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Relationship Health Message Board


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wow, i'm surprised how many people are validating my feelings.

i wonder, though, if maybe you guys are getting the wrong impression--i really don't know if she's "hanging around" waiting for us to break up, or if she would try to seduce him to get us to break up. i mean, they were friends for a few years before we got together and nothing like this happened.

i mean, i kind of FEEL like she's sort of lurking around, and the fact that she's single now doesn't help. there are other reasons i have issues w/her, though. when we've had problems in the past, she would surface as an alternative social outlet. we had a while when neither of us really had friends outside of the relationship (just due to circumstance, i moved to new city, he was returning after 10 years away and no one he knew was left). we hung out together ALL the time, but we knew it was healthy to have friends outside the relationship and spend some time apart. so, for example, i would say, what are you doing tonight? he would say, oh, going out with so-and-so and her friends. (no invitation for me to come--but hey, we need to have separate social lives and this is pretty much the only other person i can hang out with). this was a problem for me even BEFORE they slept together when i had no reason to have a problem with it--thinking back on it i was never quite comfortable with her.

i'm just afraid that she is (unintentionally) going to drive a wedge between us. here's what i see happening: she invites him to go out to a bar or whatever with her and her friends. maybe i have other plans, maybe i don't. if i have other plans, he goes and hangs out w/her. that would make me uncomfortable. even if i DON'T have other plans, i'm not going to go where she is. and i would feel bad if he went. now HE'll feel like i'm keeping him from hanging out with her. which, i am, i guess. i mean, i never say, "you can't do this." i just say, "if you do this, I am going to feel X, Y, and Z." but i guess it's really the same thing.

it's weird feeling like i'm limiting his contact with another person. i also feel really weird now that he didn't tell me she broke up with her bf. what does THAT mean? maybe he didn't want me to make the obvious assumption--she's calling him up now that she's single. or maybe he doesn't want me to worry--maybe he really knows in his heart nothing would happen again w/her, and if they go to lunch he doesn't want me to stress over it? or maybe he simply doesn't want me to know b/c he thinks i'll make a fuss?

i just hate being suspicious. i guess i don't trust him 100%. and now that he didn't tell me that she broke up w/her boyfriend, i feel like i can't trust that i'm getting 100% of the story. i know he's been meeting her for lunch since we got back together, but he doesn't tell me when he does (and i don't ask). his parents came over for dinner one night and asked how she was doing and he said that he hadn't talked to her in a long time, but i was talking to him while he was checking his e-mail and i saw an e-mail from her in his inbox.

i guess i'm somewhat mad at him, too. i feel like he knows my feelings towards her, but he continues to stay in contact with her, even if it is very intermittent. i can't help but feel that, on some level, it's disrespectful. i mean, i know it's important to hang onto friends, and it's totally possible to sleep with your friend and regret it, but HE KNOWS how i feel. HE thinks his behavior is fine, and he may even KNOW he would never do anything. Regardless, he's doing something he knows makes me feel bad. i mean, i know he knows that i want her to fall off the face of the earth. and maybe he was shading the truth to protect my feelings, but i really feel like i just can't count on him to be 100% truthful with me, which is what i need to feel trust. even 99% + "for your own good" isn't enough.

and here's the worst thing--i'm going out of town next weekend!!!

quite simply, what are appropriate demands? how is my bf entitled to feel?

1. is dinner (just the 2 of them) appropriate? what if it's just wings at a bar watching the game?

2. should he hang out w/her at a bar w/her other friends if i'm not around? is he entitled to be upset if i tell him i won't go and i would be uncomfortable if HE goes?

3. what if SHE has a party and invites him, but i won't go?

4. now that she's single, is it STILL appropriate for her to have lunch w/my BF?

5. should i adopt a "keep your enemies close but your friends closer" posture? this way, he'll have to invite me along everytime he hangs out w/her?

i guess the question basically is, is he entitled to be upset that I DO NOT WANT THIS PERSON IN MY LIFE. (and in HIS life, after about 6pm.)





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