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Hi West!

Ok, so I go in and I'm super on the verge of a panic attack nervous. So I tell her that I need to go slowly because there's so much in me and I never open up. She says I'm doing I start off by telling her about my job and how I hate it so much that I feel like a piece of me is dying everyday. I tell her that I want to volunteer and that I went back to school and that I will get out of this job one day. She saysshe knows I will and says that I have the personality, she can tell already, to be in some sort of hotel/management field.

Anyway, then she asks how long I've been married. 20 years I tell her. She's surprised. Looks at me and says, you must have married really young. She says how is your marriage. I hesitate and's ummm peaceful. She says as she's writing...that's good. I say yes it is...but...I feel so spark of passion for my husband. Hmmm and uh huh she says...still writing. She says that I am right on target for my marriage being 20 years old and that there are things to do to bring back the passioin. Ok.....I say....I've NEVER felt passion!! Ok. she says. There are different types and degrees of passion. I tell her all the good qualities of my husband. She nods and says...that's great! I say he's selfish in bed, but in his defense I don't ask him for anything. Maybe you should, she says. Ok,,,,,I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT HIM! I say quietly...maybe I should. By this time, I'm feeling completely crazy to even be there because I know I'm not 100% opening up to her and I don't waste my or her time.

I tell her that I don't want to ruin his life. She says good. I said he's my best friend. She says....that's great. I don't want to pull the rug out from underneath my son...she says even better. She asks if I've ever felt passion. I say yes. She says how did that make you feel. I say euphoric. She said you know some experts say that the first couple months of that is the closest you will come to being psychotic. Great, I say mildly. She says, you know that feeling can't last and doesn't last and what you're left with is what you have with your husband. Nice, comfortable, secure, love. Someone who loves you for you and is your best friend. I know, I say.

I said maybe I feel this way because there's something wrong with me and maybe if I fix that I will feel the way I should about my husband. She says, that's very smart. As I said it, I though...once again I put it on me. I told her that I told my husband if the marriage ends it has nothing to do with him. She says when you think of your life without your husband, how do you feel. I said, sad. I said I picture seeing him someplace with a new wife and I'm usually alone (because that's what happens to people who mess up their marriages!) and I get sad because we have so much hx together and he is truly my best friend. I said that sometimes I get divorce decrees to view at work and I see the signatures of two people who once loved each other and I get sad thinking that I would actually have to sign something like that one day if we broke up. It does make me sad. I just don't know what to do with all those feelings. I can't get any perspective.

She didn't give me any advice, other than to read Women Who Love Too Much. This was after she asked me if I've ever been treated badly by boyfriends. I said I had a couple that were creeps. I then said maybe if my husband was a little edgy and seedy, I may feel passionate about him?? she laughs and says quite possibly! I said you think I don't feel this way because he's good to me and loves me? She says, quite possibly.

She says, why did you marry him? I said because I came from a 22 year old marriage that should have never happened with my parents. Their's was a horrible, tumultuous relationship. I said I wanted to get out of the house and I knew he loved me and would take care of me. She said, you must have felt very worthy and healthy to marry a man like this. You could have followed a bad path and went with someone who treated you like crap. But you chose him because you knew he would treat you well and loved you. I agreed.

She then know you could find someone who stirs your passion and treats you like crap. Where would you be then? I agreed. I said, that's why I haven't left this marriage. I realize that. this all there is??? She laughed and more or less said...yep.

So I am to see her 2 weeks from now. And West, I'm not really sure if I should go. I don't know what I expected her to tell me and I'm still feeling the same feelings. I know she wasn't going to fix me and especially not in one session! I was feeling good and confident when I left her because part of me felt like I said the "right" things. But, I know I didn't open up the way I needed to because I was so afraid to cry and lose it right there. Maybe I should keep going and maybe I will eventually open up. Or maybe I'm just trying to sabotage anyting good in my life. It wouldn't be the first time.

Gimme your view when you get a chance and tell me how you're doing. Thanks for listening...ummm...reading!

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