It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


[QUOTE=Nina000]How would you instantly react HWS? How could you possibly take it off your chest? Just curious to know how to treat someone who shows this bluntness to a live-in gf!!!! It is not a crime if she accepts it......... :confused:[/QUOTE]

I personally would just tell him it's not cool with me. Since I've already decided for myself that this is one of my rules for life and I simply do not want to be with a man who would do this, I would just leave. I don't believe in wasting time with some jerk who doesn't care how I feel. But this girl doesn't want to leave, looks like she doesn't even really want to make waves. But even if she did the same thing in front of him, that's no guarantee that it will evoke the same response from him that she had. He might not even care. That's not where the real power lies, in trying to control his emotions. The real power lies in standing firm in what you will and won't accept. I think the only way she can have real power in this situation is to sit him down and say "this is how I felt when I was watching you with that stripper, and I never want to feel this way again, it's not right, I'm not cool with it, and if you want to stay with me, you'll never, EVER do that again." Believe me, he will have more respect for you if you lay down the law than he will if you try to be the "cool" girlfriend. If he really loves you and really cares about how you feel and doesn't want to see you hurt, he never will do it again. If he insists it's no big deal, you need to lighten up, quit nagging, etc. then you have a choice to make. Set a precedent of him walking all over your feelings, not respecting your rules for life, and letting him get away with other things down the road, or perhaps cutting your losses now instead of a few years, a few more thigh dimples and face lines down the road after you've learned that you really aren't that compatible, he really doesn't care how you feel about things, and when it will be 100 times harder to find someone else who will really love and cherish you and care about and respect your feelings.
[QUOTE=Hiya]I personally would just tell him it's not cool with me. Since I've already decided for myself that this is one of my rules for life and I simply do not want to be with a man who would do this, I would just leave. I don't believe in wasting time with some jerk who doesn't care how I feel. But this girl doesn't want to leave, looks like she doesn't even really want to make waves. But even if she did the same thing in front of him, that's no guarantee that it will evoke the same response from him that she had. He might not even care. That's not where the real power lies, in trying to control his emotions. The real power lies in standing firm in what you will and won't accept. I think the only way she can have real power in this situation is to sit him down and say "this is how I felt when I was watching you with that stripper, and I never want to feel this way again, it's not right, I'm not cool with it, and if you want to stay with me, you'll never, EVER do that again." Believe me, he will have more respect for you if you lay down the law than he will if you try to be the "cool" girlfriend. If he really loves you and really cares about how you feel and doesn't want to see you hurt, he never will do it again. If he insists it's no big deal, you need to lighten up, quit nagging, etc. then you have a choice to make. Set a precedent of him walking all over your feelings, not respecting your rules for life, and letting him get away with other things down the road, or perhaps cutting your losses now instead of a few years, a few more thigh dimples and face lines down the road after you've learned that you really aren't that compatible, he really doesn't care how you feel about things, and when it will be 100 times harder to find someone else who will really love and cherish you and care about and respect your feelings.[/QUOTE]

Hiya, I wish I had half your calm :( I admire you for reasoning so convincingly. Obviously you were rewarded far better than a bf in life: a great mind that some bfs stop developing :( . I am so impulsive, maybe really immauture when it comes to hurt of this kind, it would just make all reasoning fly away. But yes, I see your point, drawing the line between what is acceptable and what is not.

Why didn't you just tell hi sfriend who bought him this dance that he's rude, and that it would have been more thoughtful of him if he had bought you both a bottle of Champaign instead :confused:
Never mind, at least he didn't buy it himself. If you really really love him, just say to him how you feel and he truely loves you he would never do it again.
Don't dwell on it everyday and definitely don't bring it up after the discussion you will have, but please be firm and serious and strong. And never invite his b----- friend to any of his bdays no more. Good luck.
[QUOTE=minnesotagirl]OK well here's a part that I failed to mention that might make this a bit worse....

His friend bought him the lap dance because on his friend's birthday (which was just three days ago), my boyfriend paid $20 for him to have a lap dance. So he was returning the favor. I told his friend I was mad about it and that I thought it was cheating. I said that right when he went to go buy it -- I saw what he was going to do and I tried to stop him. He was all "oh come on, there's nothing wrong with it." This particular friend and I don't necessarily get along. He's really immature. But they've been friends since high school.

