge. All I did was answer a question and stopped loving him because of what he had done and he had behaved. Anyway, our separation was ok for the first month. Then, my two older kids melted down. It was horrible. The effects on them were tremendous. I was working so much just to support them alone again and going through a tough time to boot. After another couple of months we had missed eachother so much and were really really talking and discussing what went wrong and how we had gotten married way too quickly and so on. We had decided to get back together and we both were so happy and excited again. More than when we were first married.

I then moved myself and the kids to the new state he was in. He found us a home pretty quickly and we moved. The first year together was wonderful. Better than ever before. Part of us getting back together was agreeing that I needed to stay home and take care of the kids. No more chaos of babysitters and running around picking up kids and they would be able to join after school activities. The perfect home setting. Not too long after we moved, I started to become very ill. After about 6 months of that I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Now I have completely changed into a different person. I am not the fun loving energetic person I was. I am always in pain and very sick. Taking different medicines and coping with the loss of who I once was. In the midst of that, we attending a gathering where I had been sexually assaulted. Since then I have gained a lot of weight from many different medicines I have tried to get my illness under control. Everything that has happened to me. The illness and the assault he has taken on as something that has happened to him. Like his life is over, it's affecting him. Instead of being there for me, he is the victom. I am the one going through the pain and he is the one that is supposed to be there for me, not the other way around.

Now we are back to where we were before. He has completely shut down and backed away from me. I have learned my lesson from the past and have tried to approach him and be affectionate still. I have tried talking to him about what is going on and that if we don't fix this, we will end up divorcing. I don't want that to happen. We have not had "relations" in maybe 6 months. He is seriously bothered by the fact that we have nothing in common anymore. We don't like the same shows, same movies, and since my illness, the same activities. He is a get up and go kind of person. My get up and go has gone up and went. I wish I weren't that way, but I have no control over it. We barely even talk to eachother anymore. It's like he doesn't even want to be around me. We haven't slept in the same bed for a very long time. He goes to bed at 9, I am not ready for sleep then. Kids are still up and my sleep meds haven't kicked in. I can't just go to bed while everyone is still up and/or getting ready for bed. He get's up at 5:30 for work, so he has to go to bed that early. I totally get it. Do to my illness I need solid sleep or I will be horrible the next day. He snores really bad. He has even had surgery for apnea and it is still so loud that I can't sleep so this is the only alternative for us both to get a good nights rest. I am ok with that if everything was good. When I tried talking to him about our problems, he said he is just so spent from working and the stress from hating his career and financial things and kids that he has nothing left to give me. He has nothing left. He hasn't even tried. Eventhough I said we will end up divorced he hasn't tried anything. I have tried things here and there. I will go up to him and hug him from behind while he is standing there. He won't even flinch. I will go up to our bedroom and try to start a conversation, but I don't get much in return. He will never come sit next to me and just start talking. He looks at me, when he does, with a blank expression. It's crushing. I truly believe that he hasn't left yet because of the humiliation of having to live with a family member before. We cannot afford to be apart. I believe that he is waiting for his mom to pass to get his (large inheritence) then he will be able to afford to go. One of my main concerns about leaving now is financial. There is no way I can work now with my illness flaring up so bad. There are days that I have a hard time walking. How would I support our children? Where would we live? It affected them so badly before, I can't bare to do it to them again. What about my illness and insurance? I can't bare to have him be so cruel again like the last time we split. It was beyond horrible. I can't take that again with everything I am going through now. I know that I can't live like this either. It is killing me inside. I still love him, but I do not like him. He has shown me that he is not the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He has abandoned me when I needed him most. Imagine if I were mangled in a car crash and he had to physically take care of me then. He obviously couldn't. That's what love and marriage is. I would do it for him without hesitation. If we were ever to work through this, how could I let go of the fact that I had to go through all this without him. Without his love, comapssion and support. I can't tell you the last time I received some sort of a compliment. Heard I Love You. I am actually, besides my medical issues, quite a catch. I never nag about bills or money or his career. Nothing. I clean the house everday, that my body allows. I am all around a genuinly calm nice person, not selfish by any means. I don't spend money like crazy and put us into debt. I am very conservative about things like that. I am very supportive and complimentative. We have been married now for 8 1/2 years. I want to do what's right for me and our children, but I also don't want to make a foolish mistake. My mom thinks I should do nothing right now because of my situation. She means it from the heart. She truly understands what I am going through.

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