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[QUOTE=HannahUK]
I often wonder if its a cultural thing. He's chinese, and his mum does whatever his dad asks of her. His dad went into hospital recently and he didn't like the hospital food so she'd cook him dinner and take it on the bus to him EVERY evening, an hour journey each way. She does whatever he asks. Sometimes I wonder if I have to do what he wants me to, because thats the relationship dynamic he's used.[/QUOTE]


I just had to jump in when I read that! I certainly would never want to be rascist or come off that way, but I am positive that the cultural thing is a big part of it. I dated a Korean guy for 3 years (I'm a caucasian American) and we eventually had BIG problems, most of which could be traced back to the cultural thing. He was extremely demanding of me and wanted me to basically serve him. He wanted to use me as a sex object and the things that turned him on were things that were very degrading to women (have you ever seen Japanese porn? it's A LOT kinkier and more disturbing than most western porn). Oh and another thing, very creepy school-girl fetish that bordered on pedophilia. He thought 13 year old girls were hot. He had very very high expectations for my physical appearance, told me I was fat even though I'm not, etc. And it came out slowly, over time. By the time I realized how bad he was I'd been in the relationship for over a year and it wasn't easy at all to break off. Again, I definitely don't want to come off as racsist, because I know there are lots of exceptions--but a big part of most east Asian cultures is that women are there to serve the men. His father basically walked all over his mother as well. I didn't acknowledge the cultural differences or what a big problem they were for a long time because I thought doing so would make me racsist--but they were very serious. Looking back, I can't believe how crazy I was to stay with him. For him, dating a "white girl" was part of a status symbol (along with the blonde thing... my hair naturally darkened to a light brown over the time we dated and he insisted that I dye it back to blonde). It was terrible, he was incredibly emotionally abusive. Eventually it got to a point where he told me that if we got married I would be his servant. He also tried to make me promise that I would get an abortion if he ever told me to! He also used A LOT of guilt and mental manipulation, which sounds similar to what your boyfriend does. He broke me down so badly, and it took me a very long time to recover. I'm not saying your boyfriend is as bad as him, but please just watch out--I see elements of that expectation that the woman should serve her man. I would've never expected this from him in a million years because he seemed so quiet and polite--plus he was born in the States so I really didn't think Korean culture would be that big of an influence. I guess the moral of my story is that culture can be a much bigger hurdle in relationships than we realize, so please be careful. By the way, when I finally did break it off, he stalked me... it's been almost 2 years and I just received a big bouquet of roses and a creepy letter. I finally had to go to the police. It still freaks me out and depresses me a lot. Please consider losing this guy, he should not treat you like he does and I'm afraid that it might get worse, you deserve better. Good luck!
I do wonder about the disinterest in sex, my mums disabled so shes at home ALL the time so we never get the house to ourselves, and he has 6 brothers and sisters so we cant go to his packed house. And im afraid sex isn't the same when your mother is next door! can't afford to rent, hes a student and im on a low wage cause im having to have a voluntary job to get onto my uni course, and i work part time in a shop.

I don't worry that I don't love my boyfriend, becuase I do. I do worry that I'm too independant. I'm used to looking after my mum and getting on with things, I find it hard when he's around all the time. Even sharing the bed, Im fine for a couple of nights but its so nice when he leaves so that I can stretch out! I'm quite independant. It isnt just him, i've never really been into sex or oral or whatever.... the only time ive had a high sex drive was with my last bf, and our relationship was SO bad it was as if we were trying to overcompensate with the one thing that actually worked between the two of us. And I was on the pill then but it made me ill so my current partner and i just use condoms and Im absolutely terrified of getting pregnant. That + the disabled mum next door = no fun!

dewdrop are u scared to really go for it in case your child hears? a girl I know has a kid and she dates this bloke and their sex is so loud they wake the poor kid up in the middle of the night!

It's also that question that even if I love him, do I love him ENOUGH? I wouldnt say im a romantic, I don't like flowers, i hate celebrating anniversaries etc, and I really wouldnt mind the thought of being a single mother.

Hmmm. come to think of it it doesnt help that all of my mums friends that visit have divorced their husbands. Plus I work at a school and most of the women I have lunch with, and go out with (parents and teachers) are unhappy with their partners and are considering a divorce. So I have lots of people around me telling me that men aren't important, than women are independant and dont need men anymore, that men are just another responsibility and loads of trouble etc etc. I don't know one happy marriage. And the happiest women I know are all single parents/divorcees and have no intention of getting a partner.

But my partner is so lovely - hes nice to my family, he fixes things around the house for my mum, he cleans up without having to ask him to, he flutters around me when I return from work and he makes me a cuppa tea. Hes ALWAYS telling me im beautiful and doesnt care if i lose or put on weight. He's perfect partner in many respects. People tell me I'm lucky. But his age and inexperience does worry me because I think he may be more likely to cheat on me in later years. But I guess whatever happens, happens right? Theres no point in worrying about it.

So many mixes messages! Maybe therapy is in order :)





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