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[QUOTE=citygirl23]I've posted threads on how I feel this way before, and I know it is somewhat normal after my break-up. Its just that sometimes I have these times during the day, like now, where my throat chokes up after thinking about my ex and what he did to me and how I feel I will never recover.

I try to not feel sorry for myself and instead feel sorry for him. It works most of the time. Yet, when I start noticing how bitter I am, how my view of relationships in general has been significantly changed, and how I act toward my 'friend with benefits', I just realize how messed up I am because of him and that makes me even more depressed, angry and upset.

Most of the time, I feel pretty happy, confident and content with myself. I just moved to a great apartment, my career is just starting to get underway and I got a great job that I wanted, and I even got a good job for the summer before my real career starts in Septemer. I am finally becoming financially independent from my parents (I am 23) and I live in the greatest city in the world, in my opinion :) Im even learning to cook, something I had wanted to do for a while now that I have a larger kitchen. These are all the things I remind myself of daily to build myself up. I really am happy overall with myself and my life.

However, the other times I feel extremely lost and on the defense regarding males, and my opinion of men and relationships in general is extremely pessimistic. I've realized I have no idea what I want right now, and that no matter which way I spin it, I will be unhappy until I find someone that really cares about me to make me forget about the pain my ex caused me. I think of how easy it was for him to lie to me, change his mind about me overnight with no real warning and then start up a relationship with a girl in his program, who he may still be with for all I know (Im sure he is). I never saw it coming and sometimes I think Im still in shock and denial. All my friends say "well, she might break HIS heart", but that doesnt make me happy because I dont want him to cry over her and want her, I want him to cry over ME and want ME. I want ME to be the #1 person in his life like he was in my eyes, and I know thats not possible. I thought i was for 2 years and in the end I was so wrong.

Ive also realized that Im not really happy in this 'friends with benefits' situation I am in, but I am also reluctant to get out of it because at least its some form of distraction. If I get out of it, then Im afraid my thoughts will go back 100% to my ex, or I will miss out on at least the small amount of fun it provides every so often. Plus, when Im with the guy, I have a good time, but Im never really with him since hes out of state. Its weird, and I cant figure out why I feel so dissatisfied toward him, because he doesnt really do anything wrong...I guess I just feel used a lot, even though Im using him right back! It doesnt make much sense and I dont understand it myself.

I feel as though every guy I date will end up leaving me in some way or another. I know that thats probably ridiculous to think, but I cant help but assume its true. If my ex could leave me so quickly, than anyone will, because I thought we had a near-perfect relationship at the time. I wouldn't have thought in a million years he would do to me even an OUNCE of what he did. Even my best friend was telling me about a very hot guy she met out the other night, and how she didnt think she could have a long-term relationship with him but she was still excited to go out with him...and I actually said "Well, its probably better this way because the hot ones always leave you for someone else anyway". I couldnt believe I said that...I sound so cynical. I AM so cynical.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, it is just me venting. I think I just need help figuring out what I want. I have no idea what I want or how to recover from this. I dont want to be this way and I feel so much hatred toward my ex because I feel like he ruined me. I was such a hopeless romantic when i was with him and I would have given him my right arm. I treated him so well, and now Im afraid I will never love again like I loved him, or even find someone that will love me, and if I DO find someone that loves me, can I trust it? Now Im stuck picking up the pieces and not being able to make sense of my thoughts.[/QUOTE]

Cg, I think you just need to give yourself some more time to heal. Any serious loving relationship hurts when it ends, and especially if you didn't want and/or expect it, it inevitably takes quite awhile to completely get over it. I don't know if you were here then, but I broke up with a guy I had been seeing and living with (we lived together from pretty much when we first met) for three years last spring, and it was really tough for most of last year. It's only in the last few months that I feel like I've totally moved on and have no lingering feelings about my ex, which was almost a year, and the timing is different for every individual and each relationship. Anyway, I don't take as hard a stance against casual hookups as some people, because I think it's important to feel desirable again and start moving on after a breakup. It just sounds to me like you're feeling this way because you're still grieving and not ready yet for another relationship in which you are emotionally vulnerable.

Please trust me, your life is going great, and you are moving on, even if it doesn't always feel like you're making much progress. It will take some more time before you stop feeling like you want him to miss you/love you etc., but it WILL definitely happen if you give yourself enough time and space to heal and get on with your life. When you start thinking of him, just distract yourself with cooking or talking with friends or posting here or reading or something, and as the weeks and months pass, I bet you'll find yourself dwelling on him less and less. It took me quite awhile before I stopped actively loving and missing my ex, but now I can see why he wasn't right for me and I actually feel extremely relieved that he's no longer in my life. I think that time will come for you too if you are patient and gentle with yourself. In the meantime, hang in there, because you are doing everything right...just put your mental energy into your future and making yourself happy rather than thinking about the past and letting this guy, who isn't remotely worthy of you, drag you down. And remember, this too shall pass. Good luck honey.

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