So my thought is that possibly my BF bought his friend the lap dance because he KNEW that meant he'd get one on his birthday. I wasn't too worried at the time, because his friend is on strike at work right now so he doesn't have a lot of money. But obviously he thought he had to buy him one in return. And yes, his friend is single. Any ladies want his number? HAHA yeah right. I can laugh but this still hurts. I don't think my BF will see it my way.[/QUOTE]

Well, it really wasn't the friend's duty to not buy the lap dance, it was your boyfriend's duty to say "hey dude, I've got a girlfriend, this isn't cool, thanks but no thanks."

If your boyfriend doesn't see it your way, then like I said you have two choices. Let him walk all over you, and let him know he CAN walk all over you, and be prepared when he starts walking all over you in other areas, or stand your ground, let him know this hurt you to much to be negotiable, and be prepared to walk if he doesn't fall in line.


Nina, i don't know how calm I truly am, my one lousy ex just really put me through it. I was a really weak willy when I was with him, though. I thought if I just turned myself into a pretzel and tried to be the "cool" girlfriend and didn't stand up for myself too much, then he'd love me and marry me like he said he was planning to, and I'd live happily ever after. Instead, I tried ot follow all the religious rules he set down for me, and as soon as I was cool with one, he'd lay down another one, then frown at me and say "why are you like that?" when i got frustrated. He'd mock and insult my musicianship (we were both part time professional local musicians) then rag on me for being too insecure. He'd openly ogle other women and make comments like "oh my god, where did THAT come from?!!" right in front of me and all our friends when a pretty girl walked by, then get PO'd at me for getting jealous. So he dumped me, then married a woman who screams at him if he talks to another woman, who runs roughshod on him and doesn't let him get away with anything and makes him toe the line. Men don't respect pretzels. They respect a woman with a backbone who will push back and who won't take his crap, believe it or not. I learned the hard way, but bellieve me, I learned. I will never again be a pretzel for any man, and I will never again compromise my rules for life. No woman should. You know you've found the right one for you when you no longer have to pretzel and compromise n order to keep him. Life's too short to waste on someone who's not worthy of your devotion.
Now, for others like Jenna, it does sound like her husband is comfortable with equality for both, so it's okay. But, most men wouldn't like their girlfriend doing this, so why is it okay for the guys? I think it's because they know they can get away with it. If the women says anything, then let the guilt-trip begin Example: " Fine, I just won't go!" sniff, sniff, huff, huff.

No you are totally right about this one,. If my husband did things but then tried to tell me I coudln't, then that wouldn't wash. We honestly do respect each other though. Like if something really really bugged me, we would talk about it. We had a situation a while back where one of his woman friends was really really horrible to me when he wasn't around ( long story, I ran into her when I was out at the pub with some friends), and I just didn't feel she respected me or our marriage. we talked about it, I didn't forbid him or even tell him what to do, but I told him how she had treated me, and he decided she wasn't a very good friend and ended that friendship. So it's not like I'm always easy going and nothing bugs me, sometimes things do get to me. But for the most part, it's equal and I could care less about strip clubs or him going on guys trips or to nightclubs, because I do it too and more importantly I trust him. If he ever broke that trust and cheated, we would be over, and I know I would be ok. I know a few girls from work who aren't " allowed" girls nights, yet their boyfriends go on guys nights all the time. That would never ever wash with me! I guess we all know what we want though, I would never have married someone if I didn't think he would be a full on parent with me and treat me as an equal. I also couldn't have married someone who wanted to spend all our free time together, I know some like that, but I don't, I like my alone time, and my time with friends. I guess really the trick is to find someone who shares your views, and to not think you can change anyone, because really, for the most part, what you see is what you get...cheers :)
i still think that any woman who says she's ok with it only does so to sound like the "cool" girlfriend or wife. Deep down, I don't think any woman is ok with another woman gyrating on their man's lap! It is disgusting and to me, it's a form of prostitution. Sexual favors for money is prostitution. Plain and simple. And "he**" no, I would not put up with my man going. I'm not trying to tell him what to do, but I'm saying he won't do it and be with me! I have too much respect for myself than that! If he wants to look at a set of boobs, he's got 'em right here! :p





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:34 PM.





© 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